Good evening guys. Started having a new problem lately - I found this pub around the corner from me and it has a few really nice quiet corners to sit in and lately I've been going in there a bit. The problem is I'm going in there during the day, like at lunch time, and on a few occasions now I've drank too much and turned up at the office drunk. Yesterday, I went overboard. I have no friends, but in the pub I met a few guys who told me to come and sit with them and we drank heavily until I can't remember what happened. They left, and I vaguely remember sitting with this girl who also left, and then I woke up at home the next morning. This is really scary, because my dad was an alcoholic and I vowed never to drink. But, being depressed it seems like such a nice way to finally meet friends, something that I've been dying to have my whole life - just some companionship or even a girlfriend. Guys I'm so scared. This is not me.

[Curupira]

Is seeking companionship the only reason you are drinking? Or is there something else that is making you choose to get drunk?

Sorry, don't mean to pry. I am sorry you are dealing with this and it is definitly a scary experience. Lots of hugs

[Altered Moment]

It's a dangerous road.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[littlemiss44]

Drinking too much can be bad esp when yr depressed. It can only make matters worse. If yr drinking then going back to work then that is not a good sign. Finding companionship while drinking can make us lonlier. Believe me I've done it. Maybe you could find a support group in yr area or go out with a friend without drinking. It's really easy to find ways to escape our depression. Please be easy on yr self. Yr not alone. We're here for you

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

Hi guys, thanks for all the replies. I don't know why this has happened. I just feel so tired of being alone. But, this is a really new experience for me. The thing is, I can't get anyone to go and have a normal lunch with me, nobody likes my company. The only reason I started doing this is to meet some other people maybe, just so I can talk to someone. I'm so pathetic.

[Frankbtl]

Hi SbtGuy, NO you're not pathetic!!! It is really good that you're reaching out to others/seeking friendships/companionship particularly with the way you're feeling. That can take/show a lot of strength!! And you've also recognised that there are problems with the way you've started to do that, well done!!
Of course it's a slippery slope you're on using alcohol as a tool in connecting with people, drinking more, going to work drunk.............
But if the ways you've tried connecting haven't worked/aren't working for you then that doesn't mean that there aren't other options.
As for people not being willing to have a normal lunch with you then I'd say that that doesn't necessarily equate to them not liking your company at all. They probably just don't know you well enough to make that move, particularly if depression has held you back a bit in showing that as much. Maybe start a little slower and let them get to see you a little more. Perhaps suggest something a little less "one on one" than lunch e.g. going to the cinema to watch.........going to a gig, going to do some activity.
But if they really aren't interested in getting to know you then that's going to say just as much about them as about you, do not take that personally. If you look at other options/social circles there will be people who will value you!!
Are there any interests/hobbies you have/could begin to have? Any groups around you could tag into? Are you accessing as many things out there as you can/might like for example even swimming/going to the gym/taking a "recreational" college course can open new avenues and gradually introduce you to different people.
As for the depression, yes it's going to make it a bit harder for you, but maybe have a think about if there's anyone around you who you could talk to about it, although we're here as well!! And if you need to then you're still going to have the option of talking to your doctor about it, right?
But you are NOT pathetic!! And well done again, on recognizing and seeing the need to change where you are right now!! That is a massive step towards actually being able to change things for yourself!!!
Alison

[Altered Moment]

This is really scary, because my dad was an alcoholic and I vowed never to drink. But, being depressed it seems like such a nice way to finally meet friends, something that I've been dying to have my whole life - just some companionship or even a girlfriend. Guys I'm so scared. This is not me.

You are at increased risk because your father was an alcoholic. It is an easy way to self medicate. My father was an alcoholic and I became and alcoholic.

Hi again all and thanks for the comments. Thank you for your faith in me Alison. The problem is my depression is so severe that it has blocked all sense of joy in my life at this point and I have no desire to try any of the activities you have suggested. I know how that sounds, like I'm giving up, but I can't help it. I have no desire to try anymore. I have been depressed basically my entire life and I have no passions at all. When I was a kid, I had a new hobby every 5 minutes. As I got older I kicked the hobbies and focused my entire world on my studies. Zinco would know, living in an alcoholic household, you grow up in a very negative, chaotic environment and my way of dealing with it was to shut it out and keep to myself, focusing all my life on my work. It never made me happy, nothing did, but it was my escape. I would not be able to go out and enjoy myself with others, I don't know how to enjoy myself. I am and always will be just that observer guy, who the whole world passes by and doesn't notice. It's the only way I know. I just can never see myself being a normal human being in this life.

