[Christina86]

I am so sick of crying at the drop of the hat. If I make it more than 2 days without bursting into tears, I consider it a good day!

My appointment (first ever) with a psychiatrist went well - he actually told me that he believed I was clinically depressed. Well isnt that all fine and dandy, add a label to my forehead and then what?!

I know I'm not supposed to care about other people if it negatively impacts my life, but guess what? My roomate's in the hospital again, as of yesterday. I'm now alone AGAIN in residence. I can't be alone, it doesnt work well with me. I go insane, and it makes my crying more likely. I hate worrying about whether or not she's going to be there forever or wind up dying (which she could potentially because of her health problems)

My family is visiting relatives this weekend, and they didn't invite me. They only told me they were going so I "wouldn't worry". They dont want me around, FINE.

Academically I'm so screwed because I should have been studying for an exam today. I was supposed to go to church. I slept in. I've been doing that a lot lately.

I have enough physical symptoms of stress, and they're making me very cranky/moody/irritable/tired/weepy. School is trying to smother me. My mother wants me to take summer classes. She thinks I shouldnt even go on vacation, I've been in school NON-STOP since September 2005!

I can't eat, I can't sleep. If I try, I feel sick when I eat, and if I sleep then I have nightmares or toss and turn or feel awful the next day.

I'm sick of thinking about bad things, and I don't want to slip up and start SIng again, but I stopped drinking (pretty much) for my friends and now I dont have any other way to cope.

My therapist is leaving after next week, so I have ONE more session with him FOREVER.

My friends are graduating in June, and most are leaving the country.

I don't have energy to do anything but complain, and I know it's not constructive. I know, I'm "choosing" to be miserable. Choosing negativity, that's the type of person I am. I refuse to be optimistic in the face of the fact my entire life seems crappy.

I hate dealing with the past bad thing that happened to me (I talked about it Abuse a week or so ago). I dont know how to deal with all of this right now.

Now I want to go crawl into bed and stay there. But no, cant do that.

Grrrrrrrr... thank you for letting me vent.

[(JD)]

Exposing bad memories can have a bad reaction too... such as what you are experiencing... kind of like the generalized anxiety disorder..only it's generalized crabbiness disorder? no... not really... but it can make one feel out of sorts....for a while.

Be easy on yourself. Push yourself if you can, but in small time increments. Tell yourself, you will get up and study for 15 minutes, and then do so. Do your best.

Lots of students lose a semester of credit due to not being able to cope... life goes on... you recover the courses one way or the other... etc. Try not to catastrophize... you aren't "screwed" academically. You do have many ways to cope, so choose some good ones. Try to distract your mind off yourself and your bad thoughts... but not necessarily with studies! My that's a long time without a break

I'm sorry your T is leaving. I hope you aren't feeling abandoned.

Hopefully the Pdoc will continue to be alert and help you.

[MamazAngel]

(((((((((((CANDERS))))))))))))))
Hang in there!

<3,
MamazAngel

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((((((Sky)))))))))))))))

I am feeling abandoned ... well, by everyone. However irrational. I hate dealing with stress on top of everything else. I'll try to not catastrophize so much I guess. Its just like a chain reaction in my brain though. Okay, I'm odd.

(((((((((Sky)))))))))))))) thanks for replying

[Christina86]

Thanks for the hug ((((((((((MamazAngel))))))))))))

[greenpunkergirl]

in all reality, yea, you do have a lot of stress, and I can understand that, but the fact of the matter is, you aren't too bad off. Look at your poor roomie, and thank god you aren't in her shoes. And yea, being alone sux, so make new friends, or get a boy toy, just don't rush into a reletionship. In time, you'll feel better......or at least that's what I keep telling myself........and being clinicly depressed isn't so bad. Just get on some meds so it doesn't get out of control. Ttic!

gpg.......

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

I suppose you're right, although my roomate absolutely loves the attention she gets when she's sick - especially in hospital because she gets to boss people around. She loves that.

Sucky thing about the friends is that I've got lots, it's just the fact it's almost exam period - everyone gets very scarce. I need a boy toy though

Will see about meds, maybe or maybe not.

Thanks

[Christina86]

Thanks for the hug as always my friend.

(((((((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))))))

Hope to catch up with you soon, I've missed you!

