[ak482]

I've been dealing with depression, caused in large part because of my lack of love and sex (I'm a 32 year old virgin male). Since I've been seeing my sex therapist, I've been feeling pretty good about myself. Today at work, I started feeling depressed and having the feelings that I'm never meant to have love or sex. While I've had those feelings, today, I had absolutely nothing to trigger them. I'm just so frustrated with myself now

[CANDC]

Intimacy, being able to be with someone can be a precursor to physical intimacy. Finding someone you are comfortable hugging can be a really good step toward a relationship. Finding someone you can freely talk to is a wonderful development.
But before being comfortable with other people being comfortable with ourselves can be a good 1st step. Meditation and yoga help us get comfortable with ourselves and our body.
Being a friend to an old person can be an opening experience where giving becomes more important than receiving.
Does any of this hit a harmonic chord in you?

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ak482

I started feeling depressed...absolutely nothing to trigger them.

This has happened to me (and others, I suspect). Personally, I can't tell if there's no trigger at all or whatever trigger exists is unfelt or sensed.

Depression is just that kind of illness. Even as a person suffering from epilepsy can have a seizure with no or little warning, those parts of our brains that govern mood can shift suddenly.

[IrisBloom]

Actually despite the emphasis on sex in our society, there is no shame in being a virgin. Look at how much trouble sex has caused in people's lives. The right relationship is worth waiting for, and you are not that old. Think positive about yourself, and don't expect too much when you meet someone. A real solid relationship takes time to develop. If you are awkward talking to women, maybe you can read some self-help books or talk to some friends to get some tips.

[barmum]

ak482 , I have one trigger in the sense that I have SAD so I know that at set times of year I will be low but as for why that then trips over into more serious periods of depression...not a clue , it would be nice if I did because it would be easier to tackle and explain so with you on that one.
As far as the issues of sex and intimacy , there is such a pressure on it now , to look a certain way , to be in relationship with a certain person and well you can't just be having sex , you've gotta be having mind blowing sex every time.. totally ridiculous and as well as making people feel awful it sort of devalues the whole thing anyway.
I don't know if you're religious and I'm certainly not but there was a christian nun called Julian of Norwich who wrote a book called revelations of divine love . There are parts of it that are headache inducing but there are parts of it that have really spoken to me in a general way when I've been feeling very unloved and unlovable so maybe it's worth a look.

[ak482]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Actually despite the emphasis on sex in our society, there is no shame in being a virgin. Look at how much trouble sex has caused in people's lives. The right relationship is worth waiting for, and you are not that old. Think positive about yourself, and don't expect too much when you meet someone. A real solid relationship takes time to develop. If you are awkward talking to women, maybe you can read some self-help books or talk to some friends to get some tips.

That's why I hate myself and feel like garbage. Our puritanical laws in my home state make a quick, easy fix to losing my virginity illegal and impossible. Yet society stigmatizes me as a f----t because I still haven't had sex. I'm overwhelmed and have no one to turn to as to why I can't find success with women

[CANDC]

Having a physical bond without an emotional bond only proves your equipment is working. It can be deflating to find that that amazing physical connection does not have an emotional counter part to it. It can be even a more empty feeling.
Having someone you can talk to or share with can be a comforting experience. In my opinion, virginity is not what makes or breaks a man, but having a compassionate heart and seeking to be helpful to others.
I am not going to start perfect any day. I start right where I am and accept that and just try to get closer to expressing what is bursting to express itself in a positive way.
What forms of creative expression do you like?

[IrisBloom]

I'd be willing to bet that when you meet the right person everything will happen the way it is supposed to. Also, just because you think everyone else is doing it (having sex), they are not necessarily getting laid on a regular basis. In my opinion the right person is worth waiting for and it is risky in several ways to pick up a stranger to have sex with. I think you are probably a really nice decent guy and have a lot of good qualities that some young woman is looking for. You will meet when the time is right. If you think highly enough of yourself, it won't matter what anyone else thinks.

[ak482]

It's like my body is having overwhelming needs to have sex, since I've been so deprived of it my whole life. It's those urges that make me feel even worse about myself and feel like I don't even want to live.

Sorry if it sounds weird.

[CANDC]

sometimes exercise helps express all that energy or it circulates it.
It really isn't weird as long as you recognize it as a state or condition of being and not try to express it in an inappropriate way.

[UpNOut]

Dear AK482,
You found a good sex therapist that's helping you - that's great! To me, that shows you have both determination and ingenuity to deal with your biggest issue.

My triggers for depression are usually my thoughts about events now or past. But often, I can't track them down. I think you're way ahead of some, myself included, if you actually notice you're getting depressed. The sooner we notice, the better we can deal with it.

I've had major depression over 60 years, and I am better now at shortening my episodes. But in the past, I could go for months actually believing that I was hopeless and everything happening was awful. In other words, I interpreted all the dark thoughts as reality - not as my own interpretation of events.

From my experience, I would advise you to keep working with your sex therapist, using every tool you learn. Also, use everything you have at your disposal, to target your depressed hopeless thoughts, or even to distract you from them until you feel like dealing with them. Examples: music, walking in nature, any other exercise you like, trying to see beauty, watching uplifting shows, etc. Whatever works for you.

Thanks, AK482. Sex and love has been a problem issue for me. I'm old enough now to feel OK about not having sex or a partner. This is an issue for many, so thanks for sharing your experience.

[glok]

Hello, ak482. Your obsession with sex and assumed confirmation bias are making your life difficult. Does your therapist know that sometimes you are so down you do not even want to live?

Out of curiosity, do you expect someone to run up to you and ask you to have sex with them? Is sex more important than a relationship? Are you looking for a one night stand? Maybe, friends with benefits? How important is the person who relieves you of your virginity?

I wish you well.

[UpNOut]

This is what we all do - we have a feeling, or a depressed thought, and then we get down on ourselves for the thought or the depression. We get negative feelings about our feelings!

Wow! We are so dang...................human!

[glok]

There are ways to deal with the cognitive distortions and negative self-talk.

[CANDC]

Glok, what do you suggest

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Glok, what do you suggest

CBT cognitive behavior therapy. Proven to be very effective. You can even teach yourself but it is better with a therapist.

[ak482]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, ak482. Your obsession with sex and assumed confirmation bias are making your life difficult. Does your therapist know that sometimes you are so down you do not even want to live?

Out of curiosity, do you expect someone to run up to you and ask you to have sex with them? Is sex more important than a relationship? Are you looking for a one night stand? Maybe, friends with benefits? How important is the person who relieves you of your virginity?

I wish you well.

Ideally I want sex as part of a relationship. Part of my sex therapy has been to realize that having a relationship is the best way to be a good lover and to have sex. However, since I never get feedback as to why I can't get past a first date, I feel lost and alone. And it's those negative feelings that keep kicking in; the feeling that I'm still a little boy and not a man because I haven't had sex. As I've said, it's like my body is physically craving sex