[ToeJam]

Been a pretty rough ride over the last few months both in the irl and on the boards... confused and conflicted with where I'm at, withdrawing a lot as I don't like the notion of complaining or moaning.

The suicidal ideation and desire to self harm has not disappeared (does come on strong at times) but there are period breaks which I think are down to in part the medication and support I'm receiving.

With that being said, there is a fair bit of complications that have been messing with my head:

Personality disorder assessment came up with three traits that caught me off guard (I honestly thought I'd be lumbered with bpd... impression I got from the staff at the hospital though it was never verbalised) - ocpd, schizoid and schizotypal. I still don't really understand what those three encompass and those assessing me stipulated that due to me not yet being screened for aspergers, there could be conflictions there since the characteristics could be enveloped within the latter :shrug: Starting to become a tad apathetic to the whole process and it's not instilling a lot of confidence in psychological assessments (which with my background in the subject was shaky to begin with).

Therapist questioned my medication a few weeks back (in particular Sodium Valproate as a mood stabiliser) as being an odd choice and showed me it's uses in her medicinal dictionary... she mentioned that through her 25 years of experience, I was the only client she knew who didn't have epilepsy, to be put on it. Well, I didn't personally notice any change but I stopped taking it and my wife had a bit of yell at me when she found out I passed on a note written by my T to my cpn who said he'll bring it up with the p-docs with regards to a review.

Posting has become harder and harder since I left hospital (and I guess there is a correlation to becoming a staff member), and I've begun to feel isolated and separate from non staff members of the boards (which we are not). Possibly my own overactive imagination at work, but it's been getting me down and it's like there is a hole in the place of somewhere that was a home and escape from the real life crap I have to deal with I guess that's a cry out for acknowledgement that I am a person too :heh: sorry.

So yeah, that's where things stand at the moment.

On a lighter note, two of my poems are being published in a book being launched next week... nothing special.... 150 copies and no isbn number (though a publishing company has done a proper job on it) and the poems themselves were tasks to be completed rather than from my own direction... but yay... I'm in a book heh.

[kaliope]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. please do what you can to take care of yourself. I had schizoid pop on my mmpi. when I looked it up I was really surprised at how much it fit me. I don't worry about it at all because I don't feel it interferes with my life at all. I mean every now and then I have a desire to have people in my life but then I think how complicated that gets and realize it is not worth it to me. thou I would like to feel more connected to my children.

congrats on being published!

[Idiot17]

Nice to see you back here though I'm sorry about all the above mentioned conflict.
((((((TJ))))))

Life is complicated sometimes and may be it is the most complex at a time when we need it simple and clear. Imo, it is easier to choose between good and bad; what makes a choice difficult is when we have to choose the better amongst the good things and the lesser evil when all we have is bad in front of us...

I wish you well nonetheless.
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Originally Posted by ToeJam

Been a pretty rough ride over the last few months both in the irl and on the boards... confused and conflicted with where I'm at, withdrawing a lot as I don't like the notion of complaining or moaning.

The suicidal ideation and desire to self harm has not disappeared (does come on strong at times) but there are period breaks which I think are down to in part the medication and support I'm receiving.

With that being said, there is a fair bit of complications that have been messing with my head:

Personality disorder assessment came up with three traits that caught me off guard (I honestly thought I'd be lumbered with bpd... impression I got from the staff at the hospital though it was never verbalised) - ocpd, schizoid and schizotypal. I still don't really understand what those three encompass and those assessing me stipulated that due to me not yet being screened for aspergers, there could be conflictions there since the characteristics could be enveloped within the latter :shrug: Starting to become a tad apathetic to the whole process and it's not instilling a lot of confidence in psychological assessments (which with my background in the subject was shaky to begin with).

Therapist questioned my medication a few weeks back (in particular Sodium Valproate as a mood stabiliser) as being an odd choice and showed me it's uses in her medicinal dictionary... she mentioned that through her 25 years of experience, I was the only client she knew who didn't have epilepsy, to be put on it. Well, I didn't personally notice any change but I stopped taking it and my wife had a bit of yell at me when she found out I passed on a note written by my T to my cpn who said he'll bring it up with the p-docs with regards to a review.

Posting has become harder and harder since I left hospital (and I guess there is a correlation to becoming a staff member), and I've begun to feel isolated and separate from non staff members of the boards (which we are not). Possibly my own overactive imagination at work, but it's been getting me down and it's like there is a hole in the place of somewhere that was a home and escape from the real life crap I have to deal with I guess that's a cry out for acknowledgement that I am a person too :heh: sorry.

So yeah, that's where things stand at the moment.

On a lighter note, two of my poems are being published in a book being launched next week... nothing special.... 150 copies and no isbn number (though a publishing company has done a proper job on it) and the poems themselves were tasks to be completed rather than from my own direction... but yay... I'm in a book heh.

[Clara22]

Wow! Congratulations for being published!!! It is a wonderful achievement, with or without ISBN. Do you know the title of the book?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( TJ )))))))))

[Rohag]

Great to "see" you, ToeJam!

