[Shriveled Muse]

Although I do wish for death, I will not act on it. However, I find it very odd. I want to die, but I don't feel that depressed. Sometimes I even feel fine and still want to die. Compared to the posts that I've seen on this forum, I am not as badly off as most people here. Recently it has gotten worse, but I don't get multiple panic attacks in a day, just a few per week and not that severe either. I am able to get myself out of bed and go to school as I'm supposed to and I have a good stable life and family. There aren't people constantly telling me how worthless I am or anything and yet I still feel this way. Although I have a good situation in life, I still am quite depressed and randomly anxious. I have growing concentration issues and, as most of you are quite familiar, very low self-esteem as well as low energy. I can just barely get by though, I haven't broken down (yet).

Sometimes, I hope that I'm somehow "special" because I'm depressed, anxious and possibly bpd, but I know logically that I'm not... There are many people who are much worse than I....

Even though my situation is not as bad as those who have gone through abuse or trauma, I find myself hoping that my depression and anxiety will get worse so that I'll have enough reason and motivation to act upon my desire for death. A small part of me wants to get better mentally to go and do ... Whatever enjoying life is supposed to be like. Most of me just wants to die but I don't have the feelings to support this thought. Then I feel like an ungrateful person for not appreciating what I have, and then thinking that being such an ungrateful person, I should just go die, and this type of thought just cycles around endlessly. I almost wonder if this wish isn't caused by depression since I'm not feeling as down as I could be (or am I just suppressing all those feelings....?). On a scale of one to ten, if one is my lowest mood and ten is my highest (which is neutral), then I'm usually at a four.

I don't take any medication and I don't have a therapist. If I have time, I might go to the university counseling services for a session or two.

Does anyone else feel this way? It seems like my depression is a result of these suicidal thoughts now.... I just find myself always wishing that an accident will happen that will have me as the "unfortunate" victim of fate wherever I am.

Thank you for reading to this point! I very much appreciate any comments ~

[Terabithia]

I have experienced a lot of those cycling self-destructive thoughts. When depressed, I really beat myself up for having no reason to be depressed, etc.. But then, when I'm out of the depression, I realize that that was the depression talking. What a relief to come out of it and know that it wasn't my fault at all.

I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist, because what you're going through sounds like symptoms that could be helped with medication. I hope you find relief from this depression monster soon (it really is a monster!).

[Abe Froman]

I'm kind of in the same place right now. You're not alone and I'm listening.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I have felt this way before I started treatment - I was watering my garden with a thunderstorm overhead and hoping I would be hit by lightening - not a particualry self-destructive thought given the risk if being hit by lightening in the UK is millions upon millions to one! But it did give me a strange sense of satisfaction - it took me several months to realise this was a very very bad sign indeed and seek help.

[Zippo]

A friend died of cancer recently and I was so envious. I want to die but I'm afraid of how it will affect (effect?) others. I don't want to be the cause of so much sadness so I refrain but oh, if I had cancer no one could blame me and I wouldn't seek treatment. I'd kill myself when the time was right. People dying of natural causes get to have company and support while they die, but those of us who are suicidal have to crawl off to some dark corner and die alone and miserable. Not fair.

[Terabithia]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I have felt this way before I started treatment - I was watering my garden with a thunderstorm overhead and hoping I would be hit by lightening - not a particualry self-destructive thought given the risk if being hit by lightening in the UK is millions upon millions to one! But it did give me a strange sense of satisfaction - it took me several months to realise this was a very very bad sign indeed and seek help.

I took my dog out for a walk with a chain during a lightening storm hoping lightening would strike - didn't know I was not the only one

[IrisBloom]

You don't have to feel way down to be depressed. I look back a year ago from now and realize I was depressed, although not as bad as I ended up a few months ago. I didn't "feel" depressed then, but I know now that I was. If sadness, dark thoughts, wanting to die, lower than normal energy, inability to concentrate, etc. persist, then I'd say you are depressed. If something just doesn't feel right, best to get checked out.

[waterknob1234]

So much of your post mirrors some of my feelings I have had. I had times I wished for death. Then you go thru the guilt thing for feeling depressed because it's easy to look around and see others who are worse off. Depression is a mean monster and it does mess with your mind. I agree it would be helpful to see a psychiatrist and counselor. If possible get all the help you need because life is worth living. Life is also worth living in a sense of peace. Best wishes to you.

[Alter]

I know that feeling, wanting to die, to be free from everything.

You should try too seek therapy tho, good luck.

[ombrétwilight]

You're not alone in this - I think I know what you mean. I also want to die all the time yet some of these times I don't feel like I'm "justified". Often I beat myself up for entertaining these self-destructive thoughts and even welcoming them instead of wanting to become better. It's almost as though I seek depression because it's more familiar than normalcy.

I've come to realise that this is depression speaking, not me. If I recall far enough, I've had pretty ****** growing up years and while I may have been angry, sad and oppressed I've never harboured suicidal thoughts. Deep in my memory I know there is a difference between what I feel when baseline and what I feel when depressed/hypomanic (I'm bipolar). However, the depression overwhelms one's good senses and convinces you that you're making things up, but ultimately "normal" i.e. non-depressed folks don't obsess over suicide like us.

Please see your university counsellor and take care!

[Shriveled Muse]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! Many of your comments are basically extentions of my thoughts. It does a good deal of relief to know that it is somewhat normal to be like this, at least for us. Oftentimes, I wonder what actually being "normal" is like. I just feel either depressed or anxious all the time so I've forgotten...

I will try to find the counsellor next week and see. I would like to get a psych evaluation too if possible to see what is going on in my head. Perhaps it would be easier to deal with if I actually knew.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

On thinking about this, young people are often at sixes and sevens - it is not easy to leave the nest and embark on your own life. I feel you should not be too alarmed, but since it troubles you, speak to someone.