[strangerinchi]

Hi, all. I guess this can go in this section of the site but I just wish I knew why I do the things I do, and why things are the way they are.
My whole life has been hard.
From childhood to now, I've had issues with the way I look, and how I'm perceived by others.

I've had issues with idealizations towards favorite teachers, favorite cousins and other ppl I thought were friends.

Enter into my 20s, and
had crushes on two different online dudes.
One stopped communication, the other I cut off, cuz he insulted something pertaining to me...

Enter in my mid 20s,...

for 3 years, I thought I was in love with yet another guy, but he turned out to be a bigger jerk than the guy I cut contact with (this guy played favoritism amongst online female friends and fans and treated one associate like crap sometimes and pretended to be, and still is, something he isn't) he wasn't/isn't a good person at all.

Basically, many online friends have come and gone, leaving me wondering what I did to deserve abandonment.

I feel like I don't have much of a purpose on this planet. I often wish I weren't born.

Worse of all, I feel like I'll never get better without meds because I tend to do things on impulse and I wish I knew why!?

And I feel meds would probably make things worse anyway and that the natural way of taking care of my feelings wont last.

I don't have much self worth/esteem and tend to look outside for acceptance and love, and if that's botched or taken away, I feel worthless.

I just feel like giving up on life, because it seems like I'll keep screwing up and when I'm not and actually doing right, I'll keep messing up.

[Still*here]

I think I know a little bit of how you feel. My self esteem comes from others. I only feel good about myself if I know that I have friends and guys are interested in me. People come and go. Even best friends leave. Sometimes quite painfully. People are fickle. I know that friends, guys, jobs, family and circumstances shouldn't dictate to us how we feel about ourselves, but they do. Most of us are affected by what people say and do to us.

Sometimes people come and go and you can't for the life of you figure out why they left. And not just one either. Maybe two or three. Nearly all at the same time. You start wondering if it's you. I've been there. I get scared. I feel impulsive. I have gotten myself into trouble. Then life changes. People come around again. Some leave, some stay.

But in the end, we all just want to be wanted, needed and loved.

Hang in there.

[BBB2]

Welcome.
I hope you'll feel able to talk to people here.

[strangerinchi]

Originally Posted by BBB2

Welcome.
I hope you'll feel able to talk to people here.

Thanks. =]

[Frankbtl]

Hi strangerinchi, welcome to PC!!!
What's kind of standing out to me is the amount of on-line contacts/friends you've had. Now nothing wrong with that, but maybe if you could try to start hooking up with more people "IRL" you might find a bit more commitment there?? Maybe it's your self esteem or maybe something else that's making that harder for you............but if you want to talk a bit more about it..............???
And you know online sometimes people can leave out bits about their lives when they're talking, so maybe for some of the friends who have left, it's a lot more about them than about you..........perhaps they've had things going on in their "personal" lives that you don't know about that have made them lose contact.......that can sometimes happen "IRL" too but.........doesn't have to be about you.
And the low self worth/esteem...........hey you take pride in the fact that you've cut off contact with those guys who didn't meet your standards!!! Good on you for holding out for better, for setting your own expectations and sticking by them!!! That's a real good pointer towards remembering your worth!!!
But while there's nothing wrong with valuing acceptance and love from others, maybe you could start by looking a little deeper inside for things you can value about yourself, reflect on some of the things you've achieved, things that have gone well, things you've overcome..........things you can feel good about in yourself??? Even make some lists????
I'm sure there are enough things to make at least one list Then keep on adding to it, OK??!!!
And maybe you might like to set yourself some targets..........??? Things you could do that may make you feel better about yourself??? And that could be something as simple as starting/learning a new activity/hobby.................to start with.
And maybe the lead on of a bit more confidence could help with some of the "messing up"...........if you're not "overthinking" things..............that's if you're actually messing up as much as you think . You know low self esteem can have you focusing a lot more on what you think you've done wrong, than what you do right. And don't forget everyone is going to mess up from time to time!!! No-one's perfect!!!

Alison

[strangerinchi]

Originally Posted by Still*here

I think I know a little bit of how you feel. My self esteem comes from others. I only feel good about myself if I know that I have friends and guys are interested in me. People come and go. Even best friends leave. Sometimes quite painfully. People are fickle. I know that friends, guys, jobs, family and circumstances shouldn't dictate to us how we feel about ourselves, but they do. Most of us are affected by what people say and do to us.

