I am unhappy, I don't know why, things have been going better than usual for me, I think I should be happy. but there's just 'something' missing, and It's not love or company. There is emptiness in me. I never asked to be born.

I'm worried because I don't see things getting any better for me, I fear it's gonna get worse with age until it all comes to an end for me. I cried a little earlier today for no reason whatsoever. Why? I had an afternoon nap like usual, I woke up and I cried for like 5 minutes, I'm kind of scared. all I know is that I never asked to be born.

[Anxious Minds]

I can really see the loneliness in your post. Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough day.

Why do you think there is emptiness in you? I also found it intriguing that you said you never asked to be born twice. I'm curious as to why you say that.

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

I can really see the loneliness in your post. Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough day.

Why do you think there is emptiness in you? I also found it intriguing that you said you never asked to be born twice. I'm curious as to why you say that.

I just noticed that too.

My posts can be a mess, Half-way through my post, I must have forgotten I had already written that part about not wanting to be born. So I must have written it again.

I start off writing huge walls of text, only to delete most of it out of guilt, sometimes my threads can be incoherent or repetitive.

As for the emptiness, I don't know. I feel like I want something and I don't really know what this something is.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I just noticed that too.

My posts can be a mess, Half-way through my post, I must have forgotten I had already written that part about not wanting to be born. So I must have written it again.

I start off writing huge walls of text, only to delete most of it out of guilt, sometimes my threads can be incoherent or repetitive.

As for the emptiness, I don't know. I feel like I want something and I don't really know what this something is.

Per the part of not wanting to be born, I was speaking to more about what inside you makes you feel that way. It's no accident (at least I don't think so) that that cropped up twice in your post. Might be some value to think about it to help you sort things out (if you're willing).

I can relate to that wanting something and not knowing what it is. It makes you wonder if when you actually had it, you'd even know if you had it. Kinda weird to think about. A good place to start might be to think about when that empty feeling comes around. When does that feeling creep up on you?

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

Per the part of not wanting to be born, I was speaking to more about what inside you makes you feel that way. It's no accident (at least I don't think so) that that cropped up twice in your post. Might be some value to think about it to help you sort things out (if you're willing).

I can relate to that wanting something and not knowing what it is. It makes you wonder if when you actually had it, you'd even know if you had it. Kinda weird to think about. A good place to start might be to think about when that empty feeling comes around. When does that feeling creep up on you?

I think about Life and/or Death most of the time.

This empty feeling is always there, varies in intensity depending on what I'm doing. This feeling of emptiness gets worse when I think about 'growing up', I don't feel like I'm growing up emotionally, because I haven't figured out a thing. My life's come to a standstill.

I feel so different to people around me, I have no interest in relationships, friendships, partying or any of the good stuff like that. I feel lonely sometimes, but I don't want company.

I'm not growing up emotionally, yet my body grows, I'm growing up on the outside, and that's what people see, and they expect me to be what I am on the outside when it's not really who I am. I think for me to 'grow up', I have to do things differently from most people. I think I have to find myself. but then what? I wonder.

I do feel like something's wrong with me sometimes. Why do I avoid human contact so much when everyone wants the same? I don't want to be in a 'relationship' with anyone, I don't want to bond, why? I feel like a robot with no emotions. I'm so numb.

[Clara22]

Could you describe happiness for me? I have been thinking of it but I do not know what happiness is

Originally Posted by Clara22

Could you describe happiness for me? I have been thinking of it but I do not know what happiness is

I wonder if I was ever happy in my life, but I guess I was 'neutral' at some point in my childhood.

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I wonder if I was ever happy in my life, but I guess I was 'neutral' at some point in my childhood.

Exactly. If there was never a "frame of reference", you'll never know what it is. Same thing happened to me - don't know what happiness is. It is partly because I don't know my own feelings.

[Clara22]

But we imagine happiness in some way, otherwise we could not say we are "unhappy". I mean, if we do not know what happiness is, how do we know we are unhappy?

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I think about Life and/or Death most of the time.

This empty feeling is always there, varies in intensity depending on what I'm doing. This feeling of emptiness gets worse when I think about 'growing up', I don't feel like I'm growing up emotionally, because I haven't figured out a thing. My life's come to a standstill.

