Is there a way out of depression? I think not..

My T had one of those endless conversations today - "the one that goes nowhere"

I was trying to tell him that the life that I thought that I would have - I'm not going to - due to my physical problems, mental health and the fact that my 22 year old son has pretty much cut me out of his life due to my ED. That I was OK with that but had not found anything that brought any meaning to my life. That I just pray to God to take me soon.

I'm not sure what to try,,, what steps do I take to find some meaning?

I tried church - wayyyy to much anxiety, same with small groups, knitting and such are out due to physical problems,

so what do you do??? could you please let me know?

Oh my. I have found a way out of the depression of having a child, my only child, cut me out of her life.

That's not to say that I still don't have times when something smacks me in the gut and reminds me that she is not in my life and most likely never will be. But I am able to get over the depression. I am able to find meaning in my life even though my only child does not want anything to do with me.

It's like any loss. Like a death really. (Sometimes when I am in certain situations, temporary, passing relationships, I even tell people that I "lost" a child. That's what it feels like.) But like those who have lost a child to death, I find that while the pain is never far away or something I can "get over" or find "closer" on, I can go one with my life.

The first year or more was horrible. All I wanted to do was die also. Eventually I did start feeling better. Slowly. Very slowly. But now I find that I get over the bad times and depression that hits. I know holidays and birthdays are going to be hard and I just accept my depression and bad feelings then as natural and okay. I accept whatever I'm feeling and don't tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. I also remind myself that my feelings do pass eventually and I will feel okay again.

Life is not how I want it. But it is enjoyable and enough to keep me alive if I work at it. I hope you hang in there and find some peace and contentment. The pain of losing a child never goes away or become okay. But I have learned to live with it and find good in my life, and enjoy my life inspite of the loss of my only child. It's not easy.

(((((Freewill))))) I understand what you are saying about church. I sit in church and my hands become sweaty, I notice my breathing, I feel like I will throw up....it is uncomfortable. Did you try a church that is large? Maybe a smaller church might be better or maybe an evening service might be better where there is less people. Just a thought.

How about volunteering somewhere? Maybe a soup kitchen, hospital, library....something where you can give even an hour of your time. That might be an option.

I am not sure about your status of physical health but maybe an herb garden in your house? I tend to put myself into quilting...I like to sew. Is that an option for you? How about going to the local library or bookstore for an hour or so and look at books? You could travel and never leave the area!! It is quiet there and everyone keeps to themselves.

I wish I had more ideas or help for you Freewill. I so enjoyed our talk the other night and look forward to chatting with you more.

Just remember people here care about you!
Snow