[Rayne Selene]

Everything is crashing in on me. I feel so hopeless. I'm not in crisis right now, I know that's not what these forums are for. There's just so much going wrong and I feel so scared and paralyzed and just...dark. Really, really dark, worse than I've felt in a long time. I don't have anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I've been pushing and pushing and asking for help and trying new things and I always keep going and now I just don't know what the point is. I have no energy. I feel completely broken.

[truegem]

God bless. I said a prayer for you. Hang in there.

[sideblinded]

(((Rayne Selene)))

All I can do is give you hugs from afar and know that I hear you and that I care.

[Fuzzybear]

[geez]

((Rayne)) we are here keep posting.

While non of the following will take away your pain it may help you to be distracted slightly from from it: keep posting on this forum, make a cup of tea, watch a movie, journal,

Hugs!!!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Rayne, I'm sorry things are so hard for you
It is really good that as you say you've been asking for help, and don't stop doing that.........just maybe there could be different people to ask for help from too?? E.g. different family members, doctor, helplines...........
And the trying new things........kudos to you on that, but sometimes with depression that can get so hard/overwhelming can't it..........so, I don't know, do you think you might be pushing yourself too hard, right now??? Or maybe try some different lower key things???
So just some thoughts..........
And last question (!!) , with this: "There's just so much going wrong............." do you want to tell us a bit more about about those things, maybe we can help with a bit of advise/support.........???
Because this: "I don't have anyone anymore" doesn't need to be true, we're here for you
Alison

[vital]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Everything is crashing in on me. I feel so hopeless. I'm not in crisis right now, I know that's not what these forums are for. There's just so much going wrong and I feel so scared and paralyzed and just...dark. Really, really dark, worse than I've felt in a long time. I don't have anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I've been pushing and pushing and asking for help and trying new things and I always keep going and now I just don't know what the point is. I have no energy. I feel completely broken.

Hi Rayne,

When I feel bad I usually go for a walk or exercise or have a nice meditation like this one.

My best advice for the depression is here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4162657-post74.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

You may get some ideas for things you haven't tried yet.

Keep in touch.

- vital

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Everything is crashing in on me. I feel so hopeless. I'm not in crisis right now, I know that's not what these forums are for. There's just so much going wrong and I feel so scared and paralyzed and just...dark. Really, really dark, worse than I've felt in a long time. I don't have anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I've been pushing and pushing and asking for help and trying new things and I always keep going and now I just don't know what the point is. I have no energy. I feel completely broken.

This is the way it goes sometimes You will prevail though. You'll find new strength and continue the battle and gain strength from the victory.
I know that we're all alone in some ways and yet not... because there is still us.
And speaking of that there is the "us" here who understand and have felt what you feel. We're not just virtual... we are real. We stand with you

[Rayne Selene]

All this made me cry, in a good way though. Thank you so much.
As for all the things that are going wrong, I could go into it, but in a way I don't want to. I feel as though all I do is complain about my life and though some of the things are really bad, I'm really tired of focusing on them. I just don't know how to stop focusing on the bad, because it's like I'm in the ocean and I swam too far out and now I'm just getting slammed with waves over and over and I can't come up for air
No, you know what, I will tell you. Maybe it'll help. I don't know.
I feel like I have to start at the beginning. Five years ago, my father started drinking again. He's been an alcoholic all my life, though I didn't know it, and he had been sober since the day I was born. After the drinking started up again, this amazing man who raised me changed completely. He cheated on my mother and had multiple affairs. This completely destroyed my mom, and she finally got up the courage to divorce him. That was two years ago and we still can't get past it. My dad has a need to control everything and everyone in his life, and it's been his mission for two years to make things hard for us. He's emotionally abusive to me and to my sister, and physically abusive (sometimes) to my younger brother. We were able to gain custody of my little sister a year ago, but my brother won't press charges or admit to anything having happened, and so he still lives part time at my dad's. My dad is constantly doing things, like changing the insurance us kids are all on, to make it impossible for us to go to the doctor or the therapist (it's high deductible, so each appointment is like $300 or more, which we don't have.) He doesn't "believe" in mental disorders, and he thinks that mental medication is a scam. Since we're all on his insurance, he always knows if we go to the therapist and we get no end of crap for it. My brother and I have both been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My brother has been very suicidal lately. His mood swings have gotten bad, and he's been to the ER twice in the past month after making threats towards others and toward himself. My mother cares about me, but my brother seems to be in such a worse place than I am, she has nothing left for me. She leans on me for her problems and depression, and doesn't notice that I've been having a hard time. Meanwhile, my anxiety and depression has gotten so bad I can't leave the house. I spent all my money and have nothing left for school. I'm already failing the semester, and it's only the second week. My job has been cutting my hours, so I'm making less. I'm less and less patient at my job and I'm scared I'm going to start doing badly and get fired. Then, as if all this weren't bad enough, exactly one week ago my boyfriend of four years BROKE UP WITH ME. Out of NOWHERE. He said he still loves me, that he didn't want to break up with me, but that he felt like he had to because he's been depressed and he needs to "find himself" again. I understand this, but I've been through it so many times in the last four years, and I always stayed and worked it out and our relationship was stronger because of it. Then the next day, he changed his mind, and said he wanted to work on it while staying with me. Now he's acting like nothing happened, and being more loving towards me than ever. But parts of his behavior have changed. For example, he and I aren't very social. But Friday night I didn't hear from him after he got out of work, so I finally called, and he said he was "out with friends" at a bar. Which is really, really weird for him. Not for others, I know, but for him it's weird. Then at 4 am, he texts and says "I'm just gonna crash at my friend's house, I'm really tired." Um, what? Staying overnight where? I feel like all my trust in him has completely broken ever since he decided he was going to break up with me. I don't feel safe anyone. I don't feel like I can rely on him or tell him things or look to him for help. And I'm constantly terrified that our relationship is going to end, that he's going to leave me. I love our relationship, I love him. I love what we have and I don't want my life to be without it. He's my best friend. I'm just scared all the time now, of everything. Scared I'm going to lose my brother, scared I'm going to fail school, scared I'm going to lose my boyfriend. I am SO FRUSTRATED. I just don't have any more to give right now. I just want to lay down and go to sleep.

