[ToeJam]

Well, end of last week, over the weekend and part of today, I have been a mess. Massive spiral down and for that I can only apologise.

My wife had text my T today and basically filled her in on a lot of stuff that I didn’t even mention here… she (my wife) was worried and I was not being very co-operative… I didn’t want to talk about what had happened with my T at all… was basically in apathy and self hate mode.

Saw her tonight and she pretty much rushed me into her office… (said later that I had looked grey and vacant)… she didn’t judge me, she just asked me to talk and I found it hard at the beginning…. And then just burst into tears.

She wanted me to tell what I think the triggers had been and I went over what had been a horrible week… anniversary of my dad’s death, money issues and then a frank and honest chat with my GP that I think pretty much just set things in motion. Not blaming him for it, I think he’s a great doctor… but I came to the conclusion that I was beyond help… and thus the spiral really kicked in to the mess that is my other recent thread.

She went over some grounding exercise with me for a good 10 minutes and… I can’t explain it…. Things just seemed to lift.

I’ve made a pact with her that I will do my best to hold on and to give her the summer… I said I’d try and she replied that that was good enough. Got a three week break due to bank holidays… but, she has told me that she expects an email at least once a week (I’ve never emailed her before).

In addition to that…. And this got me crying again She has said that she wants to see me once a week… and, she has halfed the cost for each session… was so overwhealmed, even now I’m getting bit choked… It’s been such a struggle to afford private, and for her to do something like that, well… yeah, was just so nice of her.

There was so much piled into that one hour…. That I’m finding it hard to recall at the moment, still a bit emotionally raw…. But, was a god send…. And to think I almost didn’t show up.

Wanted to let you guys know…. And thank you to those posted support, suggestions… also those who pm’d me, chatted to me in the chat bar… yeah, means so much and I can’t thank you enough

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, NEVER apologize for anything you post on here about your feelings!!
They matter, you matter!!
And you know there's nothing at all to be ashamed about at all in what you're feeling, in fact you may well have helped other people open up a bit more about how they're feeling just by putting it out there. And I KNOW you're a really empathetic, caring, non-judgmental person from your replies to others!! So a little more of that to yourself, hey??!!
Anyway, you know I think it's absolutely great news about today!! It really is!!!
But if/whenever you need any support along the way......in fact anytime as things do have their up's and down's, and just starting the journey right (?) - with a very good start though .........we're/I'm here for you.
Alison

P.S. Go give your wife a hug, if you haven't already!!

I'm glad your T helped today and it's great that she would halve the costs so you can see her weekly hope things start to improve for you soon

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi TJ, NEVER apologize for anything you post on here about your feelings!!
They matter, you matter!!
And you know there's nothing at all to be ashamed about at all in what you're feeling, in fact you may well have helped other people open up a bit more about how they're feeling just by putting it out there. And I KNOW you're a really empathetic, caring, non-judgmental person from your replies to others!! So a little more of that to yourself, hey??!!
Anyway, you know I think it's absolutely great news about today!! It really is!!!
But if/whenever you need any support along the way......in fact anytime as things do have their up's and down's, and just starting the journey right (?) - with a very good start though .........we're/I'm here for you.
Alison

P.S. Go give your wife a hug, if you haven't already!!

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I'm glad your T helped today and it's great that she would halve the costs so you can see her weekly hope things start to improve for you soon

Thank you to the pair of you, those chats were really kind... and though I wasn't thinking straight a lot of the time... it was a god send that you were about at separate times when I was just desperate to talk to someone.

My T re-iterated about trauma work... used the onion analogy tonight and basically indicated that though apparently I have a strong core... the layer just outside of that is a mess. The fundamental stuff that we as kids should develop... the emotional learning... isn't properly developed... and then further outer layers of trauma and trauma and trauma sob story central but I know we're going to be biting the bullet and work on it.

It scares the **** out of me... but I've promised to do my best to hold on till the 9th of June so we can start the work.

Came home tonight and told the wife and again.... I burst into tears. I very very rarely cry.... so this many times in one night... bloody hell lol. Told her about the grounding activity the T had done... such a simple thing really... tapping each hand gently while I repeat to my self 'I'm ok, I can cope'.

Oh... and my T gave me a hug at the end of session

[Idiot17]

Did i not mention in the past that your t seems like a rare true t.
Hope this all continues to lead you in the right direction.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

Did i not mention in the past that your t seems like a rare true t.
Hope this all continues to lead you in the right direction.

Thanks chap (I don’t like using your name, to me you are far from being an idiot and as such I don’t want to re-enforce by repeating it )

I think you are right and I am very fortunate for the support I am getting from a number of sources (T, gp and my wife)… I can be blind to it when I’m struggling to even see beyond my nose… but yes, without them and without meaning to sound melodramatic… things could be a lot worse.

But in that context, I don’t want to have it seen that ‘well, it’s nice he’s got support… but in my life I’m screwed’ and I’m probably going to struggle a little with the next bit… I want to give an honest account without it seeming patronising or anything that is unhelpful ****.

