[damajdancer]

Yesterday i went to my therapist and he said that my depression is getting worse, and my med. doc said the same thing. But my friends and my brother say im doing just fine. I want to believe my friends and brother, but something tells me that they are just saying that so i feel better about myself because lately my self esteem has been really low. My therapist has always been real honest with me and noticing these things is like his job so i believe him even though i dont want to. Im so confused.I want to be better but i dont want to do the work to get better. And all the meds just make me jittery, high, or more depressed. I have no idea what to believe or what to do. So I've been turning to si because i feel like nothing else will work. And i have tried to ask myself if i feel depressed or if im getting better, and my mind has been so scattered i cant come up with an answer.

[Pomegranate]

First I would say believe what your gut, not your head, tells you.

Second, I know I am very, very good at masking my feelings to those around me, my family and friends. For some reason I go into automatic pilot when those close to me are around. I smile, I act like like everything is just fine. It's not intentional or thought out at all. I find, even after years and years of dealing with depression that I am reluctant, almost incapable, of letting those close to me know just how bad I'm feeling. I think it's because I have never felt accepted or understood by those closest to me. They would say things that deeply hurt me, or simply made me aware of how much they did not understand my situation, my feelings, what I was going through.

So instead I've always just pretended that everything is fine. I'm so good at it that it takes a conscious effort on my part to let one or two people really close to me in on the fact that I am going through a period of bad depression. Unless I stop myself and really take the time to be honest with someone around me, my automatic response is to smile and joke and pretend everything is fine. I do not have to think about it at all. On the contrary, I have to stop, and think, and take time, to let someone around me know just how bad I feel. Most often it has been a therapist or someone not as close to me as my husband or very close friend or family member.

I'm still working at learning how to let those people in on just how bad I'm feeling at times. I guess it's a trust issue. I don't trust those around me to either not freak out and hospitalize me, or conversely, tell me to "just snap out of it and quit feeling sorry for myself."

So I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you are like me? You aren't even very aware of how you fool those closest to you. You don't want them to worry, and you don't want them to hurt you by saying stupid things to you. It's easier for you to be honest with a therapist or someone you are not as intimate with. It feels less threatening.

Anyway, I hope you start feeling better soon. You will sooner or later. Don't forget that.

[Calm]

Damajdancer, your therapist and pdoc are trained in recognizing the symptoms of depression. Do your friends or family members know what signs to watch out for? You stated how confused you are feeling and how your self-esteem has slipped. There's a reason why your experiencing this. A discussion with your therapist concerning SI, your thoughts, and feelings about all of this can only help. Let's hope with the help of your therapist, you'll be feeling less confused and will be able move forward in the right direction.

Pomegranate, your post was great. Much of what you said I related to so well.

Well wishes to you both.

[Pomegranate]

Thank you ((Calm)). Years ago I thought I was the only one who acted and felt the way I did. Getting older does have some benefits, . For a long time it just made me feel crazier when I acted the way I did, I had no understanding of myself or others. Now I know there are so many of us who deal with depression and other problems that in fact have so much in common. I wish they had the internet and all this information available 25 years ago. Sigh.

[damajdancer]

Thank you (((((Calm))))) and ((((((Pomegranate)))))))
I was kind of leaning towards my therapist and med doctor. Because like Calm said they are trained to recognize these things, and my friends and brother have no clue what to look for, they just know how i was before all this started to set in, and that was about 5 years ago. Pomegranate, i never really relized it, but i do act like everything is fine when im around the people who are close to me. And i dont mean to, thanx for pointing that out!
Well, i see my therapist again on monday, and im going to talk to him about my confusion, si, and self esteem. It's been hard for me to talk about me with him. I think its because i blame myself for alot of things but i will try to get some help on all this from him...that is what he's for anyways, right?!
Thanx you guys!
-Megan-

[Calm]

damajdancer, I hope your session with your therapist will help you feel better. Maybe taking a list with you of what is causing you the most distress could be helpful. It's helped me many times.

Take gentle care,
Calm