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Therapist questioned my medication a few weeks back (in particular Sodium Valproate as a mood stabiliser) as being an odd choice and showed me it's uses in her medicinal dictionary... she mentioned that through her 25 years of experience, I was the only client she knew who didn't have epilepsy, to be put on it. Well, I didn't personally notice any change but I stopped taking it and my wife had a bit of yell at me when she found out I passed on a note written by my T to my cpn who said he'll bring it up with the p-docs with regards to a review.

I was on Sodium Valproate for several years despite not having a formal diagnosis of epilepsy or temporal lobe epilepsy. The prescription was made by neurologists on the basis of my myoclonus and "episodes". My pdoc said that the psychiatric community occasionally employs Sodium Valproate as a mood stabiliser.

Long-term use of this drug, however, not only contributed to significant weight gain but also put stress on my liver, which was confirmed by a liver biopsy. Tell your wife I strongly support your decision to get along without this particular medication. In my case, Clonazepam serves almost the same functions with fewer dangers.

The number and length of your posts, messages, etc. have no bearing on the well-established place of esteem you hold for me.

Congratulations on your poetic publication!

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, great to have you back!!!

And title or no title, everyone's part of the community (here's the LAST place there should be discrimination by anyone, right??!!! ) and we care about you, want to know how it's going and want to be here to support you. So keep on posting, yes??!!
And real sorry you've been finding things so hard, thank you for letting us in on that, hoping we can help just a bit

About the assessment............yes some of those traits can overlap with Aspergers, so just treat them as traits for now until you know a bit more, hey?? And work on what makes things a bit easier for you. After all two people with Aspergers can have a similar trait whereas what helps one person with that might not help another person. Often going to be some things that interlink/help most people but you're still an individual right??!! So a bit of experimentation maybe, like when you've found earphones work for you in some situations??

And the medication..........well they're discovering new benefits/uses for all kinds of different medications now and using them where they may not have previously so might be the case there. If it works and limited side effects great, but if not then more to try
Make sure you raise any queries/concerns with your pdoc though, no just taking yourself off it!!!
If you're going to be coming off it, I'd say to gradually come off it or change it under the pdoc's guidance.

And you know I'm going to be telling you that talking about SI and suicidal ideation is NOT complaining or moaning, right??
It's hurting, it's real, it matters!!! So please keep on talking with us if things are hard.

And getting your poems published!!!!! Scratch that "nothing special" right now!!!! That is awesome!!!!!! GO YOU!!!!!!!



Alison

[ToeJam]

Thank you for all of the messages of support and advice

Saw my cpn today and had a candid chat about things.... now the following is my fault, I am analytical, I know a fair bit about psychology (grad level, specializing in the critical analysis) so bringing up my concerns and having a deep conversation about it was as like to shoot myself in the foot as much as reassure me since 'ignorance being bliss' can in fact be 'bliss'

Anyway, he confirmed much of what I had previously thought and it's heightened my confusion that little bit more + piled on more distrust of the system:

Told him about the medication issue and he advised that meds are often prescribed on personal preference by p-docs due to their own experience... and much like diagnosis, can differ from p-doc to p-doc (I knew this already but I'd hoped there had been some standardisation since the time I studied it nigh on 20 years back).

As for personality disorder he said (and followed it up with 'the department that assesses would probably stretch me over hot coal for doing so') that in his opinion 'personality disorders' are given to people by health professionals due to being difficult... and is a form of discrimination and pigeon holing patients into comfortable criteria that should they argue against it can be countered with 'well of course you'd say that, it's part of your disorder'. This is why many mental health professionals do not like to put labels on others since it dehumanises them.... you are no longer dealing with them as a person but as a category.

Again, I knew this though had blocked it out as best I could since I just want to start moving forward... but it does go to show the little battles that occur within the system itself

Decided to post here since I could hardly speak to anyone else irl about it and I could feel the pressure pot starting to push up the steam... exception would be my wife but she is very stressed at the moment and coming down with some bug (had an ofsted inspection at her school which she did well in and a few other high pressure situations to deal with and it's caught up with her).

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, well I've got to say that it's good you're feeling you can open up to/chat with your cpn.......... I think??!!
But perhaps have a think about what you've come away from the conversation with a little more.........the confusion.........well you know you've heard all those opinions about meds and diagnosis's before (plenty of times?) and you know you have your own specific opinions/views in areas too, right??
While it is good to stay open-minded and people should stay open-minded, try hold on to/find what you feel is right or closer to the truth in your mind. And whether your opinions blend with/overlap or completely differ from what you're hearing try not to be led into or away from what you feel. A little more faith in what you feel and just a little less confusion, maybe???

One definite for me though, I do reckon there is a lot more standardization in diagnosis's than 20 years ago and a lot more recognition of some "symptoms"............always going to be room for interpretation by some professionals though............!!!



Alison

Nice to see you TJ although obviously would be nicer under better circumstances For the record, I was also on sodium valproate for most of this year, and never diagnosed with epilepsy. Only reason I'm not now is because I stopped all my meds (oops ) Try not to let all the assessments and different diagnoses get to you. You are still you, whatever label you are given doesn't change that. Just hopefully it will lead to better treatment for you so that you are more able to manage the bad times.