[LookingForMe]

I was diagnosed with severe depression a couple of months ago although I think I was probably suffering from depression for a good year or so before I actually went to the doctor. It just got to the point that I couldn't stop crying. Now I'm taking Celexa and Remeron (had already been taking Topomax for nerve damage in my leg) and I'm back to functioning like I always have. Or so it seems to most who think they know me.

Honestly though I'm just a very good actress, I think. I go to work. I smile and make nice....and can't wait until I can get home to be alone again. Its all such a very great effort having to speak to people. Even smiling at strangers is an effort. It never used to be. My doctor asked me if it makes me anxious or if I feel panicky around people and I don't...its not that. It's just an effort. Everything is such a great effort.

I'm at this point that I do what I do because it is necessary. I used to take pleasure in preparing meals and the taste of food. Now I rarely cook and eat only because it is nessesary.

I took joy in many simple things and find myself searching for that feeling now in vain. I look at the new pink blossoms of the plum trees outside my house and as beautiful as they are...they don't bring me the joy they once did. Nothing does. Trying so hard to feel it and not being able to makes me sadder.

For many years, I told people that how one felt was a choice one made. You felt how you wanted to feel. If you chose to be miserable, you would be. Same with happiness. I know now that I was wrong. You don't always have that choice.

This depression too, as awful as it is, has also become comfortable in some ways. I know that's not healthy. And I'm not sure if I can explain it quite right but I feel as if I can hide myself away in it. And isn't that silly? I don't have anything to hide from.

What is worse is is that I don't even have any reason to be depressed at this stage of my life. I had lots of great reasons at other times in my life but now things are looking up. Life is good. The future is bright and all that jazz. So why?? Why now??

[(JD)]

No,you aren't being silly, and yes, there are reasons for your depression. Maybe you don't realize them right now, but depression doesn't happen for "no reason". You just can't see them maybe?

Sometimes, after the emergency of a life situtation is over, ppl crash. They are good during the situation, but once they aren't needed to be top notch, it begins to cave in on them. Are you like that?

Or perhaps you might, inside, feel like you don't deserve all this good life happening?

Is depression a side effect of topamax or one of the other meds? Don't put off discussing and medicating for this depression, the sooner you catch it, the sooner you should be able to feel better.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[LookingForMe]

This depression has felt a bit like I'm caving in on myself in a way. And that would kind of make sense. I've had a great number of very unusual crisis' over the years. Most of them are so long ago. Some of them are like aftershocks or after effects. Hard to explain.

My son was molested by my ex when he was 7. My ex then committed suicide. My son, of course, blamed himself for this. This was 17 years ago and my son still has issues. I can't help him anymore. I feel like I failed.

And that's only one thing. There are so many more. Have another son, 19, who quit school. He is working and living on his own..trying to support his 17 year old girlfriend...who has no where to live. I feel like I failed there too.

Two years ago I had back surgery. It was a tough time before the surgery...couldn't walk. Was on high doses of morphine and many other medications. So I was off work for a long time. I'm back to work now.

My husband commutes. He works away from home for 5 days and then he is home the next five. He has been doing this for about 2 and a half years. He's finding it very hard.

We will be moving. In the process of building a house close to where he works. Lots of decisions and I'm having difficulty with this. I wouldn't normally.

My husband is a good man but I can't talk about this depression with him. After having to deal with the stuff with my back, it would just be too much. Its not that he doesn't know about it..he does but when he is home, I just tell him the pills are working and put on the smile and wait for him to hurry up and go again so I can be alone.

[(JD)]

Looks to me like there are plenty of reasons for being depressed. I understand your not wishing to burden your husband with your issues but that's what marriage is.... and he seems like he might be willing to help you work through this. He certainly has time to go to therapy with you from time to time.

Can you find a new psychologist to talk with in the new area? Also, if the medication isn't helping yet, then you shouldn't say it is. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but since you already have a suicide in your past familial history, you might have the same tendencies to keep too much inside? Share. Ask for help. Discuss your concerns. Allow others to try and help. Some answers might be easy.