I feel so different to people around me, I have no interest in relationships, friendships, partying or any of the good stuff like that. I feel lonely sometimes, but I don't want company.

I'm not growing up emotionally, yet my body grows, I'm growing up on the outside, and that's what people see, and they expect me to be what I am on the outside when it's not really who I am. I think for me to 'grow up', I have to do things differently from most people. I think I have to find myself. but then what? I wonder.

I do feel like something's wrong with me sometimes. Why do I avoid human contact so much when everyone wants the same? I don't want to be in a 'relationship' with anyone, I don't want to bond, why? I feel like a robot with no emotions. I'm so numb.

It's interesting to me that the feeling of growing up is what makes you feel more empty. But I can see what you are saying about how you feel lonely at times, but don't want company. I bet that creates a lot of conflict (I know it does for me when it happens). You feel emotionless, but there is a part of you that wants that human contact because you feel that loneliness.

What do you think it is about growing up that causes that feeling?

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

It's interesting to me that the feeling of growing up is what makes you feel more empty. But I can see what you are saying about how you feel lonely at times, but don't want company. I bet that creates a lot of conflict (I know it does for me when it happens). You feel emotionless, but there is a part of you that wants that human contact because you feel that loneliness.

What do you think it is about growing up that causes that feeling?

I haven't figured that out yet.

maybe it's the fear that I'll lose my health and my mind? I fear that I will change into a very different person.

Also I'm kinda worried that I don't have the same urges and ambition as other people my age have.

I just need a little more time to gather my thoughts and describe how I feel this way and why I feel this way. I'm going offline, but I will be back soon. Thank you everyone.

[Idiot17]

Originally Posted by Clara22

But we imagine happiness in some way, otherwise we could not say we are "unhappy". I mean, if we do not know what happiness is, how do we know we are unhappy?

I don't use the terminology of happy or unhappy because as you say I don't know what that is. It's more like content, are you content with your life and circumstances. Or satisfied versus happy.

(((((Clara))))
(((((Broken)))))

Originally Posted by Clara22

But we imagine happiness in some way, otherwise we could not say we are "unhappy". I mean, if we do not know what happiness is, how do we know we are unhappy?

That's a huge problem for me. I am unhappy because I have learned from observation and rejection by others that my life has not worked out well when I consider what other people have apparently achieved. If it were just me, I would never know. I don't think I was ever happy or unhappy (no frame of reference) until I learned that I should probably be in the unhappy camp about my life in general.

[Clara22]

Thanks a lot guys! I always wonder how much social representations of happiness influence in our own perception of happiness or content. Like if there were a social prescription of what happiness should be and we feel we don't adjust. I am not minimizing our depression particularly our biological component but I wonder how much these social prescriptions contribute to our perception of unhappiness. Same thing when we feel that we are not like the others and then we feel there is something wrong with us. I do not know in fact if the way the majority of people live today is really OK, is it?

Originally Posted by Idiot17

I don't use the terminology of happy or unhappy because as you say I don't know what that is. It's more like content, are you content with your life and circumstances. Or satisfied versus happy.

(((((Clara))))
(((((Broken)))))

I am not content, but I don't think I'm a failure. There's a 'void' or emptiness inside me that makes me feel hollow. I am grateful for what I have, I think I should be happy, but I'm not.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Thanks a lot guys! I always wonder how much social representations of happiness influence in our own perception of happiness or content. Like if there were a social prescription of what happiness should be and we feel we don't adjust. I am not minimizing our depression particularly our biological component but I wonder how much these social prescriptions contribute to our perception of unhappiness. Same thing when we feel that we are not like the others and then we feel there is something wrong with us. I do not know in fact if the way the majority of people live today is really OK, is it?

I think the difference between me and the others I see around me is that they are 'searching' for happiness, and if they think they're unhappy, they have a reason for it. I have no reason, nor am I really trying to feel better.

A few years ago I had dreams, I wanted to make something out of my life. I was depressed but I genuinely believed that I could turn myself around and be 'happy', now I longer feel that way, It's like I've given up. I hate it because I make my family unhappy. I can hide my unhappiness when I'm around my friends, but not when I'm with my family. My depression makes them depressed, and hence I stay away and avoid contact with my family.

