[ChristianaX]

Hello everyone,

This is long and with tons of issues. it may contain triggering issues on the topic of

Possible trigger:

suicidal ideation and domestic violence.

I've always been depressed and/or anxious as long as I can remember. I remember when I was too young to feel "depression" as I currently do, but I can identify that I must have been anxious as young because most of my memories are bad and often traumatic ones.

I am wondering if I could possibly find some support on this site because I am in such a bad crisis right now, and it's so complicated.

Basically, my husband has lung cancer and we have had a really difficult marriage for years.

The guilt is tremendous, or shall I describe it as regret in wasted years. He told me not long ago that he regrets wasting 14 years to marital strife because he can't be more patient with me and kinder. He said. that he thinks he does not deserve me and was crying. I reassured him and continue to reassure him that I love him and I am there for him.

The good news is that we are able to talk and to feel a shared sensitivity and compassion unlike how we felt in many of the previous years. But there is a sense of years lost, and also the complications of how much we have fought, and why, and also I have to say... the complicating factor of my infidelity towards him online.

I started to cheat on my husband about 8 years ago after I finally was absolutely sure I wanted a divorce. He had an early incident, while my daughter was still just a small infant, of bruising her through his loss of temper. I never reported him because she was fine after she stopped crying, but it changed literally everything after he lost his temper and hurt our baby.

I felt like I could never forgive him. I lost my faith, as at the time we were church attending at MY instigation. I had led us to church I believe mainly in the hope it may help him to change and become less angry. It didn't help that much, although it did seem to stop his physical escalation against ME. See, he had taken to shoving me around when we argued, when we are first married. Then he started to grab and squeeze my arms or my hands. One time he squeezed my hands so hard while we were arguing that my fingernail broke high up on the nail bed. I felt an escalation occurring then. It was terrible really, to have the nail broken that high up and I felt this was him just beginning a physical assault with shoving, grabbing to bruise, etc.

So it put me in a dark place when I saw how he actually didn't improve in his faith, but he had bruised our daughter right while we were supposedly trying to follow God. I remember also so many times when we were driving out of the church parking lot, and he was turning to scream at me while driving. People in front of church saw it, and I was totally feeling humiliated. Unfortunately at church, we didn't feel comfortable talking to the Pastors.

The turmoil you can't imagine, of feeling the lack of forgiveness and self doubt if I even chose the right thing to do! I just kept living to care for my daughter and I found myself starting to not care about anything. I didn't want to take care of the house. I didn't want to get a shower or dress (Remember I was in the shower when this happened). I let my house get sloppy and dirty for years, and my looks were slipping into becoming what I feel is like a ghost of what I was in the past.

Ok maybe I was defensive there to explain myself first before I talk about my infidelity, but I feel pretty bad about it. I started at first doing some online chats only, like friendly chats, as well as some roleplay that had a sexy component. I didn't think I was cheating on him necessarily at first, until I started to actually cyber with the men I roleplayed with too. I felt that it was a way to see if I even felt sexual at all anymore, since I generally just felt numb and resentful in a hidden way towards my husband (therefore our sex life was very infrequent).

Then I met a man who was 15 years younger than me. At this time I had become disgusted with the men in the roleplay and their macho attitudes. I had decided that I should find a man who was more submissive in nature. I enjoy a man who is more sensitive and enjoys a strong willed woman, which actually is my natural personality. I like to be outgoing, to lead in the bedroom a lot (but not always), etc.

I was living as what felt like domestic slavery at times while seeking out online a man who would make me feel like a goddess. After I met F., it became my daily habit to live through the online time we shared together. He was not a man interested in D/s at all, he said, but he was open. THis has become a 5 years long relationship totally lived out online only. We voice chat and cam, but we never met in person ever.

He did not know I was married until last year. I lied to F. for a long time about my marital status because I felt so much shame about how I was not willing to make those steps to get a divorce, while at the same time feeling that I should just stay married so my daughter can experience a mother AND father. Oh how it pains me to think of how many arguments she witnessed! It was all just verbal and some mild physical intimidation like him standing too close and spitting in my face. But she saw way too much, and I secretly wonder if it has contributed to her ODD (as the school was claiming they suspect, but I never agreed to an evaluation... separate story).

My relationship with F. has in some ways GREATLY improved since I told him about my true marital status, as it answered so many questions that were lurking in the back of his head, or unconsciously perhaps. You can hide something from someone, but they can perceive it because it's this great unspoken thing and very real.

