[Notoriousglo]

Last night I had some bad dreams... one was my mother asking me if I was going to rely on her for the rest of my l Iife in a nasty, mocking way. I sort of remember being about to point out that she caused my suffering yet seems to punish me for it. One time when I called her cause of an anxiety attack, she got angry and asked why her 28 yr old daughter was calling asking for help. She has said before she would disown me if I wasn't trying. Most recently I feel unhappy because she eats out at expensive places but wouldn't give me money recently when I needed food... she just ignored my text but then she will ask me to do things for her. I haven't gotten my life together cause I really don't get out of bed or have friends. She insults me behind my back and everyone thinks I have been bad to her...but I don't talk so that's not really practical. I just feel terrible about myself today and want the repeated memories to leave. How am I supposed to no not experience the pain and be strong like everyone says?

[glok]

Hello, euphy. Is professional help an option?

If not, see if you might get some help here:

Ask the Therapist

I wish you well.

[Disorder7]

I agree with Glok.

And I don't think you're going to like my answer. On one hand your mother shouldn't be emotionally or verbally harsh with you. Ever.
On the other hand, you are too old to be asking your mom for money and it doesn't matter where she goes to eat. It's her money.

By the time I was 27, I had bought my mother a house and was very much taking care of her. She was an alcoholic and had a host of mental problems, including panic disorder. Someone had to take care of her, and that someone was me.

Your mom has done her part raising you. She owes you mutual respect but that's it. In the end, you will have to be responsible for yourself. There's really no gentle way of saying it.

[Notoriousglo]

As much as I appreciate your blunt response... you don't have any right determining my capabilities. Age has nothing to do with my situation. You don't know my past and since she is responsible for ruining my life, I don't feel like she had a right to abandon me. I didn't come here looking for judgment calls. You can have your opinion but it's related to your own beliefs and I don't share it.

[Notoriousglo]

I guess it's alright that your loser mother deserves help, right but I don't? I guess you think you are something special because you are doing the holier than thou thing? I hate people like you.

[Notoriousglo]

So I guess everyone (not you, glok) is going to avoid responding to my post or giving me any help? I go through the forums and see other similar posts of people my same age and they got support, but my post gets ignored...especially after I spent time going through the forums and trying to help other people over the few weeks I have been here? This makes me incredibly angry, hurt, and wondering why people are so ****ing heartless. Thanks a lot for (94) people reading my post and not bothering to ****ing respond. I appreciate the help.

[Clara22]

Hi Euphy,
I am not sure I understand how you feel. My relationship with my parents was complicated, as well. Certainly, I do not have children so I do not know how being a mother is. But I know what being a daughter is. And it can be very painful and complicated. There is a basic thing clear to me: I did not ask to be born. In that regard, there is a certain asymmetry that determines a kind of indelible link parents-child that cannot be avoided, and, in general, parents are obliged to their children (we can discuss the extent and if there should be reciprocity or not later). I mean, a parent cannot disown a child of her/his, whatever that means.
But I think a child can chose to erase the link to his/her parents, if this link is damaging him/her.
Are you in the position of cutting ties to your mom, as she is a toxic person? Sorry if my question is silly

[hannabee]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know it hurts, I've felt that way myself. My mother is dead and you know what, GOOD! If you feel like she is abusive and has ruined your life, she PROBABLY HAS!!!! I don't how you get over it, I'm 60 and really, I'll never forgive her, NEVER.
I have raised two daughters and they are the light of my life, something my mother could never have thought. So the good news here is that I KNEW I wasn't going to be a mother like her and I wasn't. Oh, and I was almost 29 when I had my first one. You have a long life ahead of you, you really do. If you can get some help with your mother issue, it may help, or it may not. You just need to realize this is YOUR life now and you have to find a way to live it happily and for yourself. Living in the past just doesn't help or change anything.
Oh and please don't be too hard on the people who didn't respond, most of the time I really don't know what to say to people. I know others must feel that way too.
Big hug and take care of yourself.