[EJ711]

Hi Christina,

With a diagnosis of clinical depression you are entitled to complain. Complaining is one of the signs that a person is depressed.

Did the psychiatrist talk about maybe prescribing you something to help with the depression you have had for a very long time now.

It is totally sad when other people are leaving, and you are staying behind. Be patient and your turn will come, even though right now it doesn't feel that way.

Love,

Jane

[Christina86]

((((((((((Jane))))))))))))) My wonderful friend, thanks

He said we'd determine this week if I need to see him on a regular basis. If he thinks he needs to see more frequently, I'm almost sure he'll prescribe medication in the process.

I really wish people wouldn't leave. They're all my mentors and older friends, and when they leave - guess who'll be one of the older people in the chaplaincy on campus (and amongst the students there)? ME. That's scary.

Thanks Jane.

i hope you do see the Pdoc regularly. i think you need it. i need it. and we're both nuts........

you're going to be better......we all have *&^%$&@#$ times and dig our way out for the umpteenth time. i have a handy shovel that you know you can borrow...........love you, pat

[Christina86]

(((((((((Pat)))))))))))

Will see what the wonderful pdoc says. Its odd, I'd love to be able to see him, but on the scale of 'necessity' i'm not exactly near the top. I do admit I'm nuts though

I may be borrowing that shovel of yours

Love ya ((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

Okay I' m being whiney and self-centred again - scream at me if I'm being annoying. I won't be upset.

I can't do this right now. I just want to stop crying. Please just make it stop. This is what? the umpteenth time today that I'm in tears over absolutely nothing.

***TRIGGER****

Now all I want to do is cut. My muscles aren't obeying me right now. If my muscles dont' stop shaking I'll do it just to make them stop. I just want this anxiety and the crying and the wanting to cut to STOP.

NOW. %#@&#!.

[Juliana]

I won't scream at you. I'm way more whiney and self-centre than you.

Is there something you can do to distract yourself? Read a book? Watch a movie? Paint your nails? Just something to distract yourself until the urge to cut passes?

(((Canders))))

[Christina86]

Sounds like a contest challenge to me!

Thanks (((((((((((((Juliana)))))))))) for just responding. I feel very very isolated right now. blah.

I'd do any of that but I can't concentrate on reading and the movies I have would be more triggerish. (I have a "thing" for horror movies) Thanks for the suggestions regardless.

*possible trig*

I'll try to be good but I dont know how much longer I can put up with being me ... I just need to stop shaking. Just need to get ahold of myself. Argh. I'm patthetic. I wish I could slap myself out of this.

[lenjan]

(((((((Christina)))))) sounds like we are fighting the same battle right now with cutting -- maybe we can try to beat it for each other. Sometimes that helps when you don't feel like doing it for yourself.

Love, Candy

[Juliana]

I could out-whine you any day.

Do you feel like you're shaking on the inside too? I hate that feeling. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I have a thing for horror movies too, unfortunately. Not the best idea when you're feeling the way you are. Distraction usually works best for me. Can you think of anything that will occupy your mind and get you through this? Do you have any Ativan or something you could take to zonk yourself out a bit?

[Christina86]

Okay Candy. You're on.

((((((((((Candy)))))))))))) thanks.

[Christina86]

Never argue with Christina, I'm a mean old stuborn something-or-other. hehe

I am... it's been worse though, but I'm waiting for it to get bad. I don't have any drugs except for some Valerian root, and I'd take it but I dont' want to be dizzy and I dont want to sleep.

Thanks (((((((((Juliana))))))))))) you're awesome

I won't even pretend to understand all of your feelings and the problems you are facing. I can related to the emptiness, hopeless, etc. etc. that results in tears running down your face for absolutely no reason what so ever.

"They" diagnose you as suffering from depression and I say Soooooooo?????

I can't really provide you with any easy fix for the crying spells but physical exercise helps. My solution to crying is to go outside and dig in my backyard. (I live in south Florida where temps rarely go below 40)

Just imagine a 250 pound fat lady digging holes all over her backyard.



"They" tell me things will get better. I'm still trying to figure out when.

[Christina86]

Will try some exercise thanks ((((((((((keb6137)))))))))) and thanks for your thoughts. It helps.