On the other hand, I have never told my husband that I have a male lover online who I cheat on him with. I absolutely think it would be foolish to try to tell him all this, just to appease MY conscience when he's fighting for his life. Instead I have strived to be by his side a LOT more and to help him more. To my shame, I realized I am starting to be online more and more during this time when he is sick and getting chemo.

It's all so complicated. As I have had some time to restore some of that closeness with my husband, which is absolutely beautiful to me since I know is helping us both have so much peace about what may eventually occur. We feel like if we have some quality of life more than we ever had in the past 14 years, then we have something so precious and it's transformative towards our whole marriage. He's so much more gentle and kind now. I am so grateful!

But... I still am in love with and talking to F. daily. He is just a wonderful man, but full of his own issues which I will not mention here. But we have had SO many ups and downs the past 5 years. We broke up dozens of times. I've cried a million tears for him. I love him so passionately and at my age of 44 I never though I would ever have feelings for a man ever again, considering the things I've gone through (Much more bad history for me with men cheating on me in the past).

Tonight F. (my long distance lover) told me that he feels that he experienced a change of heart so intensely towards me, where he loves me now in a much more pure way than even in the past when he didn't know my real life situation much at all. He said that he feels regret that the past 5 years with me were so difficult and full of conflicts due to his unwillingness to just commit and really dedicate to me. It touched me so much, but it also is so painfully bittersweet to hear BOTH men in my life say that they regret so much not cherishing me more as the wonderful woman they now recognize me as!

You would think maybe it would be flattering? I have no idea how that sounds to someone else, but it's actually provoking me to feel a bittersweet melancholia I can't even explain. My depression is so much deeper even now, after the past 2 days of discussions with my true love, F., about how he felt towards me the past 5 years, of not fully respecting me as a woman and not truly being loyal or dedicated in his heart, and his great regret of squandering those years since he deeply recognizes me now as his true love.

One of the biggest issues I have faced in my relationship with F. is that I almost always feel jealous and suspicious of him cheating on me. I assumed this was a phantom of my own unspoken guilt where I knew I was technically the person who was the adulterer and cheater! But over the past 5 years, he has had many incidents of deviating from our private and exclusive love affair. Mainly he was caught with porn or admitted to porn watching numerous times. He would go chat with other girls and go to sex sites. He's created accounts for various activities of a sexual nature that I would later find out by his confessions or my seeing this on his computer when we screen share on Skype. It was almost like he wanted to be caught. I didn't think he was flaunting it. He seemed to try to minimize it or hide it actually! But we would have a tearful fight every 2 weeks or every 2 months. It just never lasts very long, our peace. I have to admit that due to my personal guilt, I attribute his lack of faithfulness to me as a shortcoming on my part, or perhaps I "deserve it".

During the past years, sex with my husband diminished at an ever increasing rate over the years due to my bad feelings. I almost never had sex with my husband. The last time I ever had sex with my husband was probably 1.5 or 2 years ago and I was literally weeping during the last few minutes. I think that really ended any marital sex, since my husband was noticing it and probably assumed I just hate him. Instead it was more about my guilt and my hatred of feeling trapped or unwilling to risk a change that can affect my daughter so much. I did say really bad words to him a few times when I was the most terrified about my inability to leave my husband, that I hate him and I would divorce him someday.

I've discussed everything very openly with F. but I have not said a word to my husband. I think he suspects I have an online boyfriend or something though due to my hours online and voice chatting. I really have no idea what he has overheard but he doesn't mention it.

Possible trigger:

In the past, I had suicidal ideation quite a lot, but I never felt so much compelled by the thoughts as I do now. I have no active plan or intention to do it, but I think about it a lot while I am weeping for my ailing husband, for the loss of possibly the father of my daughter and the man who once I was very much in love with...while also dealing with relationship issues in the newer relationship with F.

I feel I am at my breaking point. I am so trapped in both worlds, yet I embrace both my cages totally and want to be there for both of them as much as I can NOW. I try to not dwell on what may happen on the future, and I'm not focusing on even any hopes of a new RL relationship in specific details. I'm not planning to wear widow weeds for 2 months and then run off to the Bahamas. I feel I am entering what is my old age times, when I'm still only 44. I'm ready to just be an old woman with a daughter, basically. I am so depressed and on the verge of some terrible breakdown and loss of my sanity.

I don't think will ever go insane, but my emotional problems are so intense that I often feel like maybe I am not even perceiving reality in judging the situations. I get really super upset about things I could have handled more calmly in the distant past.

