[akekaomen]

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this, but I feel like I am. I guess it's because everyone around me seems like an over-achiever and I'm just a manager trying to get through each day.

No one is telling me that I'm doing poorly, but I don't like how little I can produce right now. I can't think and I can barely get simple things done. I have no interest in what I do and I'm just lucky that no one is watching me closely.

I try to break up projects and take breaks, but it can get unbearable at times knowing I could do more and be more, but I'm stuck in this rut. I also hate that so many I knew before have advanced to directors in different places and I'm still just a little manager barely getting by with my area. I feel so worthless.

I wanted to stay home today, but I take so much time off that they have called me out on that. I had thought of invoking my interim FMLA, but that can cause more problems because they all know it's better for me to show up than sit at home. I'm too afraid to ask for anything to help me advance my career and I'm too afraid to ask for the things I need to help me survive like this.

We barely make ends meet as it is, so I need to tough it out and learn what others seem to know - how to work when you don't feel like it. I just can't seem to grow up enough even at 40 years old I'm still nowhere and unmotivated at work.

[TheOriginalMe]

The employment statistics for people who live with mental illness are not great. So holding down a job as a manager makes you an achiever in my mind, it doesn't matter what anyone else has done. You can only ever do your best so just aim for that.

I've just gone back to work after 6 months off, it is so hard. So I know how you are feeling.

[akekaomen]

Too bad there isn't a corporate culture that helped support me in feeling like I'm a success for getting this far. Right now I just feel incompetent and wonder when I'll be told I'm not good enough. Being depressed at work is just very lonely.

[TheOriginalMe]

You are right there, very lonely. My boss has made it plain he doesn't want me back at work and keeps giving me jobs below my grade. I just know he will use it against me, this is despite my employers having mental health awareness days and generally saying all the right things.

Try and focus on the things that go right, and be prepared to fake it based on past success. If you can talk something up then it might just divert attention from the things you think aren't going well.

Are you perhaps judging yourself too hard (due to the depression) and seeing failure that others might not even notice? My boss didn't have a clue until the day I rang in sick, he'd noticed stuff but didn't bother joining the dots because he was too wrapped up in himself and his vision. I think that is why he is so intolerant now, I might spoil his plan for world domination and I have certainly shown him up as being no good on staff welfare.

I don't really believe in myself right now and I messed up today. I'm just hoping that it slips through the net. Maybe I don't have any convincing answers for either of us, I guess we just have to ride it out.

[vital]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this, but I feel like I am. I guess it's because everyone around me seems like an over-achiever and I'm just a manager trying to get through each day.

No one is telling me that I'm doing poorly, but I don't like how little I can produce right now. I can't think and I can barely get simple things done. I have no interest in what I do and I'm just lucky that no one is watching me closely.

I try to break up projects and take breaks, but it can get unbearable at times knowing I could do more and be more, but I'm stuck in this rut. I also hate that so many I knew before have advanced to directors in different places and I'm still just a little manager barely getting by with my area. I feel so worthless.

I wanted to stay home today, but I take so much time off that they have called me out on that. I had thought of invoking my interim FMLA, but that can cause more problems because they all know it's better for me to show up than sit at home. I'm too afraid to ask for anything to help me advance my career and I'm too afraid to ask for the things I need to help me survive like this.

We barely make ends meet as it is, so I need to tough it out and learn what others seem to know - how to work when you don't feel like it. I just can't seem to grow up enough even at 40 years old I'm still nowhere and unmotivated at work.

I've been where you are akekaomen. I used to be quite depressed, but I'm not anymore. You know what's crazy? Now I actually enjoy dysfunctional work situations just because when I'm in them I'm so obviously dealing with them vastly better than I would have dealt with it when I was depressed. The contrast reminds me how far I have come.

I'm not sure, but it sounds like you're functioning pretty well in your job, but not enjoying it at all. You say you have to learn how to work when you don't feel like it. I think it's a much better strategy to try combining un-depressing yourself with learning how to actually enjoy your job. I suspect that if you're feeling great physically and mentally, almost any job can be enjoyable, and people who enjoy their jobs typically also do them quite well.

I know it's not easy. When you're depressed you live in a swamp of dysfunctional thoughts and feelings that endlessly repeat. It's very easy to get into a downward spiral because depression causes chronic stress which makes it hard to do anything well which can cause disapproval and more stress, etc. I suspect that the key is overcoming your depression rather than the particulars of your job situation.

[Fuzzybear]

[akekaomen]

Thanks for the replies. It is helpful to know there are other functioning deppressives out there. Faking it is what I'm getting good at overall. I think it's catching up with me a bit.

I think the key now is to try to not read people's minds. I don't know what they know and whether they think I'm doing well or not. People are typically self-absorbed, so it's unlikely anyone is trying to figure out a way to find any problems with me.

As far as liking what I do, I think it's a matter of lost interest. There is a potential to like the type of work I do, but many of the tasks I put off while depressed are the ones I don't enjoy. Now I'm at a point where I can't hide behind the interesting things as easily because even those are less interesting for me. It's a problem I'm facing in general - I'm losing interest in hobbies and other areas that would help me get my mind off of work.

