[Derpdog]

Does anyone else feel almost... addicted... to their depression?
For example, I was recently prescribed Adderall for possible ADHD. I don't believe I truly have ADHD but my doctor thinks it's a possibility and suggested I take these pills, so I figured I had nothing to lose.
I took the first one last Thursday and within a few hours I felt amazing. I was in the best mood I've ever been in. Like a complete state of euphoria. I was talking to my parents, telling them things I would never dream of telling them normally (dumb things like how I was and talking to them like they were just normal people and not my parents (Idk why I just have always felt that I could not tell them anything about myself. That's a problem for another day though.))
I was honestly convinced that my whole life was changed and I was finally a normal person. The whole day though, I had this sick feeling of disappointment in the back of my head. I guess it could be described almost as buying your dream house off of your best friend, who is now moving across the world and you will never see them again. Not really the best example but I'm havin a hard time puttin words together rn.
Anyway, I was almost upset that I was no longer going to have depression, and that I would no longer sit up in my room with the door shut and the lights off playing bass and wishing I wasn't alive.
On other occasions I have felt the same way, like I get into a good mood but then remember I'm not supposed to be in good moods and force myself back into depression. But the other day was the most extreme, since the pills I was on would not let me force myself back into depression. I was able to ignore the "longing" for depression, but it was still there all day.

Either way, I got my wish because that was the only day these pills worked. Now they're making all my symptoms worse if anything. But that's for a different thread.

Back on topic: So does anyone else ever feel as if they're almost "addicted" to their depression? I guess it's kinda like a safety blanket. I like sitting here in my dark red and black painted room with the lights off and just my Christmas lights that I have hung around the room turned on so it's dimly lit, playing bass and guitar, browsing the internet to waste time, and texting my friends instead of being outside with them. It makes me feel safe, and it feels like it's where I should be, and where I need to be if I want to continue being me.

Sorry if this is kinda jumbled and confusing, as I said my pills are really messing with my head so I can't really think strait or get my words out clearly.

[tallulahxoxo]

OMG I can relate to the adderrall thing. I'm on it too. It's strange. I feel like I have glasses on now or something. I can see different. The world looks more vibrant and beautiful. I see the grass sway, the trees, and the beauty in people. I hug my mom every day. I want to do things. Sometimes I feel anxious though, well often. Something still feels not quite right. There's still a restlessness and unhappiness, but it's more in the back of my mind. It's less consuming. It's so strange. I feel like I'm back in life participating. I'm not used to it.

It's strange being okay and participating in life. It must be that we are not used to it anymore? ?

I personally do not know that my depression will ever disappear completely. For me, I feel, it may always linger. I feel it lingering now. But I haven't had a severe sad attack in awhile. (:

[Derpdog]

Originally Posted by SqrqhJean

OMG I can relate to the adderrall thing. I'm on it too. It's strange. I feel like I have glasses on now or something. I can see different. The world looks more vibrant and beautiful. I see the grass sway, the trees, and the beauty in people. I hug my mom every day. I want to do things. Sometimes I feel anxious though, well often. Something still feels not quite right. There's still a restlessness and unhappiness, but it's more in the back of my mind. It's less consuming. It's so strange. I feel like I'm back in life participating. I'm not used to it.
It's strange being happy and participating in life. It must be that we are not used to it anymore? ?

How long have you been on Adderall? I've had it 5 days, taken it 4 times with 1 day off yesterday. The only time I felt that way was Thursday. Every other day it just amplified my symptoms and added a few side effects, making me feel worse than I've ever been.
But yea I guess we just get used to being depressed.

[tony fudo]

I get where you are coming from. For myself, its as if when things go wrong, and I feel myself getting down about things, I have a compulsion, instead of trying to make things better, to almost wish that they would get worse. 'Come on life. I know its just a pile of crap. Let's be having it'. As if any other way of being in the world is just totally phoney, and to pretend otherwise is just self deception.

And of course, when you have been depressed for a long time, there is an element of security in this. What is the point in trying? You just end up back here, anyway.

Like you say, 'I'm not supposed to be in good moods, and force myself back into depression'.

I hope you get your medication sorted out, but it is important to really believe that you are as entitled as anyone else to be happy. It took me a long time to understand this and make it a reality. It was as if I was in a prison, but not really wanting or believing there was anything outside. For me, overcoming depression was largely about having the courage to 'do a runner' when the opportunity presented itself.

To the uninitiated it may seem nonsensical to talk about having the courage to escape depressive ways of thinking, but this was half the battle. The other half was getting whatever it took to point me in the right direction. For me, ultimately, this was by doing yoga, and other self help techniques as for various reasons medication and therapy had little success. Whatever, learning to give myself permission to be happy was a crucual step. Good luck.

[Derpdog]

@tony fudo
Yea I guess I should work on not wanting to be depressed.
Obviously I'll never get over it if I never want to get over it.

I guess this all ties in to my social anxiety and fear of breaking my norms.

Except I don't even know where to start reprogramming my brain.

I work out at least 4 nights a week, which is great for stress relief and confidence building,

I'm a black belt in Goju-Ryu so when my Lyme Disease permits it, I can defend myself.

I'm currently taking Tai Chi classes, mainly because until I get over Lyme I can't deal with the high impact martial arts, which is a very relaxing and calm activity, like yoga.

I don't have tons of friends but I have a tight group of really close friends who I can tell anything to, and I'll be going back to school (I took this last semester off) the end of this month, and I find it very easy to make friends at school, so that's not an issue either. (I know I'm kinda contradicting myself because I said I have social anxiety before but now I'm saying I can easily make friends, but I don't know somehow that works out lmao.)

I also play multiple instruments and am fortunate enough to own a decent sized collection with some really nice ones thrown in.

So yea, I know I'm not perfect, in fact I don't even think I'm good, but I think I do enough stuff that I should be happy.

But whatever. I'm sure eventually I'll grow out of it or something (19), or I'll find the right drug to sedate me so I don't realize how awful everything is and I live in ignorant bliss.

[tony fudo]

Its good that you do so much stuff to help yourself. You are giving yourself every chance, it seems.

Sorry to hear about your Lyme Disease. It's something I dread getting as I spend time camping in wild areas where getting bitten by ticks is not uncommon. Good luck with that.

I find this site very useful as a way of communicating with others with similar backgrounds. I have been largely free of depression for a while after suffering 'downs' going back more years than I care to remember. The occasional wobble, but on the whole, pretty good. I think it is important for me to be aware if I feel I'm on a slippery slope! At least if I do get down, I'll have this resource to hand to help me back up. A bit of an insurance policy.

[tallulahxoxo]

I've been on adderral for about a week.
I'm sorry it's not helping you. /:
As for "reprogramming your brain"..
I have a book recommendation. (:
Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, the 1969 version
It's like $5 on amazon, honestly that book changed my life, I read it like four times.

[Derpdog]

Originally Posted by SqrqhJean

I've been on adderral for about a week.
I'm sorry it's not helping you. /:
As for "reprogramming your brain"..
I have a book recommendation. (:
Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, the 1969 version
It's like $5 on amazon, honestly that book changed my life, I read it like four times.

I'm gonna give it another week I heard sometimes it does weird stuff for some people.
And thanks I'll look the book up. Probably won't buy or read it, but I'll look at whatever can be looked at online. Not much of a reader and I don't really care about beating depression.
Thanks though.
Glad yours is workin for you hope it keeps workin.

[tallulahxoxo]

Cool. I hope it works out for you. The adderall does feel strange but I like it better than being suicidal.