i don't know whats going on

I truly don't know what going on right now wednesday and thursday were great i was feeling good. but last night i don't know what happened i had a complete break down. i know it probably has alot with i was trying to keep myself in that happy mood i ended up taking some caffine pills and later that night i drank. and after that it was down hill. I guess everything is catching up with me. and i hate it i wish it would all go away. I felt so bad about my self last night i just wanted it all to end. i was at my friends house until about 1 its this guys house; a guy that i have fallen in love with but i know that i can't have him. so after i left driving back to school thats when i started breaking down. I kept think that i was nothing that nobody cared about me or anything i didnt care about me or anything. well when i got back to the dorms i knew i couldn't be in my room alone (i have no roomate) So i went to a friends room and just sat. She tried to make me talk but i really couldn't i thought she was too preoccupied with her life and she doesn't need any of my baggage to go along with hers. Eventually we went for a walk at 130 in the morning. and then i finally broke down. i told her i was scared scared of who i was and who i was becoming. scared that i might be alone for the rest of my life. scared of what i do to myself. i got so emotional and i feel so stupid for being so emotional to her. i don't like to cry in front of people. We went back to her room around 2 and then i left to go to bed but i didn't. i believe she knew i wasn't going to go to sleep but i don't think she really cared about me it was just a way for her to get her problems out as well and i was not stable enough to take care of her as well.... so i went back to my room tried to sleep, but i didn't go to sleep until about 430 this morning. all i could think of hurting myself; what i could do to make it end. I ended up crying my self to sleep crying for about an hour and then hating myself for bringing down all these emotions. I have no idea whats going on. I wish it would stop though because right now at this moment i hate everything. I have to go home this weekend and i know im going to break down there and mom will be all worried but i know she won't think it has anything to do with me she will blame all of my friends. my friends who are depressed and SI and have BP. but its not them that are causing it its me and i don't know how to stop it. well this is a really long post but there is nobody else who i can go to and talk and nobody who understands what i am going through. Thanks for listening, im sorry for everything. maybe one day it will all end
andrea

you have to be careful with certain things like caffeine pills, and especailly alcohol, thats the last thing you do when you are depressed, same with smoking up ect, that will just throw you downward and you will become more depressed.

I am sorry that you are having a rough time, you say that no one cares about you? it seems like you friend does, and sometimes 1 is all you need.

Try and think postive, you are in a rut yes, I was there a little while ago and it was not fun, but you will get out of it..... Try writing, with me writing purges me of all the negative feelings I have.

Actually my psychiatrist told me to write something happy and postive even if I didn't feel it, it worked.. I Deal with depression daily, since I've got clinical depression, along with anxiety/panic, SAD's and reminants of PTSD.. so I know how you feel.

The days will get better, the best thing to do also when your bummed out is exercise get those endorphines going, you will feel brand new....

Take care.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I'm so sorry to hear about your bad night and its ok to feel that way. I have a mom when I come ot her crying she says I'm being childish but there is nothing wrong the emitions. You know it's wierd I have lots of my break downs at night too. I'm not really good at advice but I am worried about you and if you just want to talk I'm here for you as well as everyone here.

Sonia,

after reading what you had wrote, i couldn't put my feelings into any better of words than you stated...i just hate how it starts out as one little, insignificant incident, and somehow it seems to snowball itself into this whole huge thing. i aslo don't like other to see me cry...not even my parents, and i give you a lot of credit of going to your friend for help, because i really don't think that i could have done it. i just try to keep it all to myself as best as i can and try to act like everything is fine and dandy in my life...i'm just so afraid of what people will think and say about me if they find out about whatever...i hope that things are going better for you now that some time has passed. try not to hurt yourself, as much as you may want to, and that urge is so strong, try to fight it. i tried it a few times, and my bf got so upset...it killed me to see what that did to him. and although the guy your interested isn't available, that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there who you mean the world to. take care of yourself and i hope to talk to you soon! :-) *lots of love*

tammy

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I'll stop missing you." ~Anonymous