I’ve had to deal with a lot of dross, crap and counter productive support to get here… it’s been a long hard road. For about 14 years I made the conscious decision that I could do this alone… and that was down to a very bad experience with a university provided T who basically got frustrated with me and essentially told me to just snap out of it (part of an agreement to be allowed to continue studying was that I saw her after two failed suicide attempts). In that context, a doctor at the hospital also made me very bitter and untrusting towards those in the medical profession… I had been taken to hospital very much against my will and while waiting to be assessed a doctor sat in with me and decided to give me a lecture on how selfish I was to waste A&E time… that I was a university student with intelligence, should know better and should be thankful for my opportunities… I very rarely feel hate… but if I had had any will at that stage, I would have punched him… not because of his disgust of me exactly (though yes, just looked at him with anger, he didn't know me yet felt justified to judge me as if backed with fact)… but because of the harm he could essentially be doing to anyone else before and after me that needed care.

There was one person who stuck by my side during this time (from Uni to now)… my wife (my girlfriend before her had found me triggering and that breakup was a hard one for me to come to terms with), but it was very rocky and I was constantly scared that she would eventually leave me… living with me has not been easy. I know I don't give her the credit she deserves sometimes... the inner strength she has stuns me and she is very self assured in who she is and what she does.

Took a bad turn about 2 years back… and I decided to reach out for help… went and saw my gp… and that got the ball rolling. Went through 3 nhs T’s that didn’t help in any significant way and that was when I decided to try private sessions… did my research and sent out a number of email enquiries to try and ascertain who would be right for me… and I found the T I am seeing now.

I guess what I want to try to impart with the above is that getting the support we need is trial and error… can be hard in itself and we have to at times use our own grit to sift through the crap till we get somewhere… but it’s not unattainable. I wish there was a kind of universal consistent help that we all can receive… but that is probably unrealistic and we are dealing with human beings giving care, with their own strengths and limitations.

I just want to show, that by holding onto some measure of hope (bloody hard sometimes) can pay you back in dividends.

This is of course my own experience, my own journey and I don’t know what the future holds. Last week was one of the worst I’ve had and at one stage I was super close to just saying ‘**** it, I’ve had enough, this is it!’… not going to kid myself that it won’t happen again… but I have hope and I am going to do my best to take one day at a time.

I am thankful for today... for the first time in a while, I feel awake, lucid and motivated. Saying that, I had a very restless night with auditory hallucinations (this has happened before after she's done these weird grounding exercises with me)... but yeah, today is a good day and I am thankful.

[Idiot17]

TJ, thanks for sharing that part of your journey....it brings some measure of hope for myself and others. Seeing after 14 years of suffering you finally got the right t and right support system. I just hope that others suffering this way can get it as well with the strength and willing to wait for it to come.

I just hope i and others have the strength since as you said its bloody he ll at times.

[Fuzzybear]

Wow, your T sounds so good - I'm for you

[Momentofclarity]

(haven't read the replies...)

It's great to see some "ups-threads"...

[dandylin]

Wonderful. I am happy for you. Baby steps

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by dandylin

Wonderful. I am happy for you. Baby steps

Yep, thanks... will do my best to do so

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, I'd say that it'd be only natural to be a bit scared of the up-coming trauma work your T has planned. Afterall it can be really intensive, really hard, and take you to places you probably don't want to go. But I think you're getting that throughout that it's also going to be helping you with so many of the thoughts/feelings/emotions which have probably been having a real impact/are having a real impact on your life? So looking forward to a "new beginning" as you're going through/come through this, right?! And getting the real support you need at last!!
And going through/coming through what you've already been through, for so long, if that isn't real strength you've shown I don't know what is!!! You have got so much about you to come through/go through this!! OK you might not see it for yourself all the time, but it's absolutely there!! And any support you need, any support we/I can give you.......well you know where to come
And really glad today is a good day for you!!! You SO deserve it!!
But of course if that changes..........you know where to come!!
Alison

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi TJ, I'd say that it'd be only natural to be a bit scared of the up-coming trauma work your T has planned. Afterall it can be really intensive, really hard, and take you to places you probably don't want to go. But I think you're getting that throughout that it's also going to be helping you with so many of the thoughts/feelings/emotions which have probably been having a real impact/are having a real impact on your life? So looking forward to a "new beginning" as you're going through/come through this, right?! And getting the real support you need at last!!
And going through/coming through what you've already been through, for so long, if that isn't real strength you've shown I don't know what is!!! You have got so much about you to come through/go through this!! OK you might not see it for yourself all the time, but it's absolutely there!! And any support you need, any support we/I can give you.......well you know where to come
And really glad today is a good day for you!!! You SO deserve it!!
But of course if that changes..........you know where to come!!
Alison

Thank you Alison. Oddly enough, my T has been banging on about all this potential I have, how intelligent I apparently am and she is so confident that I will make use of both once we're on the road to recovery. I'll admit, this was one of the parts where I broke down in tears... currently I just don't see it... I'm 37 years old... doors of opportunity have closed and the chances of some career that helps others (was always my dream) seems so unattainable at the moment due to debt accumulated from attempts at previous career moves (student loans). I was training to be a teacher at one point but I spectacularly ****ed that up at the last hurdle... and got the £6000 bill to pay for it

Here I am being Mr Doom and Gloom... and yes, I am starting to hope (today at least).. it just worries me. I've messed up so badly due to my MH, right now I can barely hold down a simple low paid office position.

The one thing I see as a potential is writing... probably fictional to begin with... but that's going to be so hit and miss.

Didn't really mean to put a negative slant on this thread... just very tired right now