just cant beat it

hi all

haven't log on in awhile hope every one is hanging in there .

well my self help program is uh very questionable to say the least.
even though it kinda help me I still have daily bouts of depressed sadness

so this week has been so hard I feel I am falling backwards bad

I don't know for sure what triggered the bad bout I am experiencing

ok a friend was very ill terminal ... so I would go see him every morning and night .. just to talk and make sure he wasn't dead in his place .
well the last morning I went we talked and had coffee . it was about 10:30 am and I had to get to work so I said to him I need to leave so I will stop by tonight .... he said as soon as you leave so am I

30 MINUTES LATER HE PUT A BULLET IN HIS HEAD

if I hadn't left would he have not done it ?
I had no idea
now I know he had no quality of life hell he couldn't even stand or get to the toilet .... it was just a matter of days or weeks ...
so I feel he did a honorable thing as I don't see suicide under those conditions as wrong /// hell if we let are animals suffer like that we would get sued and arrested and fined so ???

I guess it just brought back all the things I have been trying to suppress
hell who am I kidding I am so screwed in my head any way ..
I am on no meds now I did see my doc 2 months ago and she said she could start me on something and I said NO I wonder if that was a bad decision
sorry for the ramble
peace and love to all

x

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As for the no meds...I was on them through mid March,then I stopped, and I wonder if that was a bad decision...Guess that's always up for discussion.

Peace to you, too...

Jesus, what a heavy trip to put on you.

If you feel that you may have made a mistake in not getting on meds, maybe go back and see. I'm not saying you should, hell, you just went through something very traumatic and maybe talking through it may help.. on the otherhand if you already suffer from depression you may need medicine to help. Darn chemicals on the brain..

I'm sorry you lost your friend. I know that must be hard.

As for meds, I tried but can't stand the depression, which gets worse when I don't take any. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for meds or even for some of the meds that didn't work. But I'm at least stable right now, which is better than I was.

It's certainly a personal decision because I don't think any come with some kind of side effect that you have to put up with. I know personally, I will never be off meds of some sort. I'm just trying to stay ahead of the dark hole.

Hope whatever decision you make that it works for you and you feel better soon.

I'm sorry for the loss of a friend, it's hard even when you understand the why. I agree if we don't let animals suffer why do we force people to suffer until the end.

As for meds, sometimes they help though a crisis but meds don't have to be forever. Perhaps have a discussion about which was are easier to quit when you feel you no longer need them. If you don't want meds there are lifestyle changes that help some people but they take some work to put into action when you are feeling down.

thanx

ya know I don't think its a trip that got put on just a hard reality ... if that makes sense ...
ya know most every day for years I think screw this I don't / cant do this no more.
but in all truth , this life will be all over soon enough .. to soon realy ... life is very short way to short .....
ahh the self help shitn logic kickin in

when I stopped meds it was a well a dumb thing to do but in my mind "at the time " it was the only thing to do .... I had it in my head the meds were making everything worse .... and I did good for some time , as the lady I see is so logical .. haha

yeah life sucks at times but , again isn't that why were here ? to learn and grow ? so we can move to the next plane of existence ?

ya know the thing about livin on a mountain .. with at this time there are 5 people up hear ... and miles to any population .. and by population I meen maybe 30 or so people down below ...... one up here about 2 miles from me he is older guy mid 70's I aint seen him in a couple weeks ... not even to go for water ... and its hot dam hot ... I know I need to go see if he is ok , and he probably is " but dam I don't want to ..... I go tomorrow ........

but I guess ya know what I mean .

wish you all well and the best

remember where ever you go there you are

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x