[Dude]

Well. I'd like the people that are interested to read this song by a favorite band of mine and then at the bottom I am going to post a few words about what I am feeling. I found out that swearing is frowned upon but noticed that it get's sensored anyway. But in any case I apologize for the swears in the song but they are meaningful and have a point being there. Actually I will edit it, I think I can subsitute.

Story Of A Lonely Guy - Blink 182

Push it out, fake a smile
avert disaster just in time
I need a drink, cause in a while
worthless answers from friends of mine
it's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
girls possess me but they're never mine
I made my entrance
avoided hazards
checked my engine I fell behind

Dada dada dada dada da
I fell behind
dada dada dada dada da

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
and when the storms gone I'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cause I'm a fricken' boy

Remember when I was in
the grocery store, now's my time
lost the words, lost the nerve,
lost the girl, left the line
I would wish upon a star
but that star, it doesn't shine
so read my book, with a boring ending
a short story of a lonely guy

Dada dada dada dada da
who fell behind
dada dada dada dada da

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
and when the storms gone I'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cause I'm a ****in' boy

Dada dada dada dada da
dada dada dada dada da

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
and when the storms gone I'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cause I'm still
just a stupid, worthless boy

This song pretty much sums up my life as far as relationships and my feeling incredibly worthless and lonely. Apparently the majority of the people here seem to be quite a bit older than me and will most likely say "Oh yeah I've been there" or "Your still young and there is time. Things will work ou for you sooner or later". I don't think they will in all honesty because of a few reasons. Girls do not like depressed and very negative guys who would rather sit on their butts then go out and get a job. Also, even though many girls that I know say that they do not care about looks and that it's about 75% personality and 25% looks I believe it to be different from that and more like 90% looks and 10% personality. I admit that I am guilty of caring about looks (Not hardcore) but I know that it's hard to over come someone's looks and fall in love with them, which brings us to me. I see girls seeing me that way. That they may think I am a great guy at times but just are not attracted to me.

My favorite line from that song is "Girls posses me but they're never mine"

The story of my life is that I fall in love with unattainable girls. I myself am a non Christian but all my friends and the girls that I know are Christians as well. I fall in love with them full well knowing that even if they did feel strongly about me, nothing would ever become of it because they would only date a fellow Christian. I udnerstand why this is because they want to make God the center of their relationship and grow together spiritually (I grew up going to church). So why is it that I fall in love with them? I don't know but something tells me it's a part of my self destructive behavior and that by falling in love and having my heart smashed to pieces I am protecting myself? Or avoiding some kind of realization? I don't know what it is. This has happened to me twice and each time it has taken me about 8 months to 1 year to really get over them. Although. For some reason I still feel pain when I see them around and don't know what to do about it. I talked to my really smart philosophy friend about the possiblity of becoming invincible to emtional pain. He thinks the idea is great but really the closest that we are going to come to that is to prevent letting ourselves be hurt and putting up an emotional shield. I agreed even though I have no idea how to go about doing this.

I'd rather take a bullet in the leg than be hurt emotionally again because at least that would just be a flesh wound and would heal even though the pain would be excruciating. The pain from emotional pain just never seems to go away and seems like the never ending series of kicks to the groin (Sorry for the kind of gross anology). Anyway. I am done. I am sick of being alone. I need to find a girl.

[the_link]

Dude,

I am very new here but this is one subject where I have a lot of experience. Your feelings are your feelings. It is so important to allow yourself the joys and sadness of life. They go hand in hand, and if you lose one, you lose the other. When I was @ 6 my familiy moved, and I went from being a popular, straight A student to a loner who was barely passing. I hated my parents and my situation so I started to build that emotional shield you are looking for. All through high school I kept building and building. I can honestly say that I cant name more than 5 peope I graduated with. All because I had built this wall around myself. It was great, I couldnt be hurt, and was safe. I went to college for a while (didnt graduate) and had a blast. It was then I realized that the wall I built to keep the sadness out, was keeping happiness out and my love in. I realized that dating was hard for me because I had no idea on how to lower the walls to let someone in and my love out. When I would date a girl and it would go bad, I would jump back behind that wall and build it up even higher. So fast that I never really let myself be sad. The kicker is when I joined the USMC. They were so excellent for me in so many ways, but did far more damage. They reinforced the blocking of feelings and the emotional detachment that I have been working on my whole life. I never dated in the USMC, just had a few very casual relationships. I got out in 98 and have not been able to really build a strong relationship since.

Since I got out, I would get so lonely, wondering if I woud spend the rest of my life alone and get real sad and depressed. No big deal, just take those feelings and lock them away with the rest. It is so bad that when my father died in '97 I didnt even shed one tear. The sadness came welling up, but got locked away and I just moved on. I am in a relationship right now with a great girl. I started seeing a therapist when we first started dating (4 months ago) thinking the therapist would wave a magic wand and I would be normal. Wrong!! I think I love her, I have never really known what love is but maybe this is it. We broke up for a week and I was devasated, I am in a constant battle in my head trying to keep her. I have been able to cry for the first time in @ 25 years, thanks to the work of my therapist. I am trying so hard to be strong and stand on my own, but its like I am finally breaking down the walls of this emotional fortress. I walk out to meet her with my love in hand, and the first thing I realize is that the sun is blinding me and I am completely defensless, scared, and insecure. I dont know if she is the love of my life or the enemy coming to crush my love. But I have to try and stand here as long as possible and hope that she is coming to me to love me, not hurt me. Its the hardest thing I have ever done, much worse than USMC bootcamp. I big part of me thinks that we are heading to a break up, but atleast I am regaining the abilty to love and be hurt.

Your feelings are like a pressure cooker. You cant keep them in for too long. They need to be let out and expressed. Your heart is indestructible. It may seem like you are going to die at any moment but you will get better. I guess what I am telling you is that you dont want to build up that shield. Sure, protect yourself but never deny yourself the feelings of life, love, joy, or sadness. They are a huge part of us, and absolutely essential to make us who we are. I have so many years of pent up emotions, happy and sad that I want to bring out, and it is so difficult. I walk around in a daze sometimes because I dont know what to do about this relationship, and I am so insecure that I get paranoid about the relationship.

I am very sorry about going on so long, and telling you my life story, but do not wish what I am going through on anyone. I long to be loved, and to be sad. To cry for a lost relative, and to experience the joy of marriage. DONT LOCK YOURSELF UP!!! I am jealous of your ability to love another person. Find a girl, love her and give her everything you have. Stand tall and if she knocks you down, get back up, dust yourself off and keep going. You never know, the next time you get knocked down, Love might be there to pick you up and walk with you through life together. Again, sorry for ranting. Once I get going I have a hard time stopping. And listen to Ozzie! She has helped more than she knows in the short time I have been here. I have attached a story I wrote. When I met my girlfriend, I had a glimpse of what love could be and wrote this. I did it in one sitting and in only about 2 hours. I love sharing it, I hope you like it.

Mike

[Dude]

Thank you all for your support and advice. Mike I find it extremely hard to motivate myself to read things but I did manage to read your story and it was a very good depiction of what you talked about in your post so good job. It was very clever putting it into story form. I am going to try to listen to all of your advice and comments but I am not promising that I will be able to use them all or agree with them all. Anyway thank you.

[the_link]

Hey There,

Hope all is well. Of of the best things about advice and comments is that they give you ideas about what you can do for yourself. Listen to what works for others and modify them to fit your needs. I hope you had a great weekend, Take care.

Mike