Struggles as usual

Once again I struggle, but I come here to write it out in hopes it will help. Writing it out helps a little because it slows down my mind. Also getting the feedback from others helps and I appreciate the community even though I do not often help as much as I would like to.

Lately I'm just in that position where my feelings are not in sync with my life. I'm told I'm invaluable to my work, but I feel useless and horrible. I feel like I shouldn't be alive, but I want to live and be with my family. These are like the dialectics in DBT, which I should go back to remembering to do. It's just so much work to keep up with techniques to keep my mind calm.

The other day I spelled everything my mind thought to keep myself from having trouble thinking too far ahead in the day. I spelled every color I saw and when I wasn't thinking words, I spelled my counting from one to four and back. I even tried counting in another language just to keep my brain occupied (German, Spanish, Japanese). The exercise worked, but was tiring and left me worn out even though I was just starting my day.

I guess that is my frustration over and over again. To stay in the fight, I have to fight a hard and exhausting battle. I can do this and it will make me tired (a dialectic). I now turn my mind to accept this reality and that it is not approval of the reality, only acceptance.

I want to tell someone that I'm having hurtful thoughts about myself, but I am afraid. I don't have a plan and do not intend to do anything to harm myself. It's just as we all know our minds wander and my mind likes to wander to places. In reality I believe I am imagining a fake world where I exist, but not in the current world. I exist as an observer and not as an actor in the world. I exist without responsibility and without consequence. There is so much relief in that thought, but because it is unobtainable, I then struggle....not accepting reality again.

I chose to cope because not coping will be worse. I'm not sure if this really helped, but I tried. I also tried to not be alone and shared my thoughts. I wish I had a way to get into group therapy, but the only options are too late after work (after an already exhausting day commuting and working). For some reason I feel like it might help to be around others who are struggling even though I hate being around other people. I guess i just hate being around those who hide their struggles and appear to be coping fine.

What you wrote felt what is echoing in my head (except for the ability to speak ANY language well - let alone foreign languages).

I can only count.

End of the day and so exhausted but still have to get through the long commute and people on the bus and train. Today was a bad day but I'll try not to think about tomorrow. Of course I will think that I will fail tomorrow as well. I just want to isolate so much. Getting out and functioning is not a realistic treatment plan.

Screw it. I can't change. I hate being me and hate living like this. Go home to nothing but a family in an apartment that is too small and daughter and wife who fight all the time. I hate work and hate the train and people I see to and from work. I want to live but I am miserable. Therapy doesn't work and I'm on so many pills. Now to continue my misery and wait for the train home only to be stuck standing and cramped and unhappy.

Things have become so bad that I'm thinking of going to the hospital tomorrow to try to get an assessment and see if I can get into a day program. I'll have to hope my contract hospital is willing to transfer my care close to home. Also have to worry about how to make ends meet if I run out of sick time and hit disability. Also worries about having my job still. May just ruin my life more but tight now I can't stop the depression. I'm even depressed that I don't get much response here. Just feel like I'm going to lose everything.

Wow hang in there. I know it is a struggle everyday but you see that you need help and are trying to get it. That is huge and you should give yourself some credit. It takes a really courageous person to walk in a hospital and say hey this is were I am at.

I know because I did it many years ago with a gentle push (she could recognize what I could not) and no doubt that saved my life at the time. So to do it solo is even bigger. We are here for you to bounce ideas off. I am scared myself as I am going to try a group therapy tonight that I have never gone to before and I am hoping it will be another tool to put in my toolbox as it were. I send you many

I know how much energy and pure force of will it takes to commute and work everyday. For years all I did was commute work and sleep. It was all I was capable of. The older I got the harder it was to force myself to do things. I just got plain tired of staying in the fight. Do to the economy and lack of work partly, and I think the progression of my depression getting worse it became too much. I am back in the fight but I am not working now. I could be working if I felt I was capable. I am actually doing very good right now so the battle is not so hard. I am scared to be honest of what the future holds. I have accepted my depression and anxiety and there is peace and contentment in that but I do not know how I fit into this world anymore.

I was denied the opportunity to go to a partial program near my home. Instead I am supposed to go to one that is linked with my PCP which is 1.5 - 2 hours away from my home. We only have one car and the train doesn't go near the facility, so I won't be going anywhere.

I'm not strong enough to contest this and if I change my PCP, I lose all of my services at the facility I currently get everything, which is near my work.

I feel quite hopeless right now. I'm nearly in tears at work again, but have to somehow get through. I keep taking days off and it's looking bad even though I have intermittent FMLA to take days off. If I can't get any hope soon I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I have no hope of ever getting into work that will make me feel rewarded or feel good about my life. I also don't do well at home with my family except that I can just zone out and play video games. My wife probably hates having to take care of me like this, but I can't even cope with getting my own medicine half the time. Plus my kids aren't getting any time with me and I won't go outside on weekends. It's turning into a losing battle.