[ouch]

I am scared of myself - it's like I don't trust myself. I am feeling very upbeat today for some strange reason - maybe it's the St. John's Wort that I have started taking - maybe I'm bipolar, rather than depressed as my diagnosis has indicated - maybe the depression has lifted for some strange reason - I Don't know.

But, I'm scared it will come back - so scared that I had to really convince myself to make plans on Sun., because it's faraway and if I get depressed I won't be up to it and will cancel. I don't trust I can stay this way - in the past week I have had EXTREME lows and then moments in which everything was fine or even better than fine- I just don't understand what's going on... Could it actually be that the depression is gone? or am I bipolar and it is just hiding around the corner? Do any of you experience this? do any of you feel that you can't trust not losing it?

yes, i experience it. i have a portrait commission for sunday and i'm already worried about whether or not i can do and take the photos due to depression.

[houdini]

i fear i have already lost it, i even wrote plans to end some ones life believing it would end my pain, but although it would end my pain it would cause more to others and that would ultimately lead to me hurting more so have i felt the way you do now? i dont know but i hope it isnt as bad as i feel now.

[Eva1nder]

Very...The reality for me is that I "made" it through my major breakdown several years ago and I have lost myself.

It's like I have this script...a role in life with family and friends that I live due to their interaction with me. Without "their" plans or "their" conversations. I don't have anything.

If I spend too much time with anyone of them and the "distraction" wears off I start to get agitated with the fact that now there is nothing after that "role"

I have a superficial script and without that I have nothing to myself.

I'm like a ticking bomb many times and not sure what will happen to me half the time.

Yah it feels scary. Kind of like having weights on your legs pulling you down...drowning and you keep trying to get to the surface, but can't stay up there for 2 long.

Well that was pretty heavy.

When I write about how I feel I really am not sure what will come out *shrugs*.

Hope you guys are doing ok with your fears.

[snowflake_48888]

Years ago I was very afraid of myself. I was afraid that there was something else trying to take over my body but was never really sure what it was. I was afraid to use knives or scissors for fear that "thing" would take over and stab myself. After many months of medical help I was able to overcome that fear and found that it existed by my creating fear from fear. I know now that there is nothing there but I still from time to time battle with anxiety/depression.

I also found that it helps to know that I am not the only one that had these feelings. Knowing there are others out there somehow made my pain less. You are not alone.......

[Soidhonia]

Hello I am glad to hear from you again. St johns wort is a mood enhancer and I a not very surprised that you feel better at this time. What I am concerned about is your fear of the depression, or Bipolar returning. I am going to be very truthful about this to you since we are both adults. You are self medicating and St Johns Wort is good for depression, but it can only do so much for BIPOLAR. I hope that you will see a therapist and Dr so you will not have to fear the depression and Bipolar, and get the Other medication you may need to feel stable. Right now you are really being a little deceived by your regularity, from the St Johns Wort I hope you dont neglect the real diagnosis of your Disorder for deception, and not get the treatment you need that is necessary for you to be stable for a longer period of time. I also take St Johns Wort and numerous other medications as well and I generally do very well in life. The point I am making is maybe you can still take the St johns Wort and medication as well (I do this). You will have to find a Dr willing to let you do this though and can stabilize you with the meds and the St Johns Wort. St Johns wort is not a cure all without other meds as stabilizers. I am very glad tat you are feeling better but with Bipolar it is more complicated than what St Johns Wort can accomodate and you need other medications to go along with the St Johns wort as well. I hope the best for you in the future, Take care Soidhonia