[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

So another post got me thinking about this...it's something that I struggle with a lot, particularly when I'm depressed. Even when I'm not as deep in the hole as I am right now, though, I still think about this and believe to be generally true:

Do we matter as individuals?

I have a husband and 2 children. I hear them tell me they love me, and my husband tells me he needs me, but I just don't understand that. There are a lot of people whom I love in life, but I don't think there's anyone that I need...and I don't really believe anyone NEEDS me. And I think anyone who has dealt with loss might understand this. If I weren't around anymore, they would survive, right? Life would go on, as it has for millennia, with or without me. Is there really any significance to a single life? (Notwithstanding those who have truly made an impact on the world for generations and/or centuries of people to come...let's face it, most of us aren't included in that list.)

Feeling truly insignificant today - like I'm more of a burden than it's worth to those around me. How do others hold a belief system about individual lives different than what I've described?

[glok]

Hello, NoIdeaWhatToDo. We all have value as unique people of the world. Believe it.

I wish you well.

[i dont matter]

Yes - you and others here matter...... and then there is me.

[gayleggg]

I believe we definitely matter as individuals. So many individuals have made such an impact on my life. Some of them are no longer with us. I struggle with the emptiness they left in part of my heart. Each one was special.

There was the math teacher in high school that encouraged me. He was the only teacher to do so. He gave me confidence. I have raised my daughter and I as an individual have had a great impact on her and her life. I could go on and on about the individuals in my life that made amazing deference to my life. I believe we are put on this world for a purpose and that each and every human being has great importance. We all affect everyone we meet if we only give them a smile, or an encouraging "good morning".

You matter. You make an impact on your family that you may not realize but they do. If you weren't there, there would be a hole that no one else could fill.

[Altered Moment]

I think it depends on you spiritual beliefs.

From strictly an evolutionary biological point of view individuals in a species don't really matter. It is the gene pool that matters. "The selfish gene" by Richard Dawkins proposes this. He is a pure atheist and thinks we are just biochemical machines that totally react to our environment by instinct and biochemistry. That free will is an illusion. His most recent famous book is "The God Delusion". The materialist have strong arguments. Dawkins is the best in the field of evolutionary biology.

I am a spiritualist so I don't buy those arguments even though I am big into science and believe in evolution. It is much harder for spiritualist to prove our views. The debate rages on.

I believe that all life on earth has inherent value. That we as individuals do have inherent value and worth. There is a whole lot to this universe than we are not able to perceive. Quantum physics and cosmology is coming up with all sorts of bizzare things that they cannot explain. From a purely scientific point of view these things tend to back up the spiritualist view.

[MissingNumber]

Well, we didn't need Alexander Graham Bell or Einstein, either. We didn't need their parents who brought them into the world. We would have survived without them and their contributions, but on both an individual and a mass scale would it have been the same?

[Fuzzybear]

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I guess I'm just at the point where I've brought my kids into the world, and they'll do what they do. I don't have any Einstein or Bell contributions to make to the world. I'm not feeling suicidal or anything, and I understand that my family and friends love me...I just don't get the idea that I'm needed. I lost my dad when I was 15. I loved him, but I guess I didn't NEED him - we made it work after he died.

Sometimes, especially when I'm depressed, I don't feel like the weight of all this is worth it for my family. I know they love me, but wouldn't it be a better scenario for them if they didn't have to put up with the depression, with its anxiety, anger, and apathy? If we don't have an activity scheduled with the kids, I don't take them anywhere - and I don't play with them at home because there are too many things that have to get done to make the house run. Dinner, cleanup, laundry - it takes everything I've got just to get those things done...I don't have anything leftover for my family. My husband is great - he's fun with them, passionate about things he shares with them, takes them to do things with him. I guess when I think about how I'm NEEDED around here, it just feels like we could just pay someone to contribute what I do for my family...

[MissingNumber]

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

I guess I'm just at the point where I've brought my kids into the world, and they'll do what they do. I don't have any Einstein or Bell contributions to make to the world. I'm not feeling suicidal or anything, and I understand that my family and friends love me...I just don't get the idea that I'm needed. I lost my dad when I was 15. I loved him, but I guess I didn't NEED him - we made it work after he died.

Sometimes, especially when I'm depressed, I don't feel like the weight of all this is worth it for my family. I know they love me, but wouldn't it be a better scenario for them if they didn't have to put up with the depression, with its anxiety, anger, and apathy? If we don't have an activity scheduled with the kids, I don't take them anywhere - and I don't play with them at home because there are too many things that have to get done to make the house run. Dinner, cleanup, laundry - it takes everything I've got just to get those things done...I don't have anything leftover for my family. My husband is great - he's fun with them, passionate about things he shares with them, takes them to do things with him. I guess when I think about how I'm NEEDED around here, it just feels like we could just pay someone to contribute what I do for my family...

Why is need the key here?

I see life as involving a degree of struggle whether it's a family member with depression or becoming a bestselling author. Sometimes good things do come easily, but if someone wants a very specific one, like a certain wife and mother or to write a bestselling teen novel, then it's something that will involve late nights, stress, failures, messy schedules, compromises, planning, and all kinds of other things. There's a kind of glamor to things when seen from the outside, but people who are smart know that there's a lot more work than beautiful, photographic moments...

Not trying to say it's not understandable to be questioning, just that I don't think it's a "you" thing. Nobody wants to feel like their family could just go on without them. Maids don't give the same kind of kisses that mothers do, though.

[regretful]

We matter to people. We're social beings. I know that I matter to my wife and my son, just as they matter to me. My father, who died 18 years ago, mattered to me - a lot. Just my two cents...

[Secretum]

Yes, you do matter. All of you. Even you, "I don't matter". Everyone has infinite value, given to them by virtue of their being sentient beings.

