I still feel down, and im still in that hole i fell into a little while ago. i cant seem to get out of this one this time, and im trying so hard, but i cant do it, not now, not at the moment.

ive sat here and tried to imagine what id say to someoen who was posting this, and not me. ive tried to imagine the advice i would give them, but the advice that comes into my mind just doesnt help me. that makes me think "if my own advice wont help me, how can i offer support to others and expect them to understand, and expect it to help them!". i just feel useless right now.

i dont feel i have much strength right now. and i turned to things that i love doing, but the depression seems to be building walls in front of them blocking me off from them. it scares me.

i dont want to be down anymore, i want to be enjoying my life like i thought i would. when i left my job i knew i woulld be risking goign back into depression, but i had things lined up to stop me, but they have failed, and now i have fallen into it. i knew it would happen, but i really wanted to do these things, and i was more than happy to take that chance, i didnt think it would back-fire on me like it has.

if i could get out of depression and work at what i love, my music, then things would start changing, but i cant. i dont have any self-belief, and i truly believe i dont have what it takes. is that depression talking, or is it the years of insults and put-downs i have recieved from everyone finally catching up with me. i have no self confidence. how do i build that up? i dont even know anymore!

any support from you guys will help me so much. thanks in advance.

simon

[polkadotpixie]

I think I kind of know how you feel, no matter how much I'm told I'm good at something, I never believe it...I always feel like eventually I'm going to fail and let everyone who had faith in me down

I always wonder how different my life would be if I had any self confidence but I don't know where to begin, I hope you find a way forward soon...

Good Luck!

simon, depression works in cycles. i believe that you're in a pretty deep one now and you can work on small things to dig out of it. take one small thing that you want to do and complete it REGARDLESS.......that always helps me.........and PM me if you need to. i'm going into Austin for the day but will be back this afternoon......love you much, pat

[Soidhonia]

Hello Simon. I hope things get better for you soon. Have you thought about volunteering at a hospital or Senior Center and sharing your music with them. I feel part of your problem is that you feel that you are not thriving not having a job at the moment Simon it is okay to take time off and recuperate from depression, anyone with depression knows depression is not something that can be controlled like magic sometimes. It is a chemical imbalance and Must be addressed as a biological condition just like diabetes or other ailments. Have you had a physical or have you called your therapist and Dr to let them know that you are in a critical frame of mind. The professionals can help you if you let them know that you are not thriving at this time. I also think if you start something positive in your life when you feel beterit will help you get motivated to think more positively. Volunteering and helping others part time is good for some people and you are very talented and have a lot to offer as far as volunteering at different places or organizations. I really hope you feel better soon and I sincerely Hope that you call your therapist and Dr and get the help you need and deserve Simon you are too talented to not do something with your talents. I hope the best for you in the future. Take care Soidhonia

[Perna]

Can you work at letting other things that are pleasant but not "related" to you help inspire you? Listen to music you like and just enjoy it, not worry at first about creating your own? Curiosity, whether manufactured or "real" has helped me before. Can you look for a "new" sound of someone else's that you like (instead of being able to decide that the old music that's familiar to you doesn't do anything for you). I was watching a couple of TV programs about exercise and they both mentioned "confusing" the muscles so they couldn't get "use to" a workout and thus hit a plateau. Maybe you can "confuse" your emotional muscle with curiosity and look for "new" things or the old things in new ways? Make a little list of "different" things you like to hear or one's you've never experienced and go out and find them? Think of micro-pleasures (hot shower, clean sheets, a particular thing to eat, etc.) and go "get" them, one a day. Mix things up a bit.

polkadotpixie, fayerody, soidhonia and perna, thank you for your suggestions.

having a conversation with biplol earlier, i suddenly realised what the problem is. i want to do it too much! i love music, and i am so desperate to start recording my own, to get my voice out there, that i was forcing myself into it and not letting it flow. i need vocal training, as the voice is as much of an instrument as, say, a guitar. i cant expect to pick a guitar up and know exactly how to play it straight off without any practice or training. so why do i expect to with my voice...well not anymore. i realised i need vocal coaching, so i will start that soon.

i have decided to step back from making my own music and to begin focusing on getting back to being mentally happy, then together with the vocal training, i should begin building more confidence.

im generally unhappy these days, not just about my music, but allsorts. i feel lonely, and feel i have nothing to offer the world.

perna, i will be sure to set tasks to achieve. first one will be to sort my sleeping patterns out as i am going to sleep very late and getting up very late, which makes me unhappy too.

simon

[Christina86]

No advice Simon, but good for you to continue to try.

And as you already know, you can talk to me whenever.

(((((((((((Simon))))))))))

thanks canders, its good to know i have you as a friend.

i have just got home from therapy, and what a difference it made! i feel clear headed now. it just shows how helpful therapy is. i talked, then talked a little more, then talked a little bit more hehe. i see things clearly now. i had clearly not coped too well with the large absence in therapy, but now we are back to normal, hopefully we (therapist and i) can work to banish these blues.

tomorrow i am ringing around some vocal coaches, get some quotes and onfo on it, and maybe even book something. i have to do it whilst i feel positive as i cant afford to wait, as i never know when i will be down again.

i asked her about the bipolar querie i had (that you may know from my post a short while ago in Bipolar) and she said she doubts i have it, and she said "i cant imagine a psychotherapist would diagnose you with it...you just have manic depression". so i feel releaved that i am not bipolar.

i feel back on track for the moment, how long it will last is anyones guess. but i intend to enjoy it and be as productive as possible whilst i feel this way. and live in hope that tomorrow the sun will shine brightly down on me.

thank you again for all your support, no doubt i will need it again soon, but until then i hope to be able to support those who need support more.

simon

[Perna]

Simon, your "not lost" signature reminded me of when I worked at Sears Roebuck when I was your age and we were talking about marriage and "why haven't you found a husband?" and I haughtily replied that I hadn't found a husband because "mine" wasn't lost and someone quipped (I think my manager :-) "Well, if he isn't lost, he's probably running like hell!"

A plan, a vocal coach plan! How exciting. Hope some of the excitement stays with you.

the "im not lost, just undiscovered" quote i took from a song. its called, obviously "undiscovered". i heard the quote and thought "oh, that is so me!"

it is exciting isnt it, i too hope it stays with me, it should do, but its been known not to.

simon

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Simon )))))))))))))))))

[Boopers]

Simon,
I hope you are feeling better!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Simon))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[katheryn]

((((((((((((((Simon))))))))))))))
sorry you have not been feeling very good lately, i was reading your posts when i saw you are having to readjust your sleeping pattern, i to feel terrible if i wake late especially if theres things that i should be doing, i wish you well and hope you are feeling better

fuzzybear, boopers and katheryn, thank you.

today was an "ok" day, i havent felt down but havent been up either, im in a kind of "no mans land" of emotion today. which i think is a good thing, because i am half way to happiness. hopefully i will get there tomorrow. i will continue trying.

glad to see you back by the way katheryn. from on brit to another. let me know how evrything is going, yeah. ive been thinking about you and wondering how you and your family have been.

simon

[FaithisAlive]

Where are you Simon? Let us know you're okay... I'm thinking of you!! Love, Faith