[Little Jay]

It probably sound like the most stupid thing in the world for someone who has a history of feeling suicidal and even an attempt or two, to come out and I have developed an all consuming terrifying fear of dying.

As soon as one panic attack is over, another soon follows because I'm literally sat here freaking myself out. I've been suicidal, but also terrified because I can't see anything past dying but darkness. I think back to before I was born and am overwhelmed by a feeling of complete emptiness and nothingness. Then I panic about what if you end up trapped inside you're body for all eternity? Buried in the ground inside a dead body, just replaying your thoughts in your head for the rest of eternity. I freak out so much I nearly pass out, or throw up.. all I can do is cry and rock myself through it.

My partner didn't help at all when I told him that i'd been thinking about it, his response was that because i've never been christened that I am "going to hell" - gee thanks! My parents aren't religious, and I've grown up surrounded by so many religions that how can I pick one! I told him that I don't pick, just in case I pick the "wrong one" - which he thought was absurd. So now i'm also panicking about what if he is right and I do end up in hell!

Then I think about all the terrible possibilities and I just can't deal with it. I don't know if this obsession and reaction is "normal", or if it's in any way worsened by my mental health problems. It can't be normal to not go to work one day and spend the day rocking and crying, and desperately trying to figure out the "meaning of life" and what will happen, as if somehow if I think and look into it enough that I can find the answer and not be scared / freaked out any more. I feel like i'm a ticking time bomb, and that I have to figure it out before I die just in case there's anything I need to do before it happens.

Then I wonder if I should save myself the years of freaking out, and if I should just end it all myself before anything terrible can happen to me that I can't control. But then what if the religions are right and I end up in hell because of it!? I seriously can't deal with all of this

[puzzclar]

Little Jay, you are not alone! Those fears are real. The important thing is to train your brain to think of all the good things in life. Its hard at first. I recommend writing out 3 things that you are grateful for. It sounds simple but for yhe first time it was hard for me. I am grateful for all the times that in a suicidal thought process that I was able to reach out for help. You are doing that already!
What can you use as a distraction? Music, dancing, exercise, talking to people either in person or online or phone, reading, holding something cold. Just to name a few.
That fear of dying has kept me alive and reaching for help. When that panic sets in reach for someone that is calm, do something that will ease the panic. Its hard the first few times but mastery of something takes practice and hard work. Its possible.
If guided meditation is an interest and you have a smartphone, I recommend an app called "Calm". Its helped me a lot and its a free app to just use. Or there is an online version that maybe helpful for you and others.

[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

I understand where you're coming from, and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. It is the unknown that we fear, because no one really knows for absolute certainty what happens after death. It is not silly for you to feel this way; many people are scared of dying and it's perfectly normal to fear death.

As a Christian who struggles with his faith, I believe that using hell in order to scare people into submission is one of the most irreligious things one can do. Not only is it controlling and abusive, but the idea of hell as a place of eternal torment was NOT in the original Bible at all. People, especially the Roman Catholic Church many hundred years ago, have twisted the Bible so much over the years that who knows what was originally written.

All the same, many people would miss your departure from this world if you committed suicide. I hope you continue posting and wish you well.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

It probably sound like the most stupid thing in the world for someone who has a history of feeling suicidal and even an attempt or two, to come out and I have developed an all consuming terrifying fear of dying.

Not stupid! It is a testimony to the complexity and mystery of the human mind.

Originally Posted by Little Jay

I don't know if this obsession and reaction is "normal", or if it's in any way worsened by my mental health problems.

I strongly suspect it is worsened by your mental state.

The search for meaning is basic and important. In another post, someone suggested Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl -- a classic work.

A "why" to live is an important tool in the struggle to survive. Conversely, the turmoil associated with seeking "why" can itself become a threat.

Please try to remain safe in these difficult days.

[Idiot17]

(((((Littlejay)))))

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

My partner didn't help at all when I told him that i'd been thinking about it, his response was that because i've never been christened that I am "going to hell" - gee thanks! My parents aren't religious, and I've grown up surrounded by so many religions that how can I pick one! I told him that I don't pick, just in case I pick the "wrong one" - which he thought was absurd. So now i'm also panicking about what if he is right and I do end up in hell!

Please don't allow someone else to push this fear-based dogma/ideology on you - it's damaging to the psyche & spirit. It sounds like he doesn't know any better. That is a reflection of HIS lack of awareness. True wisdom is not fear-based and does not revolve around any threats for non-compliance/conformity or for selecting the 'wrong' beliefs (or not following the 'right' cultural traditions).

When my Mom unexpectedly passed away 12+ years ago I soon found myself wanting to research, explore, and read about all matters pertaining to 'death' and the dying process. I found a lot of comfort in reading about Near-Death Experiences (NDE's) and over the years I have researched this subject matter extensively. I was going to recommend a website to you where you can read many different accounts and it also hosts a lot of summaries from various researchers who have researched this field (thanatology). But, I don't know if encouraging you to read about that is appropriate or not if you are experiencing suicide ideation. We are here to learn and to evolve (our consciousness/spirit), and we do not want to end our time here prematurely.

Please stick around Little Jay. You are loved whether you realize that right now or not. By others who relate to you on a spiritual/soul level and who empathize with what you're experiencing and going through because they (we) have been there too.

Your physical (egoic) mind is responsible for creating the fear and anxiety you are experiencing. The physical/egoic mind is a product of the physical body - your consciousness/spirit/energy exists independent of the influence of your physical/egoic mind.

"I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts.
I have emotions, but I am not my emotions.
I have a body, but I am not my body."

This awareness can be incredibly liberating when you internalize it because it allows you to create separation from the aspect of your psyche (your physical mind) which is responsible for creating the debilitating feelings/emotions. It just takes time to foster this awareness through ongoing contemplation and introspection.

I recall you had made a thread about looking for some 'self-help' book suggestions. You mentioned that 'When Panic Attacks' text, right? Are you still planning on pursuing this and doing some important reading/exploring? I hope that you are. It's really important to expand your awareness and to continue to seek ways to strengthen and refine your state of being. Try to conceptualize what you're dealing with as a "challenge" - something you need to work your way through and learn from. You are not alone in how you feel and you can and will navigate your way through this. Then you are going to look back and understand how going through such a life experience ended up having a transformative effect on your state of being.

Next time you find yoursel feeling anxious, try listening to some classical music. Here are 2 of my favorite collections:

Vivaldi - Cello Concertos

When you listen just try to relax your mind and focus your conscious attention on the sounds/harmonics/resonances of the classical instruments. You can also focus on your breathing (inhales & exhales). This will help calm your nerves and restore some balance to the two hemispheres of your brain instead of all your conscious energy fueling one area of your brain (the one that's responsing for fueling your anxious thoughts). Give it a try and report back friend.

Hang in there - you're going to get through this period of your life and come out on top.

[Little Jay]

You guys are all amazing to me!