[HopelessDepression]

Why it took me this long? For many years I hadn't realized I was depressed enough to seek medical help. Now that I did, I am currently seeing a therapist that has no respect for me and shames me, so I am seeking another therapist but I have no trust in psychotherapy anymore sad to say. My parents shame me to no end, blaming me for their issues, and my dad (divorced my mom) recently cut most contact from me (we've used to see eachother every week). My mom, who I love very much, and was once a very loving person, is getting less and less affectionate and more and more hostile, blaming ME for her issues, and every now and then she would really explode (raise her voice to the highest possible) over almost nothing and tells me all kinds of cruel words, and wonders why I am so sensitive. You can't be sensitive if you're around her receiving her anger, but I am and it only adds more straw on the camel's back.

I also have absolutely no friends, and the family members that once loved me no longer wants a thing to do with me. The last one that loved me reconsidered that today when she was spending three nights at my home. What caused that was my loss of control over myself and threw myself into a verbal tantrum that is worse than anything she has heard. No longer she will ever want to see the ugly demonic monstrous beast in a human's body that I am. My mom got angry with me for that, too. I keep making problems, and I keep getting worse as the days go by. My future looks more and more bleak as the days go by. As of today, I am prescribed on medication beginning with a small dosage, so if that works, then it will allow me to cope with a bleak, hopeless life of hostility and very little love, if any.

So here I am, a complete worthless wreck with so much mess that I have no idea how to clean up. I have no hope, just anger, frustration, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, darkness, and reliance on artificial brain chemicals that control my moods in this mental prison.

And I've abandoned my faith in god, as well as belief in him.

[kaliope]

hi hopelessdepression
i was depressed for over 30 years before i got help. i had to resort to chemicals too and was very resentful of that but they saved my life. totally turned it around. its amazing how different life is now. not all therapists are bad. you just have to keep trying until you find the right fit and then its great. dont give up. and i have done fine without god forever. as far as i am concerned he abandoned me. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[afeelingd]

Hello. I almost abandoned my faith. I was molested by a dad's friend. There was no god there, no god to protect me, no god to stop him. But, after a while I realized that god doesn't stop people's free will. Which sucks like poo but that's how it is.

Ultimately, what happens to you shapes you. How will you deal with your depression friend? I only live for the sake of people who love me out of obligation and to strike vengence on those who stole my innocence and my happiness.

I pretty sure that you will find words of wisdom though. I hope I do too.

[HopelessDepression]

I don't deserve any support or kindness from anywhere but I appreciate it. I used to strive to be good enough, to be a good person, but everything I do is a waste and only backfires.

I was striving to be a "good person," I've never hacked a computer, never browsed adult sites (until now), I never bullied anyone at school, never did any street drugs, never was violent against another individual, had a strong sense of right and wrong, but whoopee, none of that paid off. Now I completely lost my conscience. I still know right from wrong, but no longer giving a **** because strong guilt and shame ate my entire spirit alive. Now I am demoralized, lost all sense of myself, even lost complete interest in being loved.

My mental health is at a very steep decline like never before, and I feel like I will eventually commit some heinous felony if nothing gets better. And people say sociopaths are born and not created? I developed from a good, moral person to a devious freak.

I am just a complete moral failure. I used to be a good person with a strong sense of morals and strive to be good enough, but that all went to waste. Now I am in despair and darkness, wallowing in the torments of guilt and shame with no ray of hope. Nobody in the real world understands, just blames me all the more. I don't deserve any support but I really desire it and appreciate it.

[healingme4me]

I'm pretty certain there's a crisis number listed, for those that are feeling a tendency to lash out as your post describes.

That said....losing a family relationship is a loss worthy of grief support. It's really awful to have a therapist that would shame, instead of offer compassion. There's group therapy, DBT, it's mindfulness techniques. Growing up with dysfunction can lead to an overreacting temperament, there is help available.

Accepting psych meds, needn't feel like the end of the world, and needn't be permanent.

I hope you are able to find the support here, that you need.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[FallingTears]

Hopeless Depression
Don't lash out!
Reach out!
Please go to a doctor or a hospital and take yr posts with you if u can't speak.
You sound very hurt and upset and there are people who can help you!
Any environment sounds better then yr home environment so reach out!
There has to be SOMEONE who will understand you!

[vital]

Originally Posted by HopelessDepression

Why it took me this long? For many years I hadn't realized I was depressed enough to seek medical help. Now that I did, I am currently seeing a therapist that has no respect for me and shames me, so I am seeking another therapist but I have no trust in psychotherapy anymore sad to say. My parents shame me to no end, blaming me for their issues, and my dad (divorced my mom) recently cut most contact from me (we've used to see eachother every week). My mom, who I love very much, and was once a very loving person, is getting less and less affectionate and more and more hostile, blaming ME for her issues, and every now and then she would really explode (raise her voice to the highest possible) over almost nothing and tells me all kinds of cruel words, and wonders why I am so sensitive. You can't be sensitive if you're around her receiving her anger, but I am and it only adds more straw on the camel's back.

I also have absolutely no friends, and the family members that once loved me no longer wants a thing to do with me. The last one that loved me reconsidered that today when she was spending three nights at my home. What caused that was my loss of control over myself and threw myself into a verbal tantrum that is worse than anything she has heard. No longer she will ever want to see the ugly demonic monstrous beast in a human's body that I am. My mom got angry with me for that, too. I keep making problems, and I keep getting worse as the days go by. My future looks more and more bleak as the days go by. As of today, I am prescribed on medication beginning with a small dosage, so if that works, then it will allow me to cope with a bleak, hopeless life of hostility and very little love, if any.

So here I am, a complete worthless wreck with so much mess that I have no idea how to clean up. I have no hope, just anger, frustration, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, darkness, and reliance on artificial brain chemicals that control my moods in this mental prison.

And I've abandoned my faith in god, as well as belief in him.

Hi HopelessDepression,

Here is my best advice as an overall plan for depression

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4162657-post74.html

There are lots of things to try that are great for your health. Get active and try things on your own.

One way of coping with the awfulness of depression is to romanticize what you're going through. Watch out for that. It's a trap that will keep you passive and helpless. If you can get yourself active and make one step on the upward path, you'll feel so great.

- vital