Sometimes people come and go and you can't for the life of you figure out why they left. And not just one either. Maybe two or three. Nearly all at the same time. You start wondering if it's you. I've been there. I get scared. I feel impulsive. I have gotten myself into trouble. Then life changes. People come around again. Some leave, some stay.

But in the end, we all just want to be wanted, needed and loved.

Hang in there.

Thanks ^^

[strangerinchi]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi strangerinchi, welcome to PC!!!
What's kind of standing out to me is the amount of on-line contacts/friends you've had. Now nothing wrong with that, but maybe if you could try to start hooking up with more people "IRL" you might find a bit more commitment there?? Maybe it's your self esteem or maybe something else that's making that harder for you............but if you want to talk a bit more about it..............???
And you know online sometimes people can leave out bits about their lives when they're talking, so maybe for some of the friends who have left, it's a lot more about them than about you..........perhaps they've had things going on in their "personal" lives that you don't know about that have made them lose contact.......that can sometimes happen "IRL" too but.........doesn't have to be about you.
And the low self worth/esteem...........hey you take pride in the fact that you've cut off contact with those guys who didn't meet your standards!!! Good on you for holding out for better, for setting your own expectations and sticking by them!!! That's a real good pointer towards remembering your worth!!!
But while there's nothing wrong with valuing acceptance and love from others, maybe you could start by looking a little deeper inside for things you can value about yourself, reflect on some of the things you've achieved, things that have gone well, things you've overcome..........things you can feel good about in yourself??? Even make some lists????
I'm sure there are enough things to make at least one list Then keep on adding to it, OK??!!!
And maybe you might like to set yourself some targets..........??? Things you could do that may make you feel better about yourself??? And that could be something as simple as starting/learning a new activity/hobby.................to start with.
And maybe the lead on of a bit more confidence could help with some of the "messing up"...........if you're not "overthinking" things..............that's if you're actually messing up as much as you think . You know low self esteem can have you focusing a lot more on what you think you've done wrong, than what you do right. And don't forget everyone is going to mess up from time to time!!! No-one's perfect!!!

Alison

I feel much better today, thanks. I guess I didn't mention RL ppl too. I always feel like its me that reaches out to them all the time but they reach out less of the time, which makes me wonder if I am a boring person and if I were about as popular as the said artist guy I cut loose from my contacts, would these ppl stick around.

*hugs back* and thx for ur imput.

[Anxious Minds]

Yeah, life can be a ***** sometimes. You keep putting yourself out there for people, and they keep letting you down. When you finally make a connection with someone, life gets in the way and something always seems to make it go away.

It sucks when you feel worthless. It sucks when you want to give up on life. It sucks when you search inside yourself for some modicum of self-esteem (or self- acceptance) only to turn away in disgust or resignation. I hear ya on all counts there.

It seems to me like, based on your post, these feelings are centered around the relationships you have with other people. You talk about liking guys, but I'd wager you probably have the same sort of issues with people of all types, right? Do you have any idea why that might be?

[strangerinchi]

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

Yeah, life can be a ***** sometimes. You keep putting yourself out there for people, and they keep letting you down. When you finally make a connection with someone, life gets in the way and something always seems to make it go away.

It sucks when you feel worthless. It sucks when you want to give up on life. It sucks when you search inside yourself for some modicum of self-esteem (or self- acceptance) only to turn away in disgust or resignation. I hear ya on all counts there.

It seems to me like, based on your post, these feelings are centered around the relationships you have with other people. You talk about liking guys, but I'd wager you probably have the same sort of issues with people of all types, right? Do you have any idea why that might be?

I actually have had a bf now, for 3 yrs, but yeah, these feelings have been here as far as I can remember, back to my childhood. Always seen as weird and strange to others, or I think I'm non-relatable to others because of interests.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by strangerinchi

I actually have had a bf now, for 3 yrs, but yeah, these feelings have been here as far as I can remember, back to my childhood. Always seen as weird and strange to others, or I think I'm non-relatable to others because of interests.

What sort of interests do you have that cause people to thing you're strange?

[Lexi232]

has anyone ever mentioned borderline personality disorder to you?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[strangerinchi]

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

What sort of interests do you have that cause people to thing you're strange?

I.e, when I was a kid, I was sort of spacey, into cartoons, while others gossipped. Think it was an aura about me they detected.
Nowadays, my interests have been added to.

[strangerinchi]

Originally Posted by Lexi232

has anyone ever mentioned borderline personality disorder to you?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've never been diagnosed =s