[freefallin]

I thought I mattered until society made it perfectly clear that no one really values me or cares what happens to me. I don't have an impressive resume but also have a college education, so I'm at that point where no one wants to hire me for the menial jobs because they figure I'm just going to leave if I find a better opportunity anyway, while no one wants to hire me for the career type jobs because why should they when they have 50 other applicants with decades of experience on their resumes? They also want applicants who are outgoing types, and I'm an introvert who isn't really good at things like trying to sell people stuff, so employers see no value in hiring me. Since no one thinks I'm worth hiring for a job, I can't get approved for an apartment since employers want to see someone with, not only a source of income, which I technically have since I freelance write but it's very low pay, but someone with a steady and pretty high income. Since I don't meet these requirements that society has decided one must meet in order to live, I'm screwed. So what if I wind up homeless and starving to death? Literally nobody cares; nobody even wants to hear about it. Or what if I have to live with my violent and psychotic sister who throws her period blood at me among other abusive things? Not any employer's problem; they still don't want me and don't care if spend every day in misery because they have deemed me unworthy of an income to support myself on. So what if I can't afford the healthcare I've needed for a long time and wind up dying? Nobody cares...sucks to be me as far as literally everyone is concerned.

Society has made it pretty clear to me that not only are people like me not needed, but I'm also not wanted. Virtually every aspect of society is stacked against my survival at this point.

[Davyblues]

In 500 years no one will be here and it will all be different but when you lose someone it changed you it makes you sad it makes you an unhappy drunk a compulsive spender or a recluse. It might only make you not understand which makes you sad.

If anyone on here was to leave we would all be sad but we don't need anyone until we lose them.

I sold my recording studio as I didn't need it then I sat and realised I do need it but I just bought another with life we can't just buy another and to feel loved and wanted is a great thing that money can't buy.

Go buy a nice meal for your family and treat them with a smile cause many millionaires have everything but no one wants or needs from them and that is depression

DavyBlues

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[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Hmm. I hear what a lot of you are saying. I get that we matter to others and others matter to us. I understand loving people and being sad when they go. In this particular thread of thought, I'm hung up on the word 'need' because when I talk things over with my husband about how I'm feeling or what's going on with me, he often responds to me by saying he 'needs' me and our kids 'need' me. That's what I don't get when we're talking. I love and want my husband and my kids. But I guess history has shown me that we 'need' a lot less in life than we actually believe we do. And I guess I just don't believe that any of us 'needs' one particular person in their lives, regardless of how much we want or love them.

Does that make more sense? And I'm asking about this because I hear people say a lot that they 'need' someone (hear it from friends, family, etc.). So I'm wondering if people actually believe this, or if it's a loosely used term people are substituting in the place of the words 'want' or 'love'. Or am I really missing something essential here, that people truly do feel that way about others on an individual basis?

[Davyblues]

Freefallin
I feel your anger I was the same one day I drank a bottle rum and applied for 120 jobs online and landed a cracker. Ok I had to move 150 miles but sometimes lifting yourself and smiling and being someone different to get you in is what you need to do.

The Police the band play funky nice music but to get signed when punk was the in thing they had to release some punky material to get signed just to get in the door.

Focus on your commitment to health and safety or your ability to complete tasks to the exact detail. To improve have ideas and work with others.
How you are keen to enhance your learning through online courses once you have funds and will be willing to travel work long hours.

Stand out with a confidence and determination go for jobs you don't feel you will get dress smart go early research the company and prove you are the person they have always wanted.

Turn up early for interview ask lots of questions.
The cleaner in my last job sat down with me all depressed he knew the facility inside out he knew the clients the improvements needed and he complained he could do a better job. He had no qualifications struggled with home life but I said you don't even see what you can achieve here do you? You work for a massive company you clean big bosses rooms do errands for facility manager non stop great every day on time and you are polite now think.
So I introduced him to the biggest boss he wore a suit talked his ideas over how he would goto college if needed and after an hour his depression had lifted.

He got the facility managers job all be it lower wages to start and a few months training.

He didn't realise but he was a hard working cleaner a punctual nice spoken individual respected by staff and now he is top dog.

He was always top dog just never realised it


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[Clara22]

Hi,
I think we adapt. In general, we are social by evolution, we are wired to "need" other human beings, and according to developed attachments, we may need certain or specific individuals to better function. But, we adapt. If we have good psychological tools we adapt to the loss of significant others sooner or later. I think that there are different levels of needs, and there are different supplies for those needs. Many of those needs are created by culture and we could suppress them, but I think that that suppression could be hard.

[Clara22]

When I listen to Freefallin, I hear a different thing. I hear a legitimate claim. As society we say we care for everyone, but in practice , as society, that is not true. As society, we don't care for everyone, in fact more and more people are falling through the cracks. It is not me saying this, look at the statistics about inequality and lack of opportunities. One of the populations that suffers the most is young people. We do not have enough solutions or safety nets. It is a fact. I am not saying that Frefalin should abandon herself but, give her some credit. She is going through hell and there is no much out of there to help her.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks, Clara22 - I think that falls in with what my T was talking about with me today. Suppressing versus expressing, and how that's an ongoing trigger for me for depression. When I talk about the idea of 'needing' someone with others, I'm often left feeling like I either just don't get it, or that I'm wired differently. I have a lot of self judgment about my differences from others, so it's really hard for me to hear others say things that seem like a common experience that I don't get. I wonder if the 'difference' I'm perceiving may actually just be an adaption I developed early in life.

And I completely agree about the disconnect between society's word and actions, especially with regard to how we value people and how we express that. Sorry it's so hard for you right now, freefallin.

[Clara22]

Thank you, Noideawhattodo! Reading your thread helped me a lot today