I feel like I lost all my hope in people and life. My husband has a terminal disease and my daughter is only 9 years old! I have such a sense of loss, and I haven't even lost him YET! It's just awful.

Then, I have a fight with F., my internet boyfriend, I feel like this will be the final straw that sent me into a deep, dangerous depression. It's like the whole world hangs on this thread, and the thread is my online lover and how we are together, if he will cheat on me or not online again.

It's not fair to him because I truly love him, but much of how I react to things is because I am so traumatized and grieving almost in advance of all this. PLUS, things have been so intense with so much deep rumination, thinking, insights about myself, and weeping for hours. I admit to my shame that I cut myself for the first time when I had an argument with F. about 3 days ago. I cut up my arm pretty bad but I wear a long sleeve shirt and have avoided discussing it with anyone.

I'm so depressed! All my life I just wanted to be recognized for the warm and intelligent and caring woman I am. And now both my men are saying the same thing, that the truly regret the wasted years! And yet, things are so messed up right now. I'm lucky to have any support at all really, as I am the primary caregiver here. My extended family is far enough away so that they do not visit and they rarely call.

One of the worst things is that I can not speak about this to anyone. I can't tell them about what happened in the past or what I am doing online now. I am literally a captive woman in 2 worlds if you think about it. I literally am unable to end my relationship with F., since I felt we should probably take a long break during this horrible time in my life... as well that I want to see if he can find a younger woman and be happier and forget me. I truly love him so much and I don't want to hold him back in life. But we just can't say goodbye. We are so compelled to be together and we speak all day on voice or in text chat. I've done this for 5 years with him, while I felt stuck in my marriage.

Now I'm in this new hole called "Cancer" and it's so sad. I nursed my 98 year old grandmother at home until she passed away this last year. Then as soon as she passed away, I learned the news about my mom getting liver cancer. Then a few months later, I learned that my husband has liver cancer. I can't describe how it makes me feel to experience the loss of loved ones for the first time ever in my life, while I know two others I love so much are maybe heading towards death in the next 1 to 5 years.

I have no idea if anyone in the world would be patient enough to read all this and understand it. But I thank you for any support you may offer me. Life is hard on me, so incredibly hard. I am not as strong as I once thought and everything feels traumatizing and like a personal judgement against me. I think I deserve to lose my husband and then I weep like crazy because I know my daughter doesn't deserve to lose him and I tried so hard to keep them together. Thank GOD I did really. He's been such a great father to her and she loves him dearly. She has so many good memories at least.

I also feel I am verbally abusive to my true love, F. We've had so many ups and downs and I've gotten so mad at him and called him so many names and attacked his masculinity even at times, due to the cheating and porn online addiction thing. He keeps telling me that he has changed, and I am eagerly looking forward to the future with him. I don't know for sure when, but I intend to go find him someday for all the ways I can make up to him how I involved him in my life while I was still married.

Regarding therapy, The last time I went was when I was in college about 15 years ago. I am 44 years old now. I am literally scared to go see a therapist because they have been so incredibly unhelpful to me in the past. I feel they get too judgmental because of some experiences I have had. I dread it, but then again, I avoid the Doctor unless I'm sick now. I'm very reclusive and just full of anxiety a lot. Recently I started to smoke medical marijuana though as I heard it could be helpful for depression and it's helping. I'm amazed how I'm doing more and eating much less while smoking marijuana. My mood is better and I don't ruminate as much on random traumatic memories, replaying them over and over. I am glad it helped to reduce my severe depression/anxiety and ruminations for NOW. I understand it's not necessarily a cure but it seems I do benefit from the THC as they explain it binding to some receptors in the brain to reduce anxiety, etc.

I would love advice on how to find a therapist and interview them on the first meeting. I keep thinking about meeting therapists and confronting them with questions like "Do you get judgemental on your patients and how do you personally manage and reduce your natural human tendency to get judgmental on your patient, affecting their treatment." Not necessarily good to go in with both fists swinging, metaphorically speaking.

I'm open to insights from readers here as long as they are not too blaming or judgmental.

Thank you,

Christiana

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, ChristianaX. Your depression is framed by an extraordinarily complicated set of interpersonal relationships - I'm only stating the obvious. You are correct, not just any therapist will do.