How long can I keep going feeling this way all the time?

Originally Posted by brokenentity

How long can I keep going feeling this way all the time?

I don't know. I've been feeling that way for years now. I don't think there's a time limit unfortunately.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I think the difference between me and the others I see around me is that they are 'searching' for happiness, and if they think they're unhappy, they have a reason for it. I have no reason, nor am I really trying to feel better.

Yeah, that's the worst part of depression...there is no reason for it to exist but it does. I'm coming to understand, after wrestling with depression for years, that it's more a product of environmental influence on the brain than anything else. For example, the changing of the seasons and lack of sunlight can trigger it and/or make it worse.

I'm only learning now that there are some physical factors that I can control that seem to have worked in getting rid of it. For example, I have stopped consuming caffeine (haven't had caffeine since July) and have been drinking only water (and limiting stuff like chocolate, which has trace amounts of caffeine in it). I've started taking fish oil vitamins daily and a multivitamin. I've cut out most of the greasy foods I used to eat and drink a smoothie daily. I now do work that I feel is important and makes me feel good about myself.

These things seem to have made the depression go away. I still get traces of those feelings from time to time, but when it comes on me it doesn't overwhelm me like it used to and I can usually pull away from it pretty quickly.

I would suggest trying those things for now and giving it a solid 2 months before deciding if they work or not.

[Clara22]

Hi,
I think depression erases motivation and that in many cases the way the brain works has to be with it.
But on the other hand I think different cultures look for different things. For example in our culture we pursue happiness while in other cultures their main goal is to achieve harmony, or not suffering, which is not the same

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
I think depression erases motivation and that in many cases the way the brain works has to be with it.
But on the other hand I think different cultures look for different things. For example in our culture we pursue happiness while in other cultures their main goal is to achieve harmony, or not suffering, which is not the same

This is like my culture. It's more about survival than happiness, and being grateful for what you have as others have it much worse. I am always going to be grateful for all that I have.

I do feel bad for wanting more, maybe I shouldn't want more, what exactly do I want? I don't know, but maybe I don't deserve 'more'.

My daily life is a lot of hard work. I have to take better care of my health but at the sametime, if I stop, I won't survive.

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

Yeah, that's the worst part of depression...there is no reason for it to exist but it does. I'm coming to understand, after wrestling with depression for years, that it's more a product of environmental influence on the brain than anything else. For example, the changing of the seasons and lack of sunlight can trigger it and/or make it worse.

I'm only learning now that there are some physical factors that I can control that seem to have worked in getting rid of it. For example, I have stopped consuming caffeine (haven't had caffeine since July) and have been drinking only water (and limiting stuff like chocolate, which has trace amounts of caffeine in it). I've started taking fish oil vitamins daily and a multivitamin. I've cut out most of the greasy foods I used to eat and drink a smoothie daily. I now do work that I feel is important and makes me feel good about myself.

These things seem to have made the depression go away. I still get traces of those feelings from time to time, but when it comes on me it doesn't overwhelm me like it used to and I can usually pull away from it pretty quickly.

I would suggest trying those things for now and giving it a solid 2 months before deciding if they work or not.

I much prefer the dark. I like living in stealth, it's sunlight that makes things worse for me, I feel like a sitting duck, I do have social anxiety, walking out the door requires a lot of mental preparation for me. I do get by, however, it doesn't stop me from doing what needs to be done.

At the moment, I'm only worried about taking care of my family, my mom, dad and brother. I've always felt like my life began and ends with them for some reason. I don't want to have kids, family, a relationship or anything of that sort... at all.. period... I feel very strange, I don't want love or intimacy. or stuff most human beings like.

I don't know how else to explain myself. I keep going back to the thought that I wish I wasn't born. I don't want to die. I know that life can be beautiful, but I don't want it. It's short, it's unpredictable, there are no guarantees.

[Clara22]

I was thinking a lot about the issue of unhappiness you raised then I remember once I felt happy. It was when I felt I belonged to something bigger, beyond myself.