[blackflaggnz]

I don't know if I'm posting this right. If it's wrong, please forgive me. I'm 18 and a shy guy. I never liked crowded social gatherings, especially with unknown people. I always passed on parties, going outside too much. I like persons who are down to earth and intelligent, someone with same interests as me. I never liked making chit-chat. I simply can't stand talking about small, insignificant stuff. I feel like it's meaningless. According to many personality tests that I have completed, I'm an INTP. Not quite a popular one. Anyway...I was all good about 8 months ago, when a girl in my class developed an slight interest towatds me. I never had a girlfriend and wasn't planning on having one soon. Again, I'm shy as hell towards girls especially. We started chatting via phone, but I felt that when chatting, everything was perfect. I had energy, I was talking using my mind, not words, so no anxiety, no shame, no shyness. But then I got very, very frustrated everyday at school, when we were only exchanging a "Hi!" or not even that...she's not a very chatty person either. Sitting late in my bed, finding all about the girl that seemed different from the other. She had that "filter" that...blocked stupidness...I can't explain exactly...when we were talking, she wasn't blabbering about everything, but only the esential stuff. (Hope you understand me, as I'm not a native english speaker.) I liked her, and I like her even now, but I always had doubts about her. I saw her dating 1 or 2 guys in the past, who were like clowns, and I developed these doubts towards her. As our "relationship" continued, I gradually opened up emotionally towards her, and it felt pretty good. I never opened up emotionally to no one. To say what I felt, without being discriminated. She was also a bit depressed, having a minor heart disease and I understood her in every way. But all those days, on and on and on, being frustrated about not being able to talk to her at school, not being able to ask her out sometimes digged me quite hard, and I was started crying almost every evening or night for my "stupidity" or "defect" that I have. I started developing an emotional side that I never had before. It almost concerned me. Gradually, I entered in a depression, being sad at school, home, crying myself to sleep with the same question : "What the hell is wrong with me? Am I losing my damn mind?". Weeks and moths passed, without expressing my feelings towards her, and feeling lonelier and lonelier day by day. Listening to love oriented music made me burst in tears in silence, without everybody knowing. I was always thinking about a silent suicide, but then I remembered that I had a family and I couldn't do that to them. I felt horrible. I pushed friends away, I started going to school alone.

[blackflaggnz]

Can someone please help me with advice, because my depression is eating me alive. Who is willing to hear my story?

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC. I read your story. Sometimes things are slow around here but this section is very active. For some reason weekends are slower and I don't know why.

I am a lot like you. Especially when I was in high school. The girl friends I had came on to me so I didn't have to make that terrifying first move. Lucky. I am by nature very shy and introverted and only want to discuss intellectual things. I am 50 now and over the years have learned how to be more outgoing and can deal with groups and stuff. Not when I am depressed or having anxiety but in general. I think with age we become less self conscience and just don't care what people think.

One time I watched this guy walk straight up to a girl he never met and ask for her number and she gave it to him. I thought what the hell it is that simple, you just have to do it and not think about it. I dunno why but that made something snap and I figured I could do that too. I did it and started dating and had some good relationships.

Are you still in contact with her? She may very likely be sitting at home wondering why you haven't asked her out and maybe just as shy as you. Don't think about it just walk up and do it.

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[Altered Moment]

Anyone else have input?

[blackflaggnz]

Thank you for sharing your situation. It really made me realise that I'm not alone in this situation and that other guys fought and won against depression and anxiety and that I am not the only one that goes through this rough patch. I started searching the net for ways of fighting my problems and found someone's idea of breaking your mind in two pieces : the one that is good, wants to live life to the fullest and the other voice, the so called "critical inner voice". I'm in high spirits right now, but I just hope that this will last and when that ugly voice will pop in my head again, I will learn to say : "Not today, not now, b***h!"...

[Altered Moment]

Good for you, that's right kick it's ***.

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[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by blackflaggnz

Thank you for sharing your situation. It really made me realise that I'm not alone in this situation and that other guys fought and won against depression and anxiety and that I am not the only one that goes through this rough patch. I started searching the net for ways of fighting my problems and found someone's idea of breaking your mind in two pieces : the one that is good, wants to live life to the fullest and the other voice, the so called "critical inner voice". I'm in high spirits right now, but I just hope that this will last and when that ugly voice will pop in my head again, I will learn to say : "Not today, not now, b***h!"...

That's an interesting concept for dealing with depression. Knowing you have two sides, the life is good or can be good side and the "critical inner voice." I know I tend to have a strong critical inner voice. Maybe some of the inner healing is learning to kick the critical inner voice to the curb? I wish you well. Maybe this fine girl is waiting for you to ask her out. It is a risk but unless you ask her you may not develop the relationship. Best wishes to you.

[blackflaggnz]

I was listening this song for some time from my favourite artist, Lana Del Rey, but today, after being in high spirits, I felt down again - my inner voice was dragging me into the pit again. As I listened the song again today, I realised that the lyrics were the most accurate representation of my situation and felt like crying, but I got my sheet and pen and started to put down the lyrics and the feelings attached to every verse. It seems to me to be deadly accurate. Music listening really can change my mood, but this song really hit me under the belt, but not enough to throw me away in the "critical inner voice's" "pit". The song is named JFK by Lana Del Rey. Here are the lyrics. What do you guys think?