I would love advice on how to find a therapist and interview them on the first meeting. I keep thinking about meeting therapists and confronting them with questions like "Do you get judgemental on your patients and how do you personally manage and reduce your natural human tendency to get judgmental on your patient, affecting their treatment." Not necessarily good to go in with both fists swinging, metaphorically speaking.

Go ahead and lead with both fists. Don't waste your time with candidates who can't handle you and your situation.

Please save your post above. You may want to use it in its entirety or mine it for future sessions with a therapist. I hope you can find the right one quickly.

Some PsychCentral articles:
10 Ways to Find a Good Therapist
How to Find a Good Therapist
How to Find a Therapist You Love

Also: Psychotherapy Forum, Relationships & Communication Forum

Please make yourself at home here.

[ChristianaX]

Thank you Rohag. I appreciate your encouragement. I've never been in such a crisis of deep depression. I am thinking I should call today and find someone soon since I feel so bad.

[QUOTE=Rohag;4306935]Hello & Welcome, ChristianaX. Your depression is framed by an extraordinarily complicated set of interpersonal relationships - I'm only stating the obvious. You are correct, not just any therapist will do.
Go ahead and lead with both fists. Don't waste your time with candidates who can't handle you and your situation.

Please save your post above. You may want to use it in its entirety or mine it for future sessions with a therapist. I hope you can find the right one quickly

[FallingTears]

Christiana X

Caring for a sick husband is hard enough without all the guilt snd baggage you have over him.

Is Mr f being understanding of what's going on? I don't rember reading about whether he is jealous of yr husband or offering u help... You need supportive people around u and ur daughter!

Like the member above says, I'd be starting the "finding a therapist" process as soon as possible! Do u have a medical doctor u trust to refer u to one? Sometimes hospitals offer Counselling to family members who are supporting ill family. Maybe if you meet with one of them, THEY could refer u to a therapist who is better able to deal with yr range of issues?

(Try not to cut again... Once u do it a few times it can become a bit addictive! A therapist/doctor might be able to give u something for the anxiety/depression - So u can think straight!)

Good luck

[ChristianaX]

Hello everyone! I'm returning to read the forums and I thought I would give a slight update, although I know maybe my original post was not read very widely. But this may be interesting to some people.

I am starting to realize that it is possible I have undiagnosed Adult ADHD. It's true I am depressed, but I'm depressed because I have low self-esteem due to never being treated like a true equal. Being so dependent on others puts me in a bad place, where there is an innate power imbalance in every single relationship. Friendships have been tough too, as I never do see people wanting to do much with me, due to some glaring faults I think others perceive. A good example of this is that I do not drive, never have. I was very afraid to drive after I tried it when I was younger. I felt like I couldn't concentrate on the road and the passenger (the driving instructor) was a huge distraction for me. The fact that I never drove always made me seem like kind of a bad friend to have because inevitably it would become a pain to come pick me up, and then they are asking if you can get your own ride. Nope!

I think my struggles which were truly in solitary ways, were hard for me to comprehend so I ended up telling myself "stories" about why I was depressed. I was always telling myself that other people were being hard on me, or were judging me and I was hypersensitive to implied rejection or hurt (due to a LONG standing history of not feeling like I could achieve or do things that earned me status in any way).

I assumed that being a woman may have contributed to my perceived bad treatment because my parents always acted like I was not trustworthy and they gave my 2 brothers all the privileges such as a house key or a family car, while I was never encouraged to drive and never even trusted with a house key! My parents assumed that since I was home sometimes early and not with my brother, I may have friends in. So I had no key ever and often ended up sitting in the backyard for 1 or 2 hours after school.

SO many things like that all my childhood and early adult life really made me feel sad and anxious, but I think it was probably ADHD and also the accompanying depression.

I'm starting to see that my anxiety may actually be the only way I can rouse myself and focus enough to finish up something or get on deadline! I can NOT finish something or truly be effective unless I get frustrated or anxious! I think that's my catalyst in my head to actually be serious and do it finally. (In other words, I read with in people with ADHD, self created stress can help the mind focus and finish things. Or simply experiencing a deadline and some consequences if you fail to finish).

I'm not diagnosing myself. Obviously I'm open to other ideas from whoever I end up getting an evaluation done. But I think because I am female and I was mothered by a real "General" type who made me do things and also did my work when I failed... That all made me a type of woman who seems normal but always feels there's something crucially different about me, where I can't quit achieve any normal age-related things. My ADHD would be moderate to severe if I have it. But I am smart enough to fake normal and be in college (only graduating in the end because they pushed me out by rearranging my credits!)