If you move for the spouse, what does that do for you and your work?

Yes, lots of decisions... but remember to take care of YOU first.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[LookingForMe]

When I word it like I did it would seem like those would be good reasons for being depressed but most of those things are done and unchangeable. I understand this and think I've accepted that. I try not to think about it most of the time.

My husband isn't the kind of person who is comfortable talking about this. He thinks if I just keep busy, I'll be fine. Its so hard for him to relate to. I seem perfectly fine to him. I'm functioning..doing things so he doesn't understand how I can also be depressed. Do you see what I'm saying? I can be depressed without actually looking like I'm wallowing in despair. And there is no way that he would go to therapy with me. Its just something he wouldn't do.

The medication is helping. Its helping me function. Its helping me sleep. It must be .. a month ago I was a wreck. I know this whole thing will take time. I'm still trying to figure it all out. Wondering if I will find my old self again or if a new self will emerge when this is over ...assuming there will be an end to this depression. My doctor believes there will be. I've never gone through this before and he said it would be very unlikely that I will go through another. I'm in my mid-40's.

You don't sound insensitive at all. I'm not suicidal ..I couldn't imagine hurting other people that way.

I'm not concerned about leaving my job.

The greatest fear I have is the comfort zone I have with this depression. I don't even know if anyone can relate to that. I feel like I could become a complete hermit. I don't call anyone on the phone. I avoid people as much as possible. I don't go out if I can help it. Its not out of fear or anxiety...its out of pure desire to be left alone. I never used to be that way. I was very social. That is what scares me the most.

[LookingForMe]

Re-read my post and it comes off sounding so cold and off-putting. I'm sorry.

Thank you for responding to my posts. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'm not seeing any kind of therapist..just my family doctor at the moment and I have so many thoughts piling up that I just don't know what to do with.

Thank you.

[emily_post2010]

It sounds like you just had a big emotional cave-in and that it is going to take a long time to recover. It will take your patience. If you are afraid of remaining in a comfort zone, the comfort zone may be there because you need so much to take care of yourself right now. This withdrawing inward is because you may not have much emotional to give until you have recuperated more emotionally. You need to let others know you need to build your reserves back up again. I think that's a good reason to tell your husband more about this. Maybe he can do something for you. I know you need to recuperate mostly on your own, but he might relieve a little stress if he knows you are so emotionally burned out.

Take care of yourself.

[LookingForMe]

I never looked at it this way. I never thought about it as recuperating emotionally. I know that my emotions are not working as they should be. Positive emotions are dulled and negative ones are exaggerated. Its not as bad now with the medication. It just sort of lurks under the surface of things.

I am trying to take care of myself. Everyone keeps telling me to be keep being busy...put makeup on..go out and walk...yada, yada. I do these things. I do all these things. But being busy doesn't make me feel any better.

My husband knows all about the past. To him, the past is the past and you move on. You don't use it as an excuse. I'm making him sound like an ogre, I'm sure and he's not ....he's just not all that emotionally supportive. He is supportive in other ways. He has a lot of great qualities but I know I am alone with this.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I was on celexa, didn't do anything good for me I'm also on Remeron and find it is working wonders, you? How long have you been on it?

Sometimes it's hard to pin point exactly what the cause for depression it, the littlest thing can trigger it and sometimes I often wonder what the cause is .. but if I dig deep I can usually come up with the answer...

I hope you are doing better today, take care of yourself.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[LookingForMe]

I've been taking the Remeron for about 3 weeks now to help me sleep. I wasn't sleeping much before that. The combination of that and the Celexa (I'm also taking Topamax and Vioxx but for an unrelated problem) seems to be keeping me on an even keel.

