Help!

I can't get away from my destructive thoughts! Feel like such a loser for not following thru on them. I don't kno what's wrong w/ me. I have meds in place...not working & 2 T's I see. I wanto reach out desperately for help but am afraid they will take my kids away. My H is in another world & ignores me. He's wrapped up in his work & his own life.
I'd feel so much better if I wasn't here. Wasn't taking up space. Wasn't breathing. I want out badly. I just wanto sleep & sleep. I'm so very tired.
I want someone to take me away. Curl up in their comfort as they tell me I'll be ok later. That my old life will come back to me. I can't live like this

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I would suggest that you confide in your two T's and not in your husband. I am lucky to have both a T and a mother who understands. Would a cyber-hug help? (((HUG)))

(((((((( Patagonia )))))))))

Thanks for the hugs...as I lie here on my couch & cry while I plopped my child in front of a screen bec I can't take care of him properly.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

When you are in a depressed state you have to do whatever you have to, to make it through the day.

When I was a child TV was a pretty new invention. I stayed glued to it most days and than having depression, too. I can't tell it gave me any harm, so don't feel so guilty.

Hi Patagonia, just wanted to say I'm sorry you're hurting today. I know the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and have the world just fade away.

I just can't see myself continuing like this. I'm doing more damage than good to my own family

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It normally pretty hard to take kids away from a married couple. There needs to be proof of abuse like broke bones and wearing the same clothes for weeks. Do talk to your Ts and ask for help.

If my H would ever figure out how suicidal I am He'd take the kids away from me just on his own. I'm usually not very present & dissociate easily. My T's worry about me staying home w/ my kids alone. I do the absolute bare minimum to take care of them. Some mom I am

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Maybe, that's a huge factor, in all this??? Wouldn't it be wonderful, to have a husband, who actually 'gets it?'. And support you, in your time of need?
Is there more than just internal pressure, in the scope of parenting? So, you rest while your kid watches TV. If you had a neurological illness like Lupus, Fibro, MS, etc....would it make you feel less of a mom??

Be gentle.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I don't know anything about your situation other than what I've read here, Patagonia. But it sounds to me as though you're at a point where you need to think about reaching out to someone, even if it is to call a hotline of some sort such as the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (you don't have to be suicidal to call. They're there to help with any problem.) There's also the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

I have some idea of what you're saying about your husband. My wife is kind-of similar. She loves me dearly, but she has no idea what goes through my mind on a daily basis. If she did, she would be horrified. Fortunately, we don't have any children. So, as long as I can keep treading water successfully, it doesn't matter.

I wrote an email to my T saying that I think it was time for us to think about the local shrink ward I've been too several times. I admitted I'm not safe.

But also said in the email that I didn't think there was much they could do for me besides keep sharps away so I couldn't cut. Last time I was there one dr called me a liar about dissociating. They know nothing of PTSD. I imagine they know less of DID. That makes me very nervous. Can't tell you how many times they touched me! Working w/someone w/PTSD you never touch them! It just put me in freeze mode & hyper vigilant.

I also said it'd cause major issues at home if I was hospitalized. No childcare, angry H & a major mess in the schedule. All my fault.
So I can sit at home & be toxic to my family & be a ticking time bombs when I'm going to implode. So here I sit & wait.

She emailed me back & said "we'd follow basic protocol." I have no idea what that means.

I talked to a hotline person online & she said I lacked self confidence & hope. This was after she told me to find something I liked doing & keep doing it. Told her I have nothing. There's nothing I enjoy except sleeping.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk