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#1
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All my life, I have been strangely jealous of sick people. I know, it's absolutely horrible of me. My depression has effected my brain so strangely that when I see pictures of people I know struggling with illnesses and getting all the attention and affection I don't get, I get jealous. Seriously jealous. Not to the point of Munchausen where I make myself sick, but just envious. Part of it I think is that my warped brain thinks that being sick is the only way for people to care about me and give me attention. Growing up, my sister dealt with some serious issues and I got neglected a lot because of that. When I got older (like 10 or 11) and had my own issues related to being severely bullied and harassed, my parents were too burnt out from my sister to deal with mine. It's time for me to acknowledge that this plays into my jealousy of sick people. It's absolutely horrible that I need this sort of attention and that I want to play into the victim role.
I want to bring this up in therapy, but I'm too afraid of doing it and facing the judgement. I'm a terrible person for being SO jealous of people who are seriously ill and I don't have the anonymity that I have here. Please don't judge me. Trust me, I judge myself for this a lot.
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Depression, anxiety, bulimia, and ADHD. Meds: Adderall (10 mg/2x day) Cymbala (60 mg/day) Prilosec XR (20 mg/day) |
![]() HowDoYouFeelMeow?, katelyn1019, shezbut, vital
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![]() My4WalledWorld
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#2
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F
First you acknowledge your thoughts are not good and that tells me you have insight. Honestly you are not a bad person. You are just struggling with stinking thinking which one way or another gets to lots of people with depression. Please talk to your T about this, there are lots of techniques you can learn to help you manage negative and unhelpful thinking. Be kinder to yourself and remember that you have an illness, even if the world can't see it. |
#3
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I don't think it is that unusual. When I am really depressed I often wish I had terminal cancer and would get all the sympathy and attention and then just die. I have heard lots of people with depression say the same thing. We want it to at least be acknowledged that what we suffer is real. It can't be seen and most people don't understand it. Like OriginalMe says you want to turn that jealousy and thinking into getting those needs met in a healthy way. It is just telling you that you have unmet needs. Figure out how to get them met.
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The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
![]() gloamingone, My4WalledWorld, shezbut
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#4
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I have the same problem. I've often fantasized about having cancer so people would pay attention to me.
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![]() shezbut
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#5
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Me too. I have often wanted an obvious sickness so I could say, hey people, I'm not ok. Years ago when I was anorexic it made me feel good knowing that I was visibly ill. Now that I have no physical proof of mental illness I feel like I am faking.
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BP II --200 mg lamictal---900mg lithium---.5 xanax |
![]() shezbut
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#6
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Quote:
I don't think less of you because of this at all. ![]() |
#7
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Yes, your experience probably does play into your jealousy of sick people, but no, such jealousy does not make you a horrible person. Your jealousy is very understandable and simply an indication how much you're hurting. You didn't get what you needed while growing up, and you're kind of stuck there. Your therapist can help you deal with this and move on to a better place. You won't be judged. That's not what your therapist is there for. So, give it a shot. Let her know what's hurting you.
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