There are some things that will be happening that I should be looking forward to...new house, my sister will be moving close to us, leaving my job - these are all things I want. But I just feel this kind of nothingness about it. I feel as if it wouldn't really matter if I just stayed right here in this room and never went out again at all.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I've been on remeron for 6 weeks now, actually a bit more then that. For anxiety/depression and reminates of post traumatic.

I know that feeling, i think you will get excited about moving and starting fresh, it probably didn't kick in is all. There has got to be a reason to why you are so down?

Do you know?

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[LookingForMe]

That's just it. I don't know why I feel this way now. I could understand If this had happened during other really rough times in my life..it would have made more sense. Maybe, a build up of a variety of things. I'm not sure. I thought I was handling things fine, though. I mean, is depression avoidable? Can a person do things a certain way so that they don't get snuck up on by this? I don't know what I could have done differently. I'm sure my back issues played a big role in this but that was unavoidable.

I'm trying to feel things. It just doesn't seem to work and it frustrates me.

I'm analyzing this to death. Trying to figure out why. Why me and why now. Questioning if maybe its all in my head...maybe, I'm imagining it all. Sometimes I think that. Most of the time I know that its true...I'm depressed. I know that. Still coming to terms with that.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Depression is a hard thing to figure out, do you have a therapist, on any medication ect? Has the weather changed, that could all be a factor.

Anything change in your life recently?

Did something happen even if you think it's minor to throw you off course?

Stuff like that, sometimes you really have to dig to find an answer, i think by anaylizing it all the time, you are just digging yourself a different hole...Your answers might not come up right now, but they'll surface when they are ready, does that make sense?

I think someone CAN TRY to avoid getting depressed by keeping busy and keeping your mind on different things...

I don't know it's hard to come up with answers, ya know? I've been there so I know how you feel, it will subside though....Try writing stuff down, write something postive even if you yourself don't believe it, it'll help..

Take care

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[(JD)]

NP I understand. The doctor giving you the medications has to be the one to talk to, since he/she has not referred you to a clinic or counselor. So there should be someone to talk with.

Depression draws us in, and downward... as you would know I know if you had been here longer and read my posts... or go back to them. (But I don't expect this as I know how depression makes it difficult to read and concentrate!)

Did you say what meds you are on? perhaps they need to be increased for the time being.

Also, you might put a bug in your spouse's ear that once you get moved (and he thinks the stress is over) that if you can't begin to feel better, then you will want to talk to a professional about it. (Use your own words.) This way, he is forewarned and it will be easier for you to broach the subject then.

I am sorry that your spouse appears to not want any doings with therapy... not a good sign. That makes it like it is all your problem. I don't think so.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[LookingForMe]

I was seeing my family doctor once a week and he did increase the Celexa and add Remeron at different intervals. During one of the visits, he said that there were also other avenues we could look at and mentioned that that some people are hospitalized. I told him that that is not an option for me. His mention of this scared me badly.

The following week when I saw him I told him that the medication seemed to be working. And I do think it was but possibly not as much as I led him to believe at the time. I do have control over the crying now.

We will be moving in July. Maybe, by then, I will have found some way to ask for the kind of support I need from my husband. All I really want from him are words. He tells me actions speak louder than words. His actions do show me that he loves me but his words seem contradictory. He seems to note all the negative things about me and is so very stingy with compliments of any kind yet he will do anything for me. He rubs my feet when they are sore, he brings me coffee, so many little things he does shows me that he loves me.

But I just need so badly to know what it is he loves about me because I'm finding so little to love about myself.

But I've asked and he doesn't know what to say to me. He says he is trying to be supportive by giving me advice - "Do housework. Go for a walk. Be busy." He wouldn't be comfortable talking about this. In his view, talking about it wouldn't solve anything. I'm pretty sure he does think this is my problem as I've reassured him from the beginning that this wasn't about him.

No one would ever suspect I was depressed. Outwardly, I am the same just a little quieter. I do feel confused a lot of the time. Thoughts seem to get away from me.

