[bloodyapple]

I feel so broken right now so I decided to ask for help. I don't have even one friend, I know that everyone hates me, especially my family. I don't know if I'm depressed because I never went to psychologist but I tried to commit suicide but in the last second my dad saw me and stopped me. Then everyone told me that they love me but I know that they are lying. They hate me so I have to hate them too and usually when you hate someone you wish him to die but I think... he enjoys his life more than I enjoy so why he needs to die? I should be dead. But even though I wish every night that I'll never awake again, I can't die or at least try to commit suicide because pain scares me. I'm so alone and I feel like the darkness possess me and no one can help me. Everyone looks at my face and makes a weird expression which I assume is disgust. Please someone help me and I can't go to psychologist because if I tell what I feel to my parents they say immediately "nonsense".
Sorry for my bad English.

[healingme4me]

Hi bloodyapple,

Welcome to PC!

Hope you find this community as warm and supportive, as I have.

If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to ask any of the Community Liasons for help and gentle board guidance.

[CANDC]

Hi and welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you had and are having thoughts of doing harm to yourself. Have you talked to your therapist about your thoughts? Or a psychiatrist or pdoc that can prescribe meds.

People that are challenged by these kinds of thoughts are recommended to form a safety plan.
Suicide Safety Plans | Channel N

Getting sleep may be the single one thing that keeps me in balance. If you are not sleeping or having bad side affects, you might want to contact your doctor or psychiatrist and tell them what is happening so you can make adjustments.

This article talks about self care. Seeing what you have been through some self nurturing may be just what you need along with some hugs.
What is Loving Self-Care | In Your Own Hands

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[fallenandcantgetup]

Originally Posted by bloodyapple

I feel so broken right now so I decided to ask for help. I don't have even one friend, I know that everyone hates me, especially my family. I don't know if I'm depressed because I never went to psychologist but I tried to commit suicide but in the last second my dad saw me and stopped me. Then everyone told me that they love me but I know that they are lying. They hate me so I have to hate them too and usually when you hate someone you wish him to die but I think... he enjoys his life more than I enjoy so why he needs to die? I should be dead. But even though I wish every night that I'll never awake again, I can't die or at least try to commit suicide because pain scares me. I'm so alone and I feel like the darkness possess me and no one can help me. Everyone looks at my face and makes a weird expression which I assume is disgust. Please someone help me and I can't go to psychologist because if I tell what I feel to my parents they say immediately "nonsense".
Sorry for my bad English.

I absolutely know how you feel. I wonder at times if I'm lonely because I'm depressed or depressed because I'm lonely. I believe the answer is that depression is the source of my loneliness and bad feelings toward everything. Taking medication did help me return to more normal thoughts. I don't have many friends either so I have to help myself. This is my advice to you. You need to tell your parents and get help. If they say nonsense, insist that they take you seriously and tell them you need to see a doctor. You are worth it!

Hi bloodyapple, you really need to reach out and get some professional help. I have no idea what kind of health care system you have there, but if you can, maybe start with your family doctor? Try some help phone numbers? Go to the hospital? Please don't let yourself continue alone. There is help out there! PC is a great resource to find support. I hope you keep posting.

[JohnCrow]

There are people who care. It is your mind playing tricks, distorting what you see and feel from people

They care. They may not understand, your condition may make them uncomfortable but they care

Reach out

You owe it to you

bloodyapple, I know how it feels like to want to reach out but to be also held back by your own self. I know how it feels to have parents not truly understand the experience that you are going through. Exactly how you have described it - parents saying it is all "nonsense".... In a perfect scenario your parents would be the first people that you reach out to. Unfortunately, sometimes, they do not make themselves available in the way you wish they did as they have their own problems to work through and cannot see things from their children's perspectives... Reach out to whoever you can at the moment. If not your parents, consider talking to a trusted friend. Would seeing a psychologist be an option for you?

[vital]

Originally Posted by bloodyapple

I feel so broken right now so I decided to ask for help. I don't have even one friend, I know that everyone hates me, especially my family. I don't know if I'm depressed because I never went to psychologist but I tried to commit suicide but in the last second my dad saw me and stopped me. Then everyone told me that they love me but I know that they are lying. They hate me so I have to hate them too and usually when you hate someone you wish him to die but I think... he enjoys his life more than I enjoy so why he needs to die? I should be dead. But even though I wish every night that I'll never awake again, I can't die or at least try to commit suicide because pain scares me. I'm so alone and I feel like the darkness possess me and no one can help me. Everyone looks at my face and makes a weird expression which I assume is disgust. Please someone help me and I can't go to psychologist because if I tell what I feel to my parents they say immediately "nonsense".
Sorry for my bad English.