You smell like a million roses, - she has a nice perfume, which I like
Bathed in rock and roll. - I sometimes listen to Guns N' Roses

Ours was the greatest,
Love story ever told. - At least in my head...

Throat like an angel,
With a voice that was made of gold, - She has a voice like a little shy girl

That's my baby. - I know her quite good

He was the king of the town,
With a crown that would never fall. - In my head, she was a little queen, with a place to stay in my mind

Heart that would beat,
Like a bass for his baby doll. - she told me a "secret" that no one knew that she has a heart disease that is quite rough for her, and I totally understood and supported her

A one in a million, inimitable soul, - she was different from the other girls I know
That's my baby. - again, I know her pretty well

Young or old, summer or cold,
Young or old, summer or cold. - 2 times, because when I always felt down, she was there for me and comforted me. I could tell her everything I had on my mind, wether is was "summer or cold"

You've got a way, - a way to "click!" with my feelings

Like JFK when you do it, - JFK was a very charismatic man, which translates in my attraction and affection towards her

The way that you move it,
Spins me round like a record, baby. - Everytime that we talked for more than just a minute, I felt amazing, "spinned round like a record"; I like listening to music a lot

And you've got a soul like,
No one I know, you're so new at it, - again, she was different from the others...; she was also shy and "new" to talking

The way you see through that ****, - the way she saw through my shyness and sometimes she saw my true self

Breaks my heart and it drives me crazy. - it made me realise of my defects and fear of showing my emotions and i kinda broken my own heart, and have fallen in the state I am now

He was the king of the town,
With a crown that would never fall.
A heart like a bass that would,
Beat for his baby doll.

Mind like a diamond,
And inimitable soul, - I never met someone like her yet

That's my baby. - repeated...we knew each other pretty well

Young or old, summer or cold,
Young or old, summer or cold. - as time passed, we grew more like into friends, rather than lovers...

You've got a way,
Like JFK when you do it,
The way that you move it,
Spins me round like a record, baby.
And you've got a soul like,
No one I know, you're so new at it,
The way you see through that ****,
Breaks my heart and it drives me crazy,
It drives me crazy.

You've got it and I want it, - her personality and careness for me

Late summer nights, in July, flaunt it. - we had a date in a night of July, but I was very shy and it didn't worked too well

You know that you can always come home,
To the one who gave you your name. - can she be mine again?

'Cause I see a light in your eyes,
It's so bright and the skies they open, - she has some unusual eye color...like a light baby blue, which is quite unusual

Wide for you, so come to me, my baby. - I still want her...

You've got a way,
Like JFK when you do it,
The way that you move it,
Spin me 'round like a record, baby.
And you've got a soul like,
No one I know, you're so new at it,
The way you see through that ****,
Breaks my heart and it drives me crazy.

It drives me crazy, - you have no idea how crazy she driven me
It drives me crazy, - my obsession for her
Crazy, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. - and also I driven myself crazy, and became a shell of my former self, sighing every damn day...

[Altered Moment]

Try listening to Jewel after someone broke your heart. OMG

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[blackflaggnz]

Wow, you got feeds on my post, or what? You're so fast!. My heart is still full of love and compassion, but not showing or sharing them drives me crazy. What do you think of the lyrics? Thank you again for the support! I feel better knowing that someone actually read what I felt.(like a psychologist) I also feel that is way too late to show my feelings now, that she may have another guy in her life, but I am unsure...

[Altered Moment]

Haha 7 minutes after. No I don't have feeds on your posts. Just coincidence.

Different lyrics effect us differently at different times. I think music can be very cathartic and healing. But like in my case with a Jewel song it just made me obsess more. Nothing wrong with letting you feelings out though.

It may not be to late but it involves risk. The risk of being abandoned and rejected and the feelings that causes. Once we let our walls down and become vulnerable it opens a whole can of worms. Its normal and natural to want to be with someone. Better to be in touch with those feelings and learn how to handle them. Its not so much the inner critic but maybe exposing a part of our nature we have kept blocked away. It's human. Of course that inner critic jumps right in there.

[blackflaggnz]

That motherfu**er...I hate him. It feels like I have to climb a big mountain to tell her "I love you!" after so many failed attempts...damn...

[Altered Moment]

Maybe don't start with "I love you." but...... "would you like to see a movie with me?"......"I would very much like to continue texting with you."

Infatuation, sexual desire, the idea of being in love, obsession, is often confused for love.

[Fuzzybear]

[blackflaggnz]

I know that love is real only when you really find someone that supports you in every way and you do the same...something like "united as one" thing. Most of the time this "love" that everyone is talking about is only sexual attraction, lust and desire. As one of my friends would say : "You wanna go deep insideeee!". He's a crazy fellow ). But for my feelings...I'm starting to lean on the friendzone side of things. It's good to have some girl friends, not only guy friends, right? I'm confussed

[Altered Moment]

Its great to have girls who are only friends. Actually it is easier for me to become friends with a girl when it comes to deeper more meaningful emotional topics. With men you often have to play the macho, good ole boys club thing.

Some people would argue that love is only oxytocin getting released that causes us to feel bonded with someone. This happens with Mothers and newborns and with couples. My definition is much deeper than that but people can define it how they want. I just wouldn't say "I love you to a girl before the first date." That usually happens a ways down the road and is a big step in the relationship.