Your My Best Friend, Its hard at 17 isnt it?

First I want to "thank" everyone grately for not giving up on me, for one you kept listening to my rants despite the babbling and rants, secondly your all great, thanks for replying to my posts, I've decided to stay on PC, no more threats, I've got to make a home somewhere and this is the place.

This post relates to my need of friendships. I began going to a professional therapist for support, that can be a bit deprssing in itself to me because to think only a paid professional will listen. My 2nd attempt was Online. I'm still at it. I find myself doubting myself, I push myself on others in the same boat to often, reason why I sometimes think its best I leave.

My 3rd attempt was family. Family as always can be rough and difficult, parents for example always love their children and give support constantly BUT to me its in a bad way, its a naggy, guilty way rather then true "support" if that makes sense.

Another 4th and final attempt was "friends". To say I have a true "friend" who feels equally abotu me as I do them would be a lie, instead its basic immate style friendship full of drama and such. Altho I do consider 2 people in my life to be worthy of the title dispite their lack of care toward me in ways I need it most.

My one friend is a guy like me 17, we've been friends on and off since Kindergarden, we mostly socialize about hobbies, which are online games. We've played them for years, on occasion we talk about problems relating to school but nothing drastic.

My other friend is a girl. In my freshmen year I saw her and, in a odd sense found myself in love. Not romanticly, not lustfully but in a sense she seemed like perfection, yet she isnt nor is anyone. Until my 10th grade year I didnt speak because I found she was dating a 23yearold(he is now, she is 16 at the time he was 21 prob). IT BLEW MY MIND! I thought , wow she isnt what I thought. I was wrong.

Dispite the sounding of it she is in complete control, she's waiting for sex till marriage, she's very mature, as is he, its mutual she's a 4.0 studuent who works hard for it, as well as a EXTREMELY talented athelte. We met in health class, each day was a new adventure she was always polite, and never judged anyone, she talks to everyone. She has her own crowd but welcomes me in. That summer I became somewhat attached to her.

As I said it was exactly romantic, I'm a better man then to even think about hitting on a women who is in a realtionship espcially such a serious one.

We began talking on the phone, strictly as friends. To make a long story short, I think the world of her, I can't say she does me, I'm alwas making the effort to talk,chat, and such.

I notified her of my problems, she was very supportive....until I almost ruined it. The one thing most of you don't know about me is my fear of "losing" someone, by death, by frriendship , or love. I've lost way to much of that, its scary.

I msged her on myspace which is what we talk on mostly because we dont see each other at school, basicly I got scared, sitting alone in a room drives the mind insane in ways you couldnt imagine. After sending the msg and getting a angry reply I called, apologized and then soon thought of my first suicide attempt.

To that day I'm living in fear of loosing her....I live to see her smile which makes me smile. Regardless of the immaturity to think suicide over a person I still think it. I still write her, she doesnt seem to mind, altho I think she does, do you think she does?

I know I'm a bad person, I'm afraid this depression, this mental illness has made not only my personal life terrible but my public display, im drifting, im not wanting anything more then friendship out of anyone, but will they even give it the way i need it? Or can they?

I'm sorry for the rant, thanks for listening

I'm here and listening! Don't have much to add just now..... except I'm truly glad you're sticking around!!!

Relationships can be so tricky. Especially when strong emotions get enmeshed in them. I can understaand the fear of losing someone who is close. You may want to think if this fear is keeping you from enjoying your friendship now. Please take care of yourself.

BB

moonkin, i'm on call tomorrow and i have to go to bed now. i just found your thread. i'll write to you tomorrow evening if that is okay. xoxoxo pat

i want to add, when we serious PCers dig our heels in......we DIG in. so glad you aren't going. love, pat

i am glad you have decided to stay........you are not a bad person.......i can see that many here care for you and i'd like to help if i can..........

Hi Moonkin, glad you are still here!

How's your cat?

No, I don't think she minds that you write. I think the incident is over; you have a right to say what you want and she has a right to repsond as she responds. But you sound like me in that you have not forgotten it and think she also has not forgotten it. And that one small thing can blow a friendship, and if you imagne that has happened then you feel disconnected and wonder if you can reconnect. It sounds like you have reconnected, or rather have stayed connected through this, so all is good.

You aren't a bad person at all. You seem to be a very nice and caring person to me.

Questions like you have about relationships and needs are great things to talk about and learn about in therapy, if you might want to try that. You already have keen insight into how you think and what you want. Therapy will help you get there.

Be good to you

yay i just posted in ur im leaving im so glad ur staying

i fear being alone being unloved and staying that way and not wanting it
and sometimes i find myself just puttin myself there
its a battle
true friends stick around they try and work thru it
but its give and take

stay strong

Moonkin, you wrote: I know I'm a bad person, I'm afraid this depression, this mental illness.

You are not a bad person -- that is your disease talking to you (just as mine talks to me with similar lies). We have to keep in mind that we do not think someone is bad who gets cancer, AIDs, etc. We also have to keep in mind that depression is a very serious illness that kills many of us through suicide. We have to keep guard, as much as we can, against this evil thoughts.

I'm not going to address the relationship thing, because I am decades older than you and I am so ineffective at them, that I can't imagine what I might have to offer.

(((((((((((((((((((Moonkin))))))))))))))))))

i'm glad you're staying moonkin. wish i could help more..... but i don't think you're a bad person.... i hope you will start feeling better soon though....

(((((((moonkin)))))))

Glad that as a group... in some small way, we were able to let you know you are indeed welcome here.

As you can see it is a very supportive place that helps you work through whatever issue you have on your mind.

Your not a bad person - having said that - I've also felt the same way - if you hear it enough you may start to see it