[Notoriousglo]

Hi Clara,
Thank you for responding. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you have. **Hugs**. I guess you're correct there will always be the genetic/blood "link," or whatever a good term for it may be. I think a parent can "disown" you by cutting you off...you know, refusing to talk to you anymore or not consider you her/his child anymore. The implication is abandonment. What hurt so much about that particular comment is that a few years later she got on medication for anxiety and depression and asked me for help doing so after putting me down for needing help for so long and mocking my sadness. I had an abusive father who I stopped talking to years ago due to severe emotional affects I would get after being in his presence for any amount of time.
My problem I guess is I have applied for disability and got denied and am trying the process again (which is hard for me b/c getting denied made me feel very undeserving)...but I struggle financially. My mother is the only person besides my boyfriend I can ask for help. I have not been able to hold a job or a relationship for any sustained period of time. I had to move home a few years ago, b/c I couldn't afford to stay where I was anymore and when I did, my mother verbally attacked me on a daily basis, would not give me food, froze and heated me out of the house. My pain is high. I had a lot of trouble dealing with these conditions. She would bring my grandfather around the house and I would have panic attacks around him, yet she did not care. When my brother came home, she showered him with food and affection while she basically ignored any need I had.
I don't know why people can't understand my feelings...I guess I'm really horrible at explaining myself. The pain of rejection from my parents is horrible and I feel it on a daily basis and the memories repeatedly return even though I wish the thoughts to stop. I do take medications and go to therapy...but I don't socialize much (here) I guess and I feel too weak to shower or do anything. One therapist asked me why I care what my mother thinks, but I felt like that was saying why do I breathe? I don't know, if I had a child...I would never abandon them...it is a lifetime commitment. I don't know, I feel like I will spend the rest of my life looking for answers or a way to feel like I deserve even one good thing. Thanks, again.

[Notoriousglo]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know it hurts, I've felt that way myself. My mother is dead and you know what, GOOD! If you feel like she is abusive and has ruined your life, she PROBABLY HAS!!!! I don't how you get over it, I'm 60 and really, I'll never forgive her, NEVER.
I have raised two daughters and they are the light of my life, something my mother could never have thought. So the good news here is that I KNEW I wasn't going to be a mother like her and I wasn't. Oh, and I was almost 29 when I had my first one. You have a long life ahead of you, you really do. If you can get some help with your mother issue, it may help, or it may not. You just need to realize this is YOUR life now and you have to find a way to live it happily and for yourself. Living in the past just doesn't help or change anything.
Oh and please don't be too hard on the people who didn't respond, most of the time I really don't know what to say to people. I know others must feel that way too.
Big hug and take care of yourself.

You're right, Hanna, I shouldn't be hard on anyone...I just am still learning how not to react to things that feel like criticisms. Thank you for responding, you made me feel a lot happier.

[Clara22]

Wow, Euphy. Your mom has a lot of issues. Financial dependency on her is killing you. I think I could survive under condition like yours only if i knew that this is temporary and there is an exit strategy. Getting disability would be a good solution. I am not sure how far you are from Baltimore, but maybe the Maryland Disability Law Center could help to get your case this time.- Maryland Disability Law Center

[Clara22]

here they say the help people to get benefits Services and Programs - Maryland Disability Law Center

[TheDeepGreenSea]

I'm 29, and I am afraid I will be stuck at home with my parents soon. It's felt like an inevitability for 5-6 years now. From where I was and have been this is such a fall so I understand how terrible that can feel. I understand that internal feeling of being a disappointment or a burden My parents get frustrated with me sometimes and feed me advice that doesn't really help or is sometimes counterproductive instead of understanding where I am. I know they're trying to help, but it still creates a kind of conflict.

My father never forgave his mother for a lot of things so wounds can cut very deep.

I'm not sure you can be strong all the time nor can you force yourself to block out or not react to pain. Maybe there's a way to accept it and feel it without dwelling on it and trying to remove it or "think it out." I have a huge problem with that last one, stuff just consumes me as I try to solve it. I don't know, I'm not really there yet and still struggling with my own issues. I get some moments of reflection and clarity but not enough. If you find a way there before I do - let me know how

You're here and you're talking about it which is good so try to find some hope in there somewhere. The disability advice is good. Keep us updated, don't feel like you're totally alone.