It's not going well

So... I've come to realise... that my life is kinda messed up. Pls stay awhile and listen to my cries...

I currently live with my parents. My brother and I actually have an apartment together but he got it for us because he needs to try to live with his girlfriend to see if they can move in together permanent. They are gonna try that for the rest of this summer... so I'll live with my parents which I don't like. I need time alone and silence. I'm very sensitive to sound especially if I am working on a song or anything sound related. My parents like to disturb me, and ask me how I feel and I don't wanna talk about my depression or anything else with them which they seem to never give up. I've tried to tell them I want to keep things for myself but I think I'll stick with the strategy to not really answer their questions/lie.

It's the end of this semester and I've got plenty of assignments and exams now. Half of them I've already postponed from earlier this semester. But I just..can't..start to study for them. I don't have this exotic thing called "self discipline"... But maybe I would if I could sleep.

I just can't fall asleep. And I don't care.... kinda... I don't have to will to care. I could go thorugh a million of "how to sleep" guides on the internet and try meds and ask my doctor and what not if only I did care about myself. I get tired when I should so I can't stay up studying or doing whatever I want to do, but I can't fall asleep either so I just end up with all the bad thoughts on my head.

I do got these meds... they calm my mind and make me fall asleep but they also make me tired the next day...so whatever I do I'll be in a terrible condition for studying the next day!! #£$@£$!

I know I need therapy and contact with my doctor again... but the thing is .. I don't want a therapist here because he/she is gonna be on vacation during the summer and when I then move back to my apartment I'll have to switch, and I won't get a doctor in time now for these exams plus I dunno where I live on paper... and it could be that I can no longer get a doctor here cause I actually live at the apartment...or it's the opposite...

And...I...can't...be...left...alone....in....this....
I....just....want....to...clear...my....mind...
please...let...me....sleep.....
please.....no....more.....nightmares......

thx for reading....I guess...

(((Momentofclarity)))

I'm sorry that things are in a mess right now. I see myself and my situation in your post. A friend pointed out behaviors that were preventing me from getting help. He was worried so he spoke plainly to me knowing that I wouldn't like what I heard and would be very annoyed with him. And I was. At the same time I knew he was right and it was enough to get me moving in the right direction. I am sharing what he told me with you and I am hoping you accept this post in the spirit in which it is intended. You are very depressed and in no condition to study or take exams. Please consider withdrawing from the classes and taking a semester off to focus on your health. The college website will list the person or department that helps students in crisis. Because you are in crisis. Your post lists the obstacles in your way of getting therapy. The reasons seem valid to you because you're depressed. I know because my obstacles seemed very valid to me. Please don't let confusion over an address stop you from getting help. Ask your parents to research it for you. It sounds like they're very worried about you. The other obstacles you list are projections of what might happen. I know because I do it too. Not all therapists take summer vacations and they arrange for coverage if they do take a week or two off. You may not have to change therapists. Some therapists will conduct sessions over the phone (maybe Skype). You may not want to move back to the apartment. Or your brother and his girlfriend may want to make the temporary change permanent. It was very difficult for me to walk away from a job I loved because I waited too long to get help. I lost the job but college will be when you're well enough to return. Sorry the post is so long. Now it's time for me to work on a few obstacles of my own. Take care. I wish you the very best.

I can't really consider this a crisis.. Not that I don't take it seriously.. is just.. if it is a crisis... then my whole life is one. I should have been diagnosed with major depression ~8 years ago.

You are pretty much right about this one. Except for that I don't think my parents are that worried. They are used to that I am low and I don't think they grasp how low I am right now.

No... I have the right to the apartment when the fall semester starts. The thing is... she is from china ...so she is just here temporary. They are gonna try now if the can live together permanent. They aren't gonna change the plans. Additionally... there's room for me there too (my room is actually not used at all now... they just use my keyboard -.-) and they consider to let me move back earlier than by fall... the point is that they have to try wether they will get mad at each other or not when they live together and apparently that doesn't work if I am there. Odd situation I know.

I don't want to talk to a therapist on skype though. And I have a "care center" right next to the apartment so it seems messy to get one here and talk 3 times probably at best and then move to the apartment where will live for a year at least.

Anyway...getting in touch with a doctor might be a better idea now... and fix a therapist later.

Thx for the answer...

I am 50 and have been living with my parents for a year and a half due to severe depression. I have been away from them since I was 19 so although they knew they never really had a clue what it was like to be around me. They didn't know how to help. They would bug me all the time to get up by 11am, eat some breakfast, got for a walk etc etc. I wouldn't get up and do any of those things and I felt all the worse for not being able to do them and they were putting pressure on me. I wanted to be left alone and I was fine.

My mom emailed my pdoc to find out how to help. He advised her to take a hands off approach which they did. My pdoc understood with me that they have to run their course and bugging me to take a shower wasn't going to work and only made it worse. They have learned to be able to tell when I am getting better and then will gently encourage me to do more and then it works. Education goes a long way with parents and spouses if they are just willing to learn about it. If they read these forums for a couple of weeks they would have a pretty clear idea of what it is like for us.

I'm very glad to learn you're not in crisis. I'm beginning to think that a lot of people have depression long before they are diagnosed. I'm sorry that you have struggled with it for so many years. I'm not sure how long I had it before I was diagnosed, maybe a year. It's hard to know because, as you wrote, it's just the way he/she is or I am. And it can come on gradually. Take care. I wish you well.

I was in an excellent program and one of the things they encouraged was educating family members and significant others through family sessions and informal informational seminars. My boyfriend has experience as a psychologist and he found meeting my therapist beneficial. My two sons are in their late 20s and work in high risk professions and still I protect them. I kept them at a distance so they would not know how bad things were. This was a mistake. The eldest stopped by unannounced on a day I was so bad I was considering hospitalization. He was wonderful and I soon felt must better. However he and his brother (he ratted me out) are now extremely concerned and uncertain if they should trust what I tell them. I am fortunate that both are with women who work in the mental health field and can help them understand the illness. They are beginning to appear less anxious.

Until I read your post I had forgotten how stressful it was in the weeks preceding the breakdown. The constant pressure to perform as you had in the past. Dealing with the frustration and confusion of coworkers. I didn't know what was happening to me and even if I did I'm not sure I would have shared it with my coworkers. (I lost my job anyway.) I wish I had used your honest and direct approach with my immediate and extended family. I am now. Take care and thanks for sharing your experience.

My parents are 51 ^^. But I really wonder if people without depression would understand anything that is written here. Is just... everyone express things so differently and god knows how different it actually is. Just take the threads "whats the worst thing someone has ever told you" or "what NOT to say to a depressed person"... many things there might be good information but many many comments I feel like could have actually helped me even though they were disturbing for someone else. And honestly I feel like both threads covered up almost everything there is to say lol... I guess it all goes down to how you say it and in what context.... but that's not mentioned in the threads either..

anyway my point is that you can surely get a glimps of what hopelessness is like but people are so different I doubt it would do that good on it's own.

It's always tricky with family I gotta say... :/ And it's really difficult in a way to talk about it with others because what might be given what family members do for each other and treat each other might be completely unthinkable in other families. Actually is really weird in my family...cause I can and od hug my little brother a lot and have always done. But hugging my big brother is like hugging a tree.

I wish you well too..