[Purplesept2007]

I feel like I am hanging by a thread today I know the day is almost done but at different times today felt like I was going to throw up because I am so upset. The horrible thing is what the heck am I so upset about why. I am so tired of fighting this depression I think one of these days it is going to win what a shame that would be NOT.

I wish I was not writing this but so many thoughts are going through my head and none of them are good. I have been faking it with everyone today except my therapist I wrote a email to her early today and I was completely honest. I feel like I am drowning in sorrow.

[Travelinglady]

I'm sorry, Snuggles22. I hope you feel better soon. Please tell your doctor how you are feeling. Are you seeing a therapist? I find talking to one very helpful in keeping my depression in check.

I know many of us ask "why." Depression is a tough thing to deal with. But it always gets better for me at some point. And it can for you.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Snuggles, sorry I didn't catch your thread yesterday and hoping today is a little better for you but if not...........sometimes that sickening/sinking/upset feeling or depression can creep in/dig in it's claws without any reason for you to be upset. It doesn't discriminate, you don't necessarily have to have a reason to validate it.
And I know it can be really hard keeping up the fight, but sometimes exploring different tools or perspectives can help just a little in the fight or at least make it a little easier until either it's beaten or it gives up/passes.
And it is really good that you've let "the mask slip" with your T. Sometimes things are just too much to go it alone, and I'm hoping they've offered/offer you support. And sometimes just keeping saying "Look this is how it is..............." can be a massive step in the battle you've been facing and in getting the help/support you need along the way/in moving forward.
And you know, at least you don't have to fake anything here if you want to talk. And if the fight is getting you down/stealing your strength away, then we're here to try to share/lift the load a little. Anytime you want to lean on us for support we're here.

Alison

[Purplesept2007]

And it is really good that you've let "the mask slip" with your T.
And you know, at least you don't have to fake anything here if you want to talk. And if the fight is getting you down/stealing your strength away, then we're here to try to share/lift the load a little. Anytime you want to lean on us for support we're here.

Alison[/QUOTE]

With my therapist I don't believe I have ever masked things I have been very cautious in my wording to her sometimes but she can sense that. We have a number scale that we use often a 1 being that I am doing absolutely super and a 10 that probably should be hospitalized.

You really have no idea what the last couple sentences meant to me but

On some new info today my daughter's fiance possible brother-in-law a few years back (either by marriage or significant other) killed himself yesterday he was only 22 so sad.

Here is the thing my heart always goes out to family and friends of a love one that takes their life. My heart goes out to the individual that committed suicide also. But today my reaction was very indifferent totally out of character for me. I think because my head has been were this young mans was this past week for myself. I am 51 so I have lived much more life than he was able too. I guess it is some of the realization what it would do to my family and friends of my own that is hard for me to swallow (and I guess that is a good thing in a way). Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but I guess that tells myself I still want to be around.

[oliamble]

Snuggles22 hang in there and please reply to posts. You are not alone and words of comfort when we are in the state of depression due help to let you know many (millions of people) out there also suffer from depression just like you. Please hang in there, if it within your reach seek help with a specialist or have a friend or family member do so for you. Please feel better, I'm sure you will, dont give up.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Snuggles, while I really wouldn't want you to be feeling the way you are it is really good that you're recognising that and sharing it. Now I think that it's amazingly (!!!) caring of you to be thinking about effects on your family and friends if............considering all you're going through, and absolutely use that if it's all that's working for you right now, but I'd say it may help a little more to focus on you.
Gradually moving past/on from these feelings might come a little easier if you looked a bit more at how you deserve more, your fight for you, how you could have more, where recovery could take you rather than feeling a sense of almost obligation/responsibility to others.
I'd say that that obligation/responsibility is a whole lot to have "piled on you" when you're already finding it so hard, and maybe making coping even harder at times with the "guilt" (??) going on.
And maybe I'm wrong but with "yesterday he was only 22 so sad." it kind of tells me that you think life can be precious???? And with you at 51........I'm sure looking back really hard you can see some really precious times, things that have made you who you are underneath all of this/things that have made your life what it was/is if you can work through this depression and in that the possibility of more precious times. I don't know maybe that's real hard for you to be thinking right now but just a thought.
So maybe more about you Snuggles and getting the help you need?? Because you do deserve help, you do matter!!
Would it be possible to have your medication reviewed, to see your therapist a bit more at times, or maybe a helpline if you're really struggling???
And of course you know we're here for you too!!!

Alison

[Purplesept2007]

Dear Alison,
You have such good insight and so many wise statements I was extremely touched by what you wrote and will definitely try to focus on me. I think you are really right everyone comes before me and maybe I need to change that up a bit. Myself and my therapist have discussed the medication but really don't believe that is the issue right now. Also have discussed medication with my psych nurse practioner and for right now she seems to agree also (she is the one that does my medication). I am seeing my therapist on a pretty regular basis (you know I was going to write but it does get costly and since I don't work anymore don't want that extra cost going out there for my husband's to come up with) but I should not be so concerned about that and do what I feel is needed for me (that's a wow moment).

I have used the national helpline at times just to get through sometimes. I really appreciate the time you took to write back as I do the others who also replied. When I first started posting it was very difficult but I feel I am starting to become comfortable with putting it out exactly as it is because people are not judgemental and I do feel care
Thank you so much....

[glok]

Hello, Snuggles22. It appears the treatment you are receiving is not working. I hope you and your therapist make appropriate adjustments.

I wish you well.

[Fuzzybear]

[Frankbtl]

Hi Snuggles, thank you for sticking with us and sharing!!
While we're thinking about you faking it can be so completely draining (and isolating) sometimes, especially if you're doing it over and over for however long.
I'm not necessarily saying just lay out all out there for your family and friends because I'm guessing you'd find that really hard (??) but maybe if you could let out just a little more to some people in your life?? And if there are any areas/tasks they could help you out with a little more?? I'm sure you've helped them out from time to time, right??!!
Because acting like there's nothing/not much wrong doesn't make is so does it? And just smaller things can be really tough, so every little bit of help would make just a bit of a difference, right?
And if you could just talk to someone close about how you're feeling??
Still as for the writing/the extra cost.......right on!! you should be doing what you feel is needed for you!!! If it was in relation to a medical/physical problem and you needed the input of a professional you wouldn't have been hesitating quite as much probably (??) but this is just as important as any medical/physical problem. And if right now it isn't really a choice, you need that, you shouldn't really be denying yourself that, hey??
As for the medication.......well they're the experts but just wondering if you've written down as precisely as you can, some of the difficulties/feelings you've been having.........duration, frequency, intensity......all that to give them a real "overview"?? Maybe it could help??? Or if they want to keep it the same after that, maybe they could give you a bit of a "safety net" e.g. when you start feeling..........(whatever they think) you could increase your meds to...........for that period, maybe they'll give you some extra/different meds for a "top up" if you're feeling..............or even a plan of action if you're feeling..............worth discussing???
Real good that you've tried helplines when you've felt you needed to though. I know it can get really hard so just don't forget you deserve all the support you need that's out there!! ALL of it!!!
And you know we're here for you too!!!

Alison