[Frankbtl]

Hi StbGuy, No it doesn't at all sound like you're giving up if you're not yet ready to take on any activities/passions if the depression is that severe. That's OK, when you're feeling that bad taking up different activities/throwing yourself into things can be the same as asking someone with a broken leg to climb a mountain!
But it just shows so clearly how well you actually have been/are fighting it by wanting companionship by putting yourself in places where you're hoping you'll find it. That is major!!
But like you said you do need another way (other than pubs/alcohol) to come closer to what you want/need. Now don't forget about the possibility of forming connections, but I'm wondering whether it might help you a little more to focus more on you though right now?
If you're not able to just form natural connections now then that's OK considering the way you're feeling. As I'm sure you'll know depression "ain't no party"!!!.
Do you think you could discuss the way you're feeling (more?) with your doctor, or try (again?) therapy. It might seem a bit hopeless to you but...........small steps. Nothing will change "overnight" but if you can just keep in mind the possibility. And it mght help to give AlAnon a try? From what you've said it must have had a massive effect on you living with your father, which is completely understandable. So maybe sharing your experiences with others and getting that kind of support could help you work through some buried (and not so buried!!) feelings and help in forming connections in time.
And you know, in time you might well find people who are going to see past the "observer" bit of you and "go that extra mile" in meeting you where you are. It can take time/the right people but not everyone is going to miss who you truly are inside.
And I'd say that inside you are so strong in coming through what you've come through, you've shown massive courage (including just by telling us how it is on here!!) and you should be really proud of yourself in facing/wanting to confront things, and seeing that there is more out there that you could be a part of (by trying to meet people!).
As for being a normal human being, you are normal in relation to what you've been through in feeling the way you do. That doesn't mean that you have to necessarily be stuck like this if you can get the right help but you are normal. As for others out there, just make sure you're not setting too high expectations on yourself e.g. a lot of people who seem happy/content/social may be very different "behind closed doors".
And if you're not like certain people anyway, then that doesn't at all mean that you haven't still got many positive attributes (whether you see them or not!) and that doesn't mean that you aren't going to be just as important as someone else, or that people shouldn't/aren't going to really value you just for who you are!!
So maybe a little more talking/a little more help to get you nearer to where you want to be??
Alison

Hi again Alison. Thanks so much for your kind words. I've got an appointment with a therapist on Monday, which I'm lucky to get because there's a long waiting list. I think the lady saw I was not looking so good so she made me urgent, I don't know. The last sessions I had they did not want to diagnose anything, but I'm pretty sure I have major depressive disorder (MDD) just by looking at some online evaluations. I actually never realised, until reading some of the other posts on the other forums, that I have suicide ideation also on a regular basis. That scared me a bit, since I never realised how dangerous such thoughts could be.

Oh yes, sorry, you were so kind to provide your name. Mine is Adrian.

[Idiot17]

Good luck on your t appt on monday. Hope all goes well for you.
((((Adrian)))))

Originally Posted by Idiot17

Good luck on your t appt on monday. Hope all goes well for you.
((((Adrian)))))

Thanks sooo much

[Frankbtl]

Hi Adrian, good news that you have an appointment coming up and that they appear to be taking the way you feel seriously. Which you deserve!!.
If you think it may help it might be an idea to reflect on some of the difficulties you've been having and write them down ready for the appointment as you really don't want to miss passing anything on.
And although you shouldn't really be diagnosing yourself (you know that anyway, right! ) it is good to be checking into the possibilities here. Knowledge can be power right?!! And can help in understanding and finding better/more coping resources. So good on you for taking that initiative and looking for some answers!! Really!!
And you're right that suicide ideation especially on a regular basis can be dangerous but just by recognizing it and giving it significance you are starting to move in the direction of keeping yourself safe. There are hotlines/crisislines to give support if you feel you may need them at any time. And don't for a minute worry that it would make you seem "crazy", "weak", "hopeless", "attention seeking"..........any of the "common" misconceptions of these, because it won't!!. There should be people on the other end who are trained to support you and who care.
And now you know that suicide ideation isn't an isolated thing/not a "rarity" then at least you can feel a bit easier in talking about it, right? It's something you can start to address better with others, you're not alone!!
Just make sure that you keep on getting people to understand the way you're feeling and offer the support you need to be feeling better. You clearly have it in you to be able to move forward, may be really hard, may take plenty of time, maybe times you just want to give up but you are making big strides in working towards a better future: You have tried to reach out to others socially (you want that!), you've recognized your difficulties, you've shared your feelings and experiences here so honestly and reached out for advice, you've made the commitment of seeing a therapist.
It may be a rocky road to feeling better but don't let that dishearten you.
And of course, we're here for you too!!
Alison

Thanks Alison, and everyone else too for your advice and inspiring words. I'm a little excited, can't wait for Monday.

Hi again guys Went to the T today, and what a revelation, never thought I would get the assessment I did. Right off the bat he asked me about my childhood and what my interests were like and what my reading habits were like, which at first I found a bit odd, and then I told him about how I had no friends at school and generally actually find it rather difficult talking to people face-to-face and then he came up with an answer quickly. He says I have Asperger syndrome (AS) which is like a type of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) (!!!). This possibility only ever crossed my mind once years ago when I wondered one day why I seem so much more quiet than other children. But, this explains my life pretty well, not interested by anything normal, abnormal social behaviour, lack of friends throughout school, and very peculiar, weird and narrow interests. He also said that this AS, when it carries through into adulthood like mine did, leads to MDD, because of how different you feel to everyone else, so that explains where my depression came from. I never expected this at all and I'm totally stunned. What on earth do I do now? I'm, per definition, abnormal as a human being. That also explains why I have no passion for anything, because it's so hard to make my mind interested in anything. And, I've also got to ask - 12 years of my life in school, day in and day out - and nobody ever noticed???

