Feeling Vulnerable

Feeling vulnerable for lots of reasons, but this week is going to be hard.

I've got an Occupational Health assessment, their job is to get me back to work asap. I've been off two months and if anything I'm worse than when I started sick leave. I've no idea when I'll be better and I've now got some physical health problems that are going to muddy the waters.

I've got a GP appointment, last time he reduced my Cymbalta to 30mg. He did that because he didn't know what else to do, seems I react badly to anti-depressants. I honestly believe that there are no meds out there that are going to work and I'm stuck here for good.

I've got to see my boss because I have reached the next level of the attendance policy, basically I'll be made to feel rubbish because I'm ill and need time off. He will try and pressure me into giving a date when I can return to work.

I feel persecuted, like I'm being hunted down, I have got an idea into my head that even here at PC there are people who think I'm faking. I'm also really hung up because a few people I used to PM have not been round here for a while and I think maybe that is because of me. I'm normally pretty laid back and would be the last person to buy into a conspiracy theory but I'm sure that somehow I'm deliberately being cut off from the support I get here.

Maybe I'm missing something really obvious, perhaps I'm just over reacting because of anxiety, maybe my depression is getting worse because I'm anaemic, taking steroids and the reduced dose of Cymbalta. This week is going to end badly, I can tell.

Thoughts anyone?

I'm sorry people are not supporting you as they should. Hugs to you. That is a tough place to be in.

Do any of your colleagues support you? What about talking to your boss and getting things out?

P.S. If you need someone on here to talk to, you can talk to me.

Thank you.

My boss is a corporate slave, he will follow every policy to the letter. By nature I hate policies, I think they are for people who don't have the imagination to think for themselves, so in that respect we are polar opposites, my boss isn't unsympathetic, just tactless.

This does sound like a rough week ahead for you. Sorry. I hope you are able to find some understanding from your boss and coworkers. Although I'm not in the same situation as you, I know how hard it can be to have to explain yourself when you're having a bad bout of depression. It's awful. I'm sending positive and supportive thoughts your way. I'll keep an eye on this thread, so please update us and let us know how it goes. Hugs to you.

((((Hugs)))))

Had an errand to run today and tripped and fell in the middle of the road very embarrassing. Have hurt my foot and can't bend my toes.

Like I said this week is going to end badly.

I suppose there's not much further I can fall when I'm already lying in the gutter.

Thank you for your kind replies.

Had an errand to run today and tripped and fell in the middle of the road very embarrassing. Have hurt my foot and can't bend my toes.

Like I said this week is going to end badly.

I suppose there's not much further I can fall when I'm already lying in the gutter.

Thank you for your kind replies.

(((((((( TheOriginalMe ))))))))

My foot is swollen and really painful, I should go to A&E but my last two experiences were negative. This is the third time I've fallen and sustained an injury in the past 18 months, either I'm just unlucky or I'm clumsy or there is something else going on. Given some of the other stuff that has happened to me I'm suspecting the third of these is the most likely. No point telling the doctor though, I've got the message loud and clear, I just need to put up and shut up. I'm obviously making a fuss about nothing. The trouble is I am at breaking point and I don't know what I'm capable of anymore. I just want this all to end.

My foot is still sore, but resting has brought down some of the swelling. At least posting about my foot gives me something to think about other than the mental misery.

I had the Occupational Health Assessment today. The OT nurse was OK, didn't ask too many questions and showed me her report. The report basically said:

I'm not well enough to be at work,
the nurse can't say when I will get better,
it isn't her job to decide if I will ever be well enough to return
(only a doctor can decide that, not her, not my bosses, not the unions - a doctor and I would be entitled to provide my own expert opinion if I wanted) and
it isn't fair on me that my bosses keep asking me to give them a date to return nor is it fair that I should be put under pressure for not meeting the corporate sickness target.

Hurray, someone is listening at last. Now I'm exhausted and have two more appointments to get through tomorrow, but I may decide not to keep the meeting with my boss knowing that I have got some back up from Occupational Health.

Oh yes the nurse is sending my boss a load of information about mental illness and how to support staff rather than discriminate.

