I do not fear death. I fear getting it wrong.

Speaking with my T the other day I realized that I had given so much thought to killing myself that I had essentially talked myself out of it.

As much as I may not enjoy life I have no intentions of making my life worse through the after effects of a failed attempt.

If asked if I have a plan the honest truth is; "Not unless I can come up with something foolproof."

I wonder if the person asking finds that disturbing. Like, I have intentions but not unless I can make it a definite so I'm sure I'll be fine! lol

Anyone else found themselves over thinking these things?

[aquabelle]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I do not fear death. I fear getting it wrong.

Speaking with my T the other day I realized that I had given so much thought to killing myself that I had essentially talked myself out of it.

As much as I may not enjoy life I have no intentions of making my life worse through the after effects of a failed attempt.

If asked if I have a plan the honest truth is; "Not unless I can come up with something foolproof."

I wonder if the person asking finds that disturbing. Like, I have intentions but not unless I can make it a definite so I'm sure I'll be fine! lol

Anyone else found themselves over thinking these things?

I too have done the same thing as my worst fear is becoming a burden to my family. I had an interesting discussion with my Pdoc where I listed different options and success rates of each researched on the internet. Basically saying what you said, I talked myself out of it.

Originally Posted by aquabelle

I too have done the same thing as my worst fear is becoming a burden to my family. I had an interesting discussion with my Pdoc where I listed different options and success rates of each researched on the internet. Basically saying what you said, I talked myself out of it.

That was essentially the conversation I was having with my T- only I was going over the things that could go wrong.

Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I just stopped thinking.

[flewby]

I've done the same thing and I don't there is a foolproof way to die. I met this guy once. he was blind, we talked for a while then he told why he was blind. he tried to shoot himself in the head, but the bullet just went right through his temples and severed his vision. I think meeting him made me think twice about doing something like that at least.

It would not stop me.

I do tend to obsess over WAY too much in my life, from whether I should choose dish detergent A or dish detergent B, to whether I need to make a move to another state.

And I am so glad that you're here.

[shabur]

I have had similar thoughts, but I know I will be successful. My problem is, how can I do it without it affecting my siblings? I've thought about leaving a note saying I've gone off for some alone time and then going deep into the woods, but I know I would eventually be found.

I do have to say, there did come a point when the pain was so intense none of that mattered. I don't know what made me do it, but fortunately I called my T who had me come in right away. When I got there she said she didn't care what I wanted, she was calling an ambulance. I didn't have it in me to fight her.

[Juniebug]

I know exactly what u mean. The only reason I don't attempt to end it is, I'm afraid I'm gonna do it wrong. At least I can be honest on here.

[Blues47]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I have no intentions of making my life worse through the after effects of a failed attempt.

The after-effects of my failed attempt was the life of crap I'd hoped to avoid. The next one won't be an attempt.

[Nammu]

I've ended up in icu, cicu messed up my memory, got a decade worth of seizures, been in a coma and loss my freedoms from trying. I have come to the same conclusion, I might get it wrong again and this time end up on a ventilator or life support....much much worse.

Now when I'm feeling suicidal I think of all the ways it might go wrong and don't act on it. I've looked up all the ways done research and none are foolproof, someone has survived every type of plan. When I'm down in the hole I feel that this existence is hell and I'm doomed to live here forever. It does get better but don't try to tell me that when I'm down the hole there's nothing worse than some Pollyanna yapping about better times ahead. I figure I'm doing good if I can remember the chances of failure are higher than dragging on though the dark place. I just need to remember what happens if I fail, that stops me.

Overthinking it or just quit doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I don't know, but life has gotten easier without the involuntary hospitalizations.

[LifeIsCruel]

To answer you....YES!!!!!

"If" I knew a certain, instant, pain free way..which would work in 1/100th of a second....I'd do it myself........

[waterknob1234]

I used to think of suicide almost everyday. I would then talk myself out of it by thinking what it would do to my children, and no one to care for my dog. I used to almost argue with myself about this everyday when my depression was at its worst. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I think anyone who thinks about suicide often, especially someone making plans definitely needs treatment for depression. Praying you find some relief soon.

[MotherMarcus]

I've been there. I think about what life would be like for me if I failed. I think about what life would be like for others if I succeed. Then I go into brain-lock.

[Espresso]

I have overthought it over and over and over again. I've taken new information as it has come, and I've incorporated it into my plan. I believe I have a foolproof plan (even perhaps overkill) that would not result in any drastic permanent damaged if I was saved.

[Minelrie]

The first time I tried... I woke up covered in puke, shaking like crazy, sobbing, feeling awful... my first thought was oh my god my boyfriend is going to find out. He was upstairs sleeping. After that my worry is that I will try again and fail again here surrounded by my parents and I will have to deal with them making me feel bad for trying. I don't care about hurting myself, I care about hurting everyone else. I just wish I had succeeded the first time. Now I overthink it and worry too much about everyone else.

I have found a definite route, and I have seen a live news feed online of it taking place. I'm definitely not going to share it, but I may try it.

[MotherMarcus]

Originally Posted by Lmciyah

I have found a definite route, and I have seen a live news feed online of it taking place. I'm definitely not going to share it, but I may try it.

Whoa ! Are you still here ?