[Altered Moment]

I'm, per definition, abnormal as a human being.

Welcome to the club. I am pretty sure I am abnormal too.

My first thought was how could he make a diagnosis so quick. Sounds like you agree with him though. Have you done any reading on it yet?
Asperger Syndrome | What is Autism? | Autism Speaks

And, I've also got to ask - 12 years of my life in school, day in and day out - and nobody ever noticed???

I guess that is a very good question. Maybe you were to high functioning on the scale. Maybe they were not really trained to look for it as they are more so now. So like you said what on earth do you do now?

My mom and I tend to think my nephew has Asperger syndrome but he has never been diagnosed. I think if we said anything to my brother and sister in law they would get pissed and be in denial. If he has it he is very high functioning but he does have alot of the symptoms.

Hi Zinco, yes I immediately went and read up on it, and I think I'm pretty high functioning. I guess he makes a good point, I mean it explains everything so well. But, of course, being a scientist, I know things aren't always what they seem - sometimes the "data" makes you see something that isn't really there. But, it especially explains some of the weird hobbies I had as a kid, and especially the repetitive, obsessive nature of some of these.

The denial thing is so true for me too - if I told my parents, they would never accept it, this is one of those things "that happen to other people, not our family". They were in denial for a long time about my grandmother's Altzheimer's for example.

[Altered Moment]

Well you seem relieved to get a diagnosis that fits. I know what that feels like. After all these years I am understanding my depression a little better today. Thanks to SophiesMom.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Well you seem relieved to get a diagnosis that fits. I know what that feels like. After all these years I am understanding my depression a little better today. Thanks to SophiesMom.

Yes, I guess so. But, this leaves more questions than answers now for me. I don't know where to go from here. How would I ever be able to have a "normal" life? I guess that's never going to happen, my existence will just be weird until the day they put me six feet under

Hi again all, posting on an old forum here, but just wanted to say been sober now since 1 June (2 and a half months). Haven't touched a drink since . Thanks for all your support again guys .

[lilypup]

I agree that a support group sounds like an excellent idea for you. You will meet people and these people understand. See if NAMI has a group in your area or you can also try AA, al.anon etc. Good luck...you seem like a nice guy. I would have lunch with you!

[Altered Moment]

That is excellent. Good job

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Werewoman]

In an earlier post you wondered how in 12 years of schooling no one noticed your problem.

When I was teaching, I had an 8th grade student once who came to class each day with a Harry Potter book that was very tattered and worn and he would immediately get it out at the beginning of class and I had a very difficult time getting him to put it away and participate, so I made a deal with him. I told him if he worked on the assigned project that day for the first 45 minutes of class, he could read for the last 15 minutes. He was very agreeable to that. I called his mother to tell her, and she almost cried that someone tried working with him instead of giving him a hard time and punishing him. She told me he had Asperger's and asked how I knew. I didn't know about his Asperger's, I just knew he needed a different approach if I wanted him to learn.

So glad to hear about your sobriety. Keep it up!

[DSM-3.1415926]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Hi again all, posting on an old forum here, but just wanted to say been sober now since 1 June (2 and a half months). Haven't touched a drink since .

Thanks so much, all of you guys . You know, since I've been on PC I've been able to tackle so many things in my life that I've been sitting with for over 20 years, and that would've been left unresolved. It's definitely a work in progress, but that is exactly it, you guys have helped me make it a work in progress, it's no longer buried in the closet that is my life, just lying there. I thank all of you very much for all your support over the last 10 months or so since I've joined.

I don't think I've ever felt so part of a group or a community in my entire life. I wish I could meet all of you in real life, you guys make such good friends . You guys are the best friends I ever had in my life so far. All your support, your advice, your care and your patience, I really appreciate it. Especially some of the older gentlemen, you have been almost like a father figure to me, giving me so much useful advice under the "men-support" forum, just giving such meaningful support for all the troubles that face a troubled young man such as myself. And to the older ladies, your warm, kind and almost mother-like support that has comforted me so many times when I post something and I'm all teary-eyed and hurting. It was so comforting when you posted back with your kind words and support, reassuring me. And, to all the younger people on here, you guys are the friends I never had during my teenage years, the kind of friends I longed for in high-school. The guys who just accept you for who you are and who know that it's cool to be different and unique. I really appreciate it.

OK, I'm really starting to get choked up here, so before I start crying (which is also something I can do now, in the past I was just incapable of such things) tears of joy, not sorrow, I think I'm going to conclude here now. I have grown because of what you guys have done for me, so I just want to say to you guys:

I love you guys, thanks for everything .

Adrian