Hi apple,

People are probably looking at you funny because they can tell that something is wrong - they can tell that you are suffering and it makes them uncomfortable. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Once you start to get better, all that will change by itself.

Here's what I think is the best overall plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

and you might want to look at the notes attached to this post

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html

I'd also suggest talking to your parents about it, maybe after doing a little research. I think that they might surprise you and understand.

- vital

[bloodyapple]

Hi and welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you had and are having thoughts of doing harm to yourself. Have you talked to your therapist about your thoughts? Or a psychiatrist or pdoc that can prescribe meds.

People that are challenged by these kinds of thoughts are recommended to form a safety plan.
Getting sleep may be the single one thing that keeps me in balance. If you are not sleeping or having bad side affects, you might want to contact your doctor or psychiatrist and tell them what is happening so you can make adjustments.

This article talks about self care. Seeing what you have been through some self nurturing may be just what you need along with some hugs.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

I can't really sleep for long because I have problem with time. People around me started to talk about how 3 years passed or how they were before but they didn't actually remembered a lot but I have a good memory so I remember almoat everything so I can really feel that time goes by and that scares me so I'm trying to stay awake as much as I can. Plus, I can't sleep for too long because I almost every hour or two waking up.


I absolutely know how you feel. I wonder at times if I'm lonely because I'm depressed or depressed because I'm lonely. I believe the answer is that depression is the source of my loneliness and bad feelings toward everything. Taking medication did help me return to more normal thoughts. I don't have many friends either so I have to help myself. This is my advice to you. You need to tell your parents and get help. If they say nonsense, insist that they take you seriously and tell them you need to see a doctor. You are worth it!

I told them I feel like I need to go to psychologist and they said fine. 2 years passed and that didn't happen so I realized already that there's no way that I'll go to psychologist until I become an adult and go and I'm sure that they'll say that I have issues from my childhood and that's it.

There are people who care. It is your mind playing tricks, distorting what you see and feel from people

They care. They may not understand, your condition may make them uncomfortable but they care

Reach out

You owe it to you

No, I'm serious, nobody loves me. I thought about who might love me but there is none. I used to believe that at least my dad loves me a bit but i found out that he thinks I'm a bother and I don't even understand why! I barely talk (I have a problem with expressing my feelings) so I think to myself "what is it? Is it my face? My body? Am I so disgusting to hang out with?"

bloodyapple, I know how it feels like to want to reach out but to be also held back by your own self. I know how it feels to have parents not truly understand the experience that you are going through. Exactly how you have described it - parents saying it is all "nonsense".... In a perfect scenario your parents would be the first people that you reach out to. Unfortunately, sometimes, they do not make themselves available in the way you wish they did as they have their own problems to work through and cannot see things from their children's perspectives... Reach out to whoever you can at the moment. If not your parents, consider talking to a trusted friend. Would seeing a psychologist be an option for you?

I don't have any friends but I have maybe one that I talk with sometimes and we share a hobby but she is mostly annoying because she most of the time telling to everyone one how she is better than anyone and I just can't stand it.

[Fuzzybear]

[bloodyapple]

To CANDC, I sleep everyday 7 hours so I don't think that's bad but I can't sleep the whole night without waking up in the middle of the night, even if there isn't noise.

To fallenandcantgetup, I suggested like two years ago to my mother to send me to psychologist and she said "fine". Well... clearly that never happened.

To JohnCrow, it's true, there is no one person who loves me. One day I decided to think about all the people around me and that's when I understood that everyone hates me and I don't even know why.

To NewLyfeForReal, like I said, I can't go psychologist and I don't have any friends. There is one girl that I'm talking with her a little but she has a problem that she has to prove to everyone she's the smartest girl and make a fool of everyone so it's really hard for me to open up for her and tell her my problems.

bloodyapple, I empathize about how it feels like to have a "close" friend that is really not that "close" at the end of the day... I don't know if this would help in any way but I thought I'd let you know that I have close friends that I really open up to and connect with a lot that are long distance from me and we communicate through emails and texts rather than meeting in person. Why I mentioned this is because maybe a suggestion if you feel your environment does not allow you to make proper friends in person is to reach out to friends online (maybe people you have met in the past but due to long distance lost touch with over time). Doing this has helped me feel less lonely. OF COURSE this does not equate the feeling of having a close friend in person that you can meet with, however, in my opinion it feels better than having no close friends at all. What are your thoughts on this bloodyapple?

[bloodyapple]

I had some online friends before but no matter how close I felt to them, it's just not the same as having friends next to you

I understand bloodyapple and I agree... I'm sending you a virtual hug.... is there some comnunity activity or something that you can get involved in to meet new people?

[bloodyapple]

Haha :hugs back:
I don't really have any because in the past I used to have hobbies that can be shared with others but I don't have them anymore so I don't really have something to talk about with others.