What is wrong with me?!

My friend just messaged me about a student in my grade who committed suicide. She did not elaborate and has not replied yet, but instead of feeling bad for that student I only felt envious. Shouldn't I be glad that despite my 2 (failed, obviously) attempts, I'm still here? Why am I actually jealous of something so horrible and wishing to God it was me?

I guess I'm upset over my inability to even kill myself properly. What on earth could be wrong with me? I feel like such a sick, twisted, evil person...

Hi ombretwilight, no you're not at all a sick, twisted, evil person
Just because you failed in your attempts, just because you're now alive now..........doesn't just make the depression/the feelings go away. It can take more than that, a whole lot more than that.
And you know how ridiculous it is to tell someone with depression "you should be happy (or whatever!!) you're alive", don't you??
And for you maybe you're not seeing what happened as horrible in relation to her/him when you're feeling jealous, you're probably seeing it more as an "escape" (???) for you.
So...........are you getting any help with what you're going through?? Is there anyone you can talk (more??) to about how you're feeling/what's going on for you??
Because there can be so much more than the way you're feeling now with the right help/support, even if it's hard to believe right now.
And of course we're here for you in this too.

Alison

Thanks a lot for your kind words My friend has replied and it was a guy. I've heard of him but we have never spoken, and his suicide is definitely a tragedy especially since he did it on our graduation day (last Fri). Maybe he was stressed over our upcoming 'A' Levels in 2 weeks, but we'll never know. He's actually the 2nd student in my school to pass away after an 8th grader fell from his 11th floor apartment last month. It's been a bad year...

I used to see my school counsellor but we have terminated last Wed and I guess I am grieving about it in a way. You're right in that I see death as an escape for me but I've been getting better until this news. It was such a huge trigger. I'm not sure why, perhaps partially because I don't want to accept the fact that there are other people in my school also facing issues (even though I know there are).

Hi ombretwilight, it is really good that you were able to start to talk to your school counsellor. But you know it's got to be tough for you anyway to have just terminated, after you've probably been able to share more with them than a lot of other people.
And that doesn't even need to discredit how far you've come............because you have come a long way haven't you, it's maybe more so that you need to hold onto that despite the fact that the counselor isn't there right now, and about recognising that that progress is still there/right there inside you.
And the trigger.........how you're feeling now............that doesn't need to mean that you're right back to the place you were at before.........a visit maybe, but you have got all of that progress, all of that strength you built up to help you move back away from there.
And if you need more help.........then nothing at all wrong with reaching out for that, you know, just see it as using it to continue your progress...........whether that's through the school, a doctor (or even just us for now!!)
And the other people in your school facing issues.........well maybe use that to help you feel less alone, maybe share some of what you're going through with some of them if it isn't going to be a trigger..........but either way, you know you're not alone on here. We're here for you.

Alison

I can relate so much to how you are feeling. I'm sorry I have no answers, but I would like to think that we are not both sick, twisted, evil people. I imagine that it is just depression messing with our minds.
and good luck~

I think your feeling are pretty common in that situation from what I have read. It actually puts you at higher risk. Keep yourself safe.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I also have 2 failed tempts behind me. Dunno if this will help you - does help me - I still view death as a release from the torments of life. When someone around me dies, I also feel envious that they get to get away from life, and sad for myself (and sometimes, ok often, angry) that I got left behind again. At this point, I have accepted that my failed attempts mean I am stuck here, for reasons I don't know and can't comprehend (a higher authority intervening?) - and so continue on, I must, and since life sucks so often, suffer, I must, until one day, I am granted release. So I've learned to be happy for those who get to leave, and suffer no more. And each day that I wake up, still alive, I tell myself that surely, I am one day closer to my own release.

I don't think that makes me sick and twisted and evil, so of course, I don't believe YOU are, either. You're just someone like me - someone who has had to suffer too much, for too long. Our time for not-suffering may not be yet, but our time will come. Until then, therapy and meds and support groups help make the journey a little easier.

Thanks for this - it does help to put a new perspective on things. I hope that as the days go by I'll change from anticipating death to celebrating life.

((hugz))

My Dad says, 'I didn't give myself life, it is not mine to take it.'
You are sooo young and so cute, you can have many wonderful moments and years before you!!
I was suicidal at 16 or so, but I'm soo glad I didn't do it then! I've met so many wonderful people and have done so many amazing things since then!
And I have fingers crossed that so will you!!

Just checking in with you - hope you're feeling better / calmer about the events happening around you.

Thanks for your concern I hope the depression is lifting but it's going to be very stressful all through Nov. ADD and OCD certainly do not help with exams

I just thinked about suicide, but never had attempts. My suggestion would be to open something like a war in your mind, against that voice in your head that tells you that you are worthless staying alive. Find something that gets you going. Start getting busy, even if you force yourself into it for the first times. I like listening to music a lot and it really changes my mood. When I listen to, for example Guns N' Roses, maaan I get a kick, something that you'll never get being sad all day and contemplating your existance. This is what works for me. Sorry for my nasty english.