I think that a lot of times it does help to talk about what's going on. Keeping it all in, it seems to just build up the pressure even more. You do have a lot going on. It would be good to have a little break if you can manage it.

[avlady]

Wow you are under alot of pressure, i do hope you can find like a free clinic or doc and t to help you. you are under too much pressure for someone your age. i know you love your boyfriend but i do think you should give each other some space, i know you need him now but he seems to be causing more problems than you need right now. about your parents, i feel so bad you have to go through that, i don't even know what to say to help you with that. maybe others here will post with better advice than mine, i just feel so sad for your situation. i'm not a great advice giver but am here for anyone who i can post to bring some positive insight. i remember when i was a teenager i had some bad times, my mother made me take a vacation and i felt so much better.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Rayne, I can see how things are really piling up for you, I'm sorry
Maybe if we break things down a bit though, hey??
As for your dad, I think you've already realised that he isn't able to be a dad in the true sense of the word, right now?? So the less you can rely on him or hope that..........the better for now?? You could try writing him a letter pouring everything out to try to give him a "wake-up call" but I'd say that the more ways you can try to stand strong without him might be more helpful.
I would suggest contacting AlAnon (or Alteen depending on your age) for some support though, including support from people who "are there" or who have "been there" and you can do that online too........they are supposed to be so good.
For the therapist though.........some will work on a sliding scale of payment, maybe there's some in your area if you check around. Because even if your mom didn't have all this going on and was able to be there for you.........then sometimes it helps to have a professional or someone "neutral" to talk to anyway. And even if that needs to be through a helpline. Although that's not to say that you shouldn't be pushing your mom a little for a bit more emotional support.......she is still your mom so she should still be making some time/space for you too.
About your brother.........that's got to be distressing for you too, hey?? And sometimes however much you want to help/for things to be different there's only so much you can do. Depending on the relationship you could maybe try to be there for him, and let him know you need his help too........sometimes with a focus on someone else and with the opportunity to share feelings it can help...........meaning it could help both of you???
And school.........Rayne!!! give yourself a bit of a break there, yes?? Wow, you've got so much going on for you, if you aren't doing well, or have to postpone then that's completely understandable!! And you shouldn't feel bad about it!!!! Just do what you can, OK??
If you can get a positive out of it by throwing all your focus on the work as a distraction from other things then great, but otherwise got to put yourself first, right?? And the less pressure, the more that might help.
And the boyfriend.......well I'd say the most important thing now is you......and if he needs to be out of the picture/if he's only making/going to make things worse......then it might not be what you want, but it could be what you need. Really you seriously have enough going on right now so you can do without him adding to it. Remember, put yourself first!!!
So maybe a heart-to-heart with him and see where it goes.........just remind yourself though you can be OK without him, if you need that.
And as for needing to share what you're going through, you have always got us!!! Whatever happens, whatever's happening
Alison

[Nammu]

You are going though so much. From what you say it sounds like your father might be bipolor too and is using alcohol to self medicate.

Whether is alcoholism or BP you've lost a big anchor in your life. Losing him might have felt like being set loose on the wind, then to have your mom being so overwhelmed with other things is the lost of another anchor. Even if logically you understand why your mom isn't able to be fully there for you it's so hard to lose that. On top of all that, to have your boyfriend suddenly leave you must feel terribly uncertain that you can ever depend on anyone. People here get that and we'll be right here listening.

[Rayne Selene]

My boyfriend just broke up with me for real. I feel so completely lost and broken. How do I move on from this?

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

My boyfriend just broke up with me for real. I feel so completely lost and broken. How do I move on from this?

You do it slowly... and painfully. You just do it

[Frankbtl]

Hi Rayne, I know you probably don't want to hear right now that it might be for the best that he's out of the picture, but keep that in one corner of your mind, hey??
And just try to give it time and focus on you as much as you can, I know it isn't/won't be easy but.......time will help.
And keep talking to us, hey?? We're here for you
Alison

[Rayne Selene]

All of this helped me so much. It helped me to pick myself up, go through the daily motions, and then one day it just clicked; why had I let this guy treat me like a doormat for four years? I went over it and over it in my head and what I saw was a systematic destruction of my self-esteem; some at his hands, and some at mine. I've made new goals and I'm sticking to them. I've been so happy; it hasn't been easy, but my over all life quality has improved. I'm really proud of myself and I don't want to lose this progress. I've been exercising, doing well in school, and I recently started seeing someone new with a focus on keeping it healthy and maintaining my boundaries. I constantly remind myself that I AM good enough for someone to love, and that I don't need to change myself to fit anyone's standards. I'm not dependent anymore. I like dating this guy, but if things don't work out, I'm okay being alone too. I've never felt that before: okay being alone. It's a good feeling. I feel strong.