It frustrates me that I have so many things that I want to be doing and I should be thinking about on one hand and yet on the other hand I force myself to do them and think about them. How can I both want to do those things and not want to do them at the same time?

Edited to say: I cannot believe how long it took me to write this all down.

[texdave]

Thanks for sharing that. I once told a therapist I had no reason to be depressed, and after some talking realized there was a whole lot going on that I just wanted to ignore, to go away. It sounds like you have a lot going on too. It's ok, you're not superwoman, and you don't have to do it all by yourself. Maybe you've failed at some things, maybe not, but you are not a failure. We sometimes expect perfection from ourselves, expect ourselves to be stronger than any circumstances. It's a surefire way to be dissappointed. I didn't think I had time to grieve over anything, didn't want to feel the pain, but it inevitably happens in one form or another. Maybe talking to a professional about some of these things can help you. At any rate, glad you're here and talking to us.

[texdave]

I'm not so sure if depression requires a cause. I can relate to just about all the feelings you're having, having had them at one time or another. Folks who haven't experienced true depression have a really hard time understanding how to deal with it. I'm sure your husband is not an ogre, just a victim of John Wayne syndrome that many of us males have been party to. We are not trained by society to be emotionally literate. I think a good psychiatrist could help you. If your husband doesn't want to go, maybe you can just go for yourself. I have a brother who is much like your husband. Until he had a bone crushing event and had to seek help himself, he could not relate. And he still would not go to a therapist, but he had a friend who was a psychologist and talked to her some. Regardless, it's not a moral failing, it's a disease and it can be treated. There is no shame in asking for help.

[emily_post2010]

I see where you're husband is coming from. Keeping busy is okay. Keeping busy to the point of burnout or ignoring the emotional things is not okay. You do need time to yourself or time just remembering to do things you might enjoy or that you know fuel and inspire you. Doing things is fine. I think maybe learning what it is you do to feel better--things like journal writing, relaxing, listening to music, exercising, hobbies, cognitive therapy. Learning to do these things and explaining them to your husband, especially if cognitive therapy should help, would be valuable to your husband. First, you've got to figure out for yourself which of these things work. Plus, I think he may need a little counseling himself to explain to him that you need extra verbal stroking. Either that or a book, or something on cognitive therapy or positive thinking or affirmations, or how we need about five or ten or possibly a lot more positive things said to balance out any one negative thing said. If you can find something on the power of positive and loving talk for balancing out talk that is negative, that would be great to show to your husband. This is true for children, and it's true for adults.

If there is negative talk, it must be balanced with positive talk.

I hope you get to work trying to feel better. It is true that depression can seem out of proportion to any one grief or any combination of griefs, but sometimes the brain chemistry runs out and then you get negative emotional reactions. So, it just happens. Stress, a delicate brain chemistry to begin with. Then you figure out what makes it better.

I wish you luck in learning what makes you feel better.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

lookingforme

I have the same problem with my boyfriend, we don't talk about it, he doesn't know what to say. I too need comforting words at times, it's hard when things aren't said, and you know if it was said that you'd feel alot better. I often try to remind my man to try and talk, we have not alot of communication going around, he too uses actions, sometimes actions do speak louder then words but when you're dealing with depression or anxiety for that matter (because that's me) then you need that comfort.

I think the move will do you good, you may not think it will right now because you are in a rut, but it might surprise you, a fresh slate, that's always good. My depression is away for now, but I know it can creep up at any moment and that bothers me, since that is the thing that I am always working on right now...I want a new slate, but I can't do that living at home, that is why I'm trying to find a job where my boyfriend bought his house, which is only like 10mins away from here by car, and I don't drive so that is an issue as well, I cannot just take off somewhere when I need to, walks don't always do it for me. But it is key to exercise when you suffer from depression it gets your endorphines going, I know it makes me feel better if I did the workout on the elliptical, so your hubby might be right when he tells you to go for a walk, it likely will help you, it's just going out the door is the hard part.

I know where you are coming from, your hubby sounds like my guy...

