Yesterday I stopped feeling safe

I've had sui thoughts for quite a while, on and off for thirty years and more. I made a couple of serious attempts, but after the second time I've always found a way to stay safe. The thoughts have been around again for three years now but I've always believed that I could stay safe.

At 2.12pm yesterday I made a decision, that to get some temporary relief from the sui thoughts I needed to self harm. I couldn't do it right away as I wasn't alone, but the thought calmed me a lot. The anxiety subsided and I actually felt peaceful for the first time in weeks. As soon as I was alone, I went to the place where I knew there was an implement and got to the point where I was just about to act. I was distracted for a moment but that was enough to stop me. I decided that I would rather tell my doc that I had been close to acting but stopped than to show him the injuries. I see my doc later on this afternoon so I haven't too long to wait.

The other thoughts are back now, worse than ever and really violent too, I normally think about a passive exit but now all the violent options are filling my head. This is a warning that I ignored before. I think all the violent thoughts are to make the normally unacceptable thoughts acceptable, so I choose to OD as it isn't as bad as the stuff I'm thinking about. That's how it went 25 years ago.

Sorry for all of this, the thoughts are constant. I don't think that the risk is imminent, I have a plan but not the means, but I don't feel safe. I'm not confident that help will be available when I see my doctor. To be sure of help I actually need to self harm (stupid I know but that's another story). I have no idea how I'm going to get through this, my anxiety level has just hit the roof thinking that I might not get help. I need some distraction.

I am sorry you are struggling. Would it help to try to get out in public as much as you can--shop, sit on a bench and watch people, etc.?

And on here, play games, respond to items in General Social Chat, etc.?

I hope you feel better soon. Please, please call a hot line or go to the emergency room if things get worse. Okay?

Hope this too should pass and tgat you hang in while it does so. (((((Original)))))
Good luck fending off the thoughts.

Hello The OriginalMe: I would guess you've seen your doc by now. (?) I have also made two serious suicide attempts & I have ongoing suicidal thoughts. I don't think I'm in danger at the present time, although since both of my major attempts were spur-of-the-moment decisions, I feel as though I can never be sure. I just mention this as a way of suggesting I have some idea where you're coming from.

You mentioned you didn't think you'd receive any help from your doc. Did you? Did you share with her / him what's going on with you? I know how difficult this process can be. I have difficulty being honest with my pdoc. I just seem to automatically paste on a smile when I enter his office. Then I proceed to tell him everything's okay, whether it is or not. And my pdoc, for his part, accepts my charade & sends me on my way with instructions to come back again in 3 months. Sometimes I think I'd have to show up with blood soaking my shirt to get anywhere else with him. Then he'd probably tell me to come back in 2 months!

The problem with all of this, TheOriginalMe is, I don't know for how long one can hold up under continuous onslaughts of suicidal ideation. I know you said you don't think you're in immanent danger. But you also said you don't feel safe & your anxiety level has hit the roof. These, it seems to me, are not good signs. So I hope you were surprised when you saw your doc & you really did receive the help you need. But, if not, I hope there is some other way in which you can get help. One can only stand being tortured for so long, even if that torture is coming from within.

This just got ridiculous. My one source of support a Cbt therapist has phoned to say I don't meet the criteria for their service and all they can do is refer me back to the service who referred me in the first place because I don't meet their criteria either.

So now it is just me and my primary care doc.

Panicking and tearful right now. How can the organisations that are supposed to help just drop me?

Another 2 hours until I see my GP, please let there be help.

TheOriginalMe :

I hope the GP can offer something. Can you tell them all you have told us?

I watched Cameron last night and tax cuts tax cuts, 25 billion in budget cuts next parliment but he won't touch NHS. Seems he needs to double NHS or do something. I am in the US but I watch UK politics.

(((((Original))))))

(((((original)))))

Really sorry you're going through such a bad time right now I guess you have seen your GP by now? I sincerely hope they have suggested something to help.... but I know how it is..

Please hang in there, we are all here for you!

Thanks everyone for your support. My GP is making one last appeal to the community mental health team. I should hear in about a week. After that then credit cards and private health care. Hopefully, if I can get a private report then the local services might have to take me on, but if they don't then I'll need a budget of about £12k per annum apparently, that's a decent car. I don't have a card with that limit so the only other option is remortgage. Either way, the costs could bankrupt me.

In April 2015 there are new rules for the NHS with patient rights for mental health. At the moment if I have a physical illness I have the right to consultant led treatment within 18 weeks of referral, mental health just doesn't have the same protection. Even next April the rights won't be comprehensive but it might get me (and others like me) some help.

Anyway, I'm going to keep a low profile for a few days, I need to empty my head. I'll be around on PM or my profile page, just I don't feel up to posting as I've nothing more I can say.

Not really sure what to add as I think you know how much I can relate to the OP Originalme. It seriously sucks that you may have to go private for assessment and treatment... £12k? Bloody hell

My pm is very much open if you want to chat, I wouldn't know how to start that conversation but I'd be more than happy to respond and bounce off thoughts with you.

Best wishes,

TJ

I think it is assuming 2 pdoc appointments per month at £500. I might not need that many, or I might, if my best treatment option is ECT then the bill could be much higher, if my GP is able to prescribe the recommended meds the costs could be lower.