I wish I could say I feel so much better, I don't - I feel less persecuted and I'll settle for that.

I am really glad you are being listened to. I know you say you don't feel much better, but it does sound like a good thing happened there.

Thank you, I'm finding it hard to trust and hard to hope, so I at the moment I'm just accepting and trying to see that not everything is bad. My head tells me that is better than where I was yesterday, my heart says don't let anything in that could hurt you.

I know that being heard is better than feeling unheard, and I hear you saying that is a good thing, I'll accept that and see where it takes me. Having other people around to remind me that good things can happen is helpful for me, thank you again.

Glad to see you are sounding very much better. Hugs.

Today I went back to the GP and he suggested a new anti-depressant for me Valdoxan (agomelatine). Apparently it is completely different and unrelated to SSRIs, SNRIs etc so it may not cause the problems I've experienced on those meds. So today I'm quitting Cymbalta and after a couple of days I can start the new one.

I also saw my boss and he has taken on board the Occupational Health report and has agreed to suspend the attendance management proceedings that had been started, so I won't have to go to silly meetings asking when I am going to be better.

At the start of the week I felt so alone and unheard, now I feel that maybe the bad environment around me has changed enough to give me breathing space. I'm still not ready to hope, but I will co-operate and give the new meds a chance.

There is one fly in the ointment. I'm bleeding again and the drug I need to take to stop that affects my mood very badly. I'm hoping to delay taking it for a couple more days (until I've swapped anti-depressants) but I don't think that's a realistic option. So in the short term I might get worse again. If that happens I'm hoping that someone reading this will be objective and remind me that it will be a short-term reaction. Thank you for all your words of encouragement and support.

Glad to see a little light in the dark. You sounds very much better. Great.
Lot of best wishes.

((((OriginalMe))))

Your mention of lack of communication here... you're always welcome to chat with me too. I hope that things do improve mate and just to say a number here think of and respect you

Thank you. I am certainly in a better place, but there is still a long way to go and I've had so many set backs, I admit I am frightened by the thought that I may go back to the worst place at any time. However, I can see that the meds to control my bleeding are what took me over the edge of reason so that I created a place so much worse than my usual depression. I need to take those meds again, but that place was horrible. I'll try to hold on for a few more days and maybe see the doctor again after the weekend, there might be something else he can give me.

I think the lack of communication was in my head rather than in reality.

I seem to be triggered by loss at the moment and people "going missing" from PC triggered me somewhat. One or two friends here have moved on because they're much better and although I'm glad for them I feel left behind and forgotten. I want it to be my turn to get better, a completely childish and selfish response to their good fortune, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy, so I should be pleased my friends are doing well.

Then there are the meds to control my bleeding, a heady little steroid/hormone with the potential to aggravate depression and tip me into an paranoid abyss. I can see that much of the blackness and sense of persecution that I felt had almost the same duration as that course of meds.

This was a week that I was extremely anxious about, in reality all the things that I thought would end badly actually turned out better than expected. Then just to even things up a bit, I fell and hurt my foot (doing better now with rest and elevation) and the bleeding problem started up again.

However, I've made new friends, sadly it seems there are always depressed people so I won't be alone even if I have to wait a bit longer for my turn to get better. I've found that keeping up this thread gives me something to look back on, so at least I can see I'm not totally stuck, things change and good stuff does happen, so I think I'll keep it up for a bit longer.

Nothing much happened today to change my mood one way or the other, and to be honest that was a relief. I'd like to "wake up happy" but right now I don't have the energy to deal with happy if it came knocking on my door.

Nobody have energy enough to deal with happiness. At least I can't for the moment. It is like a part of me is always comfortable in the dark side. Maybe because everytime I feel happy I really now that the worst is waiting for me at my next step. I understand how you feel.

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So sorry that you have to feel like this too.

Thank you, for a millisecond the corners of my mouth turned up a little when I saw this. Perhaps it was a smile.

Yesterday was such a bad day, the images if what I thought about doing to myself are still raw in my mind, today I was more emotionally numb. The one enduring thought remains, this is for eternity and there is no escape.

(((((originalme)))))......