Take care, and do try to keep busy even though that's hard to do, at least that will get your mind off things even if it's only for an hour.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[(JD)]

I think that you experience both ways of thinking stems directly from the depression. It may be that as you try to accomplish the things you need or want to, and you are unable due to life circumstances or the general depressed mood, you become frustrated and more depressed. It is a vicious cycle.

July? By July, if you work on getting the medication better balanced, you might be much better. I wouldn't put off helping yourself till then. In fact, if this depression really is caused by all that is going on, some talk therapy and medication could help it lift within 3-6 months. Talking with your primary might be all you need.... coming here and posting will probably help too... if it doesn't just unearth more of your frustrations without helping you find your answers.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[LookingForMe]

So many responses. Thank you. It means a lot that complete strangers would take the time to bother. How do you do it? I can barely manage to help myself let alone help anyone else and yet you all, struggling with your own issues, are also trying to help me.

texdave ...Thank you for saying I'm not a failure. I wish I could say it to myself. I've never thought of myself as superwoman or a perfectionist..quite the opposite in fact though I did believe I was strong emotionally. A long time ago, I stopped allowing things to hurt me...and almost nothing could make me cry. I'm not so sure that there is an actual cause for me to be depressed .... it might be a variety of things ...it might just be a pre-menopausal thing. Maybe a bit of both.

I think you are right on the money that people who haven't experienced this have a hard time understanding it. I had no idea before ..none whatsoever. I thought I did. I thought I could understand. But there just is no way to unless you've been here. I now understand why depression is referred to as the 'black dog'. It just shows up on your doorstep one day.

I know that its a disease. But others treat it as a failing... a personal weakness. No matter how much I said, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid I just can't stop crying right now." no one understood that I really couldn't. And they couldn't understand that I didn't know why I was crying.

emily_post - I do try to write in a journal but my normally good handwriting seems to have become not so good. I am misspelling so many words...it embarrasses me. English was one thing I was good at and now it seems even that I'm becoming a failure at too. I'm afraid to attempt the things I thought I was good at. I don't know if I'm good at them anymore. I don't know if being depressed is the cause or if I just was not so good to begin with. Maybe, I'm just having a particularily bad day today. I used to paint. I sold my artwork parttime. I even thought I might do it for a living eventually. Now I can't even pick up a paintbrush.

I think hearing some positive words from my husband would help a great deal but I haven't much hope in that happening. This is something that has been discussed throughout our relationship for years (when I wasn't depressed). We'll discuss it again but I find it harder now to do that in this frame of mind. Discussion is an effort like everything else these days.

sundance - I think the move will be good too. I'm ready to leave my job - lots of stress there. I do keep busy..I walk and do housework. I go to work. I do the things that need to be done. I think its the things that I used to love to do that I'm afraid to do. The things that gave me joy ..I don't get any joy from them now. Its hard to explain. I feel like I can't do them anymore. I've lost something. Its, like, I'm too sad or something to do them. I don't really know what I mean.

SkyBdark - That's it. Its some kind of weird cycle. Its like the painting thing. I want to do it but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't even go into that room. And I get even more depressed because I do actually want to paint. But its just such an effort to have to pick up a brush. And then I'd have to make other decisions. Its all just too much to think about.

I do think I just need some time. I go to my doctor again in a month. Will see how I'm feeling then.

[texdave]

There are those who treat it as weakness, and they are dead wrong. But there are a lot of us who know better. Very many of us. Early on I learned to pick my battles. I also learned who I felt safe with, and where. By trying to help others by sharing my experience I learned more about myself and how to deal with my depression. I can be much more open about it now, but still keep certain boundaries. I now know it's not about my weakness, but about their ignorance. I am not judging them, they simply don't know. Depression can cause confusion, indecision and frustration. Be patient with yourself, it can take some time. It's truly wonderful when you get over the hump. It does require some level of vigilance on a daily basis, but it's not onerous. Be good to yourself. -Dave.