I miss my suicidal thoughts.

Like that says I miss them. I feel like an idiot.

At least when I was having those thoughts it was a ray of light. An out if I was ever brave enough to take it.

Now, it's like I'm traveling down a long dark tunnel with no hope of exit. No change. Nothing.

I don't enjoy life. I tolerate it.

How is it that I have no wish to actively remove myself from something that I find no interest in? Why have they gone? Does the fact that I don't feel them now mean I never really wanted to die anyway? Maybe I imagined them? Are these sorts of feelings just supposed to disappear? Does it just mean I'm getting better?

I don't know anything right now.

I too fee like an idiot

I would say it means you are getting better.

I know how you feel. I have often spent huge amount of time thinking about it before because I found it comforting. Like you said it was a way out, a solution. Just knowing I had that option was a comfort.

Hopefully you will continue on the upswing and won't miss them anymore.

Ouch. If you ever need any - I have LOTS that I can spare.

I feel like an idiot all the time! I always say the wrong thing and I always miss my thoughts when they go away when I'm not listening to music. I mean I listen to music to get away from everything but when I just don't have the suicidal thoughts when I'm not listening to music really makes me miss them.

I know what you mean sometimes, when I'm well, I miss my depression. I think missing something so negative is part of the process of acceptance. Depression will always be part of my life and, at times, suicidal thoughts will be there too. They have become part of my identity, so I feel "undressed" without them. Hopelessness and futility are such consuming emotions and without a way out they can feel overpowering, but suicidal thoughts are exhausting too so I do hope that not having those thoughts is a sign that you are a little better.

Almost sounds like Helsinki Syndrome, when a hostage actually begins to miss the person that kept him/her hostage. This usually happens when the person was held for a long time and began to form almost a kind of dysfunctional, codependent "relationship" with the kidnapper/hostage taker. I know this sounds weird, but it's almost like you formed a sense of familiarity with the suicidal thoughts and designate them a life of their own, like a being, or I suppose you could say they are personified. For those who believe that these things are caused by (a) demon(s), this would make perfect sense, as an actual entity is used to describe the suicidal thoughts.

I feel like I could've written this thread! I totally understand where you're coming from. I feel lost w/o mine but know well enough that they're there...just not active. I try to take this time to do more T work so there's more time between those dark days. Hopefully you're able to light at the end of this tunnel too.

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I think your self-deprecation and death wishes are tools you employ to motivate yourself. You do not believe your pronouncements, but have difficulty renouncing the distortions that have served you in the past to survive but no longer are appropriate and, in fact, are dangerous.