i am filled with rage and sadness and there is NO HOPE

I shouldn't say NO HOPE because then I would truly end it. The fact is I have been struggling my entire life but esp. the last few years since I am old and ugly overnight, and have nothing going for me. I have gross sores on my feet that won't go away, because all doctors are idiots, waste of money asking them for help, I have a problem getting out of bed EVERY SINGLE DAY, because I hate what I see in the mirror, I have no job no money no friends no nothing, and I don't know why I don't end it except there is only one reason: I have to clean my house and I cannot because I obviously have some kind of issue with hoarding or something, because I get so distraught at making decisions of what to keep or throw out or put where that I become more and more screwed up. I have been moving in for THREE YEARS -- yes that's right -- and I cannot live life until I do. Now I have given up ever getting to the point of getting to have a life, as it's far too late. Now I just want to get my affairs in order so that I can THEN end it, far far away because I have been trapped and imprisoned here for twelve years. I lost hope at ever escaping when I was forced to stay by a family member, and now really, I can't. I just want a clean f ----ing house so that I can FINALLY, FINALLY, get to leave for at least a day before I end it. I tried and I tried and I tried and at some point, you just have to say it's done. Why did God have to do this to me? All I ever wanted was to have something go right. I don't deserve this torture. I hate everyone, I hate myself, and I want to get the hell out.

I don't really know why I came here, as I doubt there is anything here for me. I just had to say it so it got said. Certainly no one else will ever know, so at least someone does. I cant stand it anymore. Good bye.

Well you did post here so that means something.

Welcome nadia. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much But there is hope. We are here for you If you have the opportunity, please talk to a psychologist. And also to us. This is a thing that you can do I really really hope that PC will be useful for you, dear.
Big hugs

Hi nadia.
First of all our looks are not important. Ok, yes some people are judgenental, but most people dont care what we look like or dont even notice us because they are two rapped up in them selves.
For the hoarding and low self esteem have you considered seeying a therapist? There are therapists who specifically deal with hoarders and it is recognised now as a mental illness. I hope you can get some help and i hope you find peace.
Also, from what you described you send s lot of time thinking and worrying about the organisation and clutter in your house. So how about removing your self from the house everyday for a slow thirty minute walk.
Lastly you said that your completely alone. Have you though about getting a pet? A small dog would be the best idea as its a good way to meet new people and you would have to leave your house everyday which would give you something else to focus on
Best of luck

Sophie