I hate people.

and people hate me.

I'm not really sure if it's even depression. A constant feeling that people dislike me. Giving me weird looks. So I lash out. More and more I lash out. More and more I lose sight of who I once was. No longer a good person. A terrible person even. I guess I feel like if they hate me I may as well give them an actual reason rather than to guess at why they hate me.

Either way, even if I am nice it always ends in disappointment. A very repetitive sequence done over and over.

I have those impressions a lot too, and I just try to occupy myself with my own interests. I live very reclusively but I'm 56 and not looking for anything anymore from anyone. Still, keeping away from people works for me. I wouldn't mind real friends, but I've lost all the ones I had.

Depression can bring all sorts of social problems in its wake. Also, it can be intertwined with other physical and mental issues.

I've read where you were in counseling for a time, but have you had a thorough psych and medical screening that goes beyond the basics?

Well I went to a place a few days ago and they mentioned I was schizoaffective. Though not sure if that was a screening or the thing you're thinking of. They just asked me questions for hours. Took my blood pressure.

I can't make friends. I don't have any friends either. Lost them all.

If they spent hours asking you questions, then that does sound like the kind of psych screening I was imagining. Besides questions, did they give you any tests?

Medially, I would hope you could get a doctor to do a complete blood count (CBC) and have a neurologist screen you as well. In my experience, doctors can get tunnel vision once a psychiatric diagnosis is on the table.

But it's great you were able to talk to the psych folks.
PsychCentral: Schizoaffective Disorder
Mayo Clinic: Schizoaffective Disorder

No uh tests, just questions. I'm not really sure about anything at the moment.

Do you have any hobbies? I feel the same way at times, as if strangers passing me by know everything I've done. I feel like anyone and everyone are judging me. I'm not sure how to fix it, but for 2 weeks I spent my time quilting(insert hobby you like) and it got to the point that I was lonely, and went back to being around people. Sometimes being a hermit isn't so bad, at least while you can get medication adjusted.

Nice meeting you in chat. People are hard for me too...keep your chin up somehow. I don't spend much time dealing with people thank goodness.

I do. I think. Lately it's just video games. Or watching anime. Or both at the same time. Nothing really productive. Sometimes I just go for walks. I've been alone and isolated for awhile, a hermit, for 3-4 years now.

You posted here so that proves you haven't completely given up on people and deep down believe that someone could treat you decently. I am so glad.

Perhaps. I feel like I have to do this though or else I'll go completely insane from isolation. I don't really like to do this even anymore. I don't get any joy from talking to others. Just dread. Agitation.

. Hi, I just joined this forum/site...I hope to find some comfort through others...and I found this thread, particularly what you said matches how I am (more often than not) around others....including my own family. I, too, will reach out when I feel very lonely, though I sometimes go even deeper into my dark cave.

Usually I try to find someone who relates. Some will say they actually can*. I've yet to find someone who understands and actually relates though. I'm ashamed of myself for trying to relate with others. There is nothing to relate with.

I am not human.

I've stopped trying to fool myself. Sure I can say we are alike but it always ends up not being the case. Not to be mean but I am just tired of people saying they relate and understand yet not-

We aren't alike at all.

You won't find comfort from others.

Welcome to the forum

Here are some wise words from the Skeezyks if I am allowed to copy and past his post.

Is it possible that "everyone hates me" might be true in your reality but not true in the reality of others. Just your perception of things and people don't actually hate you???

Possibly for some but I am not so sure. I think most have a general disliking of me.

a good quote

I'm not entirely sure how to respond or if i should respond. I'm not sure if you want me to...but I will try. Can I ask why you feel you are not human?
As for relating, I suspect we all think we understand one another but not one of us experiences identical thoughts, feelings, dark moments or fear of others. We are all different yet I'm sure we can relate.
With regards to finding comfort...who knows...I have never been on such a forum so I have no idea what will give me comfort. I know I am alone in the dark all the time. Comfort is seldom felt in my life. Relating to those around me happens rarely but I keep plotting forward, even on those days I think of death, dying and ending my pain.
My constant paranoid feelings of others not liking me, talking about me behind my back, finding fault with everything that I do feels like more than a MDD side effect. I can put on a good show but inside it hurts more than anyone knows. We could be in completely different head spaces but I will listen if you need to spill.....

Why do I not feel human? Not really sure. I guess after awhile of being isolated and alone it starts to feel like you don't exist. People always looking at you like you're some type of monster. One event after another that your insides are just in a constant struggle until one day it just shuts itself down. One event too far that causes one to question their reality. Who they are. At least that is what I think is the reason.

I'm not really sure one can seek comfort from these places. Maybe a place to pass the time and learn things. Nothing really comforting though. At least for me I just get jealous of others. I'm not really sure how to explain my head space. I just like to say people can't relate because it protects me from being let down when I eventually find out we have different situations. I have specific thoughts that occur when I realize this. Mainly hatred. Feeling far behind everyone else because I have nothing of my own. I just silently rot inside when I realize that they have something or can do something I can't. "Why can't you do it." I am not sure. Fear. Either way I just feel enraged. I told the people supposed to help me get treatment this and now I feel like they have certain thoughts about me. Maybe it is just the paranoia again like you mentioned you have that causes me to question things about others intentions or thoughts.

I know that. have lived alone for a long time. until last year I lived in a place far from other people to meet and I felt strange and unwelcome a lot. isolated and not human. because I wasn't even used to seeing anyone and when I did it was strange and I felt like they didn't even see me and I was always disappointed. it changed when I forced myself to go out more often. it was hard at first. I moved to another place in town where I was closer to other people and didn't need a long ride on public transport before I could talk to another human being. since then it got a lot better. just because I got used to it maybe and also because people got to know me better. but when I got depressed that feeling came back and again I forced myself to see people and it worked again. so I hope you can also make a change like this.

I don't hate you.

I don't care if people hate me. I'm not too fond of them either.

(((Robot))) I can find a lot of people insincere. I have more people on here I can talk to than in real life.

I lost one "friend" who hasn't called or contacted me since Feb. She always said she was my "friend", but when I used to try to contact her to catch up, she was "busy".

I decided to cut her loose. One-way friendships don't work for me. She knows about my recent losses, but she can't/won't make 10 minutes for me in 6 months. That's not a "friend". I think she's a phony *****, and she's done this before. I decided to give her another chance, which I see was not a good idea (in hindsight, of course).

This has happened to me many times for years and years. Nobody stays in my life long enough that claim to be a friend.

I met one person who might be a possibility of a real friend, and there's another acquaintance that has possibilities. But I've been burned so much that I've cautiously optimistic about both of them.

My only other real life friend is out of state. He used to be here, but he was forced to go back to his home town after losing his job & apartment. We e-mail, but it's not the same. I used to visit him and his cats. It has left a huge void in my life.

I lost a PC friend not long ago, and an acquaintance I hadn't seen for years from lung cancer.

So, except for PC, I feel like I have no friends really. What little family I have is no better.

I also hate the "How are you's" from people who really don't care and are not really asking. Call me cynical, but it seems we live in a shallow, pragmatic, materialistic culture. It's not very "deep", and you have to go out of your way to get the support you need or your emotional needs met. That's how I feel anyway.

I often hate people too, for being phony. Acting like they are my friends or they like me, but when I'm really in need, they make themselves scarce quickly.

I know I accepted your friend request recently, but now I don't see that black cat in your friends list.

Sent you a friend request!