The weather change isn't helping of course. Today is a bit better to begin with. A slight change in meds was made to help fight the "paranoia" type thoughts. Until that kicks in some extra anti-anxiety to hold me over. I'll try to find something I can enjoy outside of work, but that's still going to take work. My interests shift often and when there is a shift there's a time when I have no interests. If I can cope through this, I may find something to occupy my mind with, but until then, I'll soldier on as best I can and experiment with possible areas of interest.

[CosmicRose]

Unmotivated? You're a manager. I don't know if you know this, but being a manager is a very well respected position. Your friends who went onto being directors, are probably doing the exact same thing you are, but giving themselves a fancy name instead. Isn't a director basically a manager? You are doing everything right, it sounds like you're really just beating yourself up because you're not looking at the positives and only focusing on the negatives. I know it must be very difficult, working with depression is very hard. But the main thing to do is focus on gratitude, focus on what you do have going for you, what you already have, and the achievements you've already made.

You're a manager at 40? That's kind of a big deal. I know a lot of people in their 40s who would love that title. It takes some people a long time to reach a managerial position within a company. My mom is in her late 50s and she's an office manager at a university. You could look into other companies if this one is not making you happy. But you should really do little things to make yourself happy and calm at work. Because changing the environment doesn't always change the feelings. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a success. It just depends on what you're focusing on and giving your energy to. I'm sorry to say this but at your position, it's really no one's job to make you feel like a success, that's all on you. You need to feel like a success within yourself, no one is going to remind you of that fact - in any job.

Even big shot lawyers, doctors, etc. don't have people helping them to remember they're successful, that's a very personal thing you need to grow yourself - because everyone is in the same boat as you, they might even be looking at you to remind them of their success and pat them on the back. You said everyone is an over-achiever, maybe they're just showing that to you so that they can get a raise or show off to the manager hoping you'll notice them so they can climb the corporate ladder.

By the way there's nothing wrong with having your interests shift. How boring would life be if you had one interest for a sum total of 60 years? Sounds like you just need to lighten up on yourself and give yourself more leeway, and focus on the little things that bring you joy every day. Interests are supposed to change, and there will be moments in life that don't interest you at all.

[akekaomen]

I am lucky, but I can't feel it or enjoy it. Right now I'm starting my day so angry because my 2 hour morning commute was horrible and went for more than 2 hours. I only had 3 hours to be with my family last night as usual and spent it exhausted because I am doing 13 hour days between commuting and work.

I also feel resentful to my family for making me go through this every day. My wife can't make as much as I do and we barely make ends meet as it is. Our rent will go up soon and as usual I work around people who own their houses, so I have to deal with the stupid "renting is a waste of money" thing. We can't move because my daughter has issues too and we can't have her change high schools now that she's doing well after just starting.

And my anger for other people kicks in sometimes. I'll spend today hating people because I have to be around them. The treatments say to accept these feelings and go about your life anyway knowing you're fulfilling the goal of supporting the family. I find it hard to just keep going. I shouldn't be a manager because I hate people. I hate politics at work but I hate doing work even more. I just hate doing things for other people.

This is not a normal thing for me, but today I feel it and wanted to just add it to the mix. I'm screwed up, but I should be thankful for what I have and I just can't. I don't have little things to keep me going. I hate talking to people at work. They act so productive and I hate productive acting people. I wish they were more honest about how much they hate these things too.

[vital]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I am lucky, but I can't feel it or enjoy it. Right now I'm starting my day so angry because my 2 hour morning commute was horrible and went for more than 2 hours. I only had 3 hours to be with my family last night as usual and spent it exhausted because I am doing 13 hour days between commuting and work.

I also feel resentful to my family for making me go through this every day. My wife can't make as much as I do and we barely make ends meet as it is. Our rent will go up soon and as usual I work around people who own their houses, so I have to deal with the stupid "renting is a waste of money" thing. We can't move because my daughter has issues too and we can't have her change high schools now that she's doing well after just starting.

And my anger for other people kicks in sometimes. I'll spend today hating people because I have to be around them. The treatments say to accept these feelings and go about your life anyway knowing you're fulfilling the goal of supporting the family. I find it hard to just keep going. I shouldn't be a manager because I hate people. I hate politics at work but I hate doing work even more. I just hate doing things for other people.

This is not a normal thing for me, but today I feel it and wanted to just add it to the mix. I'm screwed up, but I should be thankful for what I have and I just can't. I don't have little things to keep me going. I hate talking to people at work. They act so productive and I hate productive acting people. I wish they were more honest about how much they hate these things too.

Hi akekaomen. I don't think you have to stay screwed up. I used to be like you, only, probably, handling it less well than you are handling it now. It's kind of a trap that I was in for a long time. I found a way out, though. I might sound like a broken record on this site, but I really think you should try this

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

Once you find a way to feel better inside, you may find yourself on an upward spiral. You will feel better, the things that your family and co-workers do will no longer torture you, your new feelings will get reflected back to you from your family and co-workers making you feel even better. It's a wonderful thing if you can get it started.

best wishes - v