dont know if i can do this anymore.

I feel terrible all the time and it takes me hours to get out of bed even though i cant sleep either. I have been self harming daily and i cant stop thinking about ending it all i do have a plan and i am thinking about a date but havent decided on one yet. I am having panic attacks all the time and i am trying so hard but not for me i am only trying so that other people feel good but i dont know what i want. I really dont know what to do.

Hello (((eden))). I've been where you are. When I got to this point I said to myself I wasn't going to let it beat me and got to my p-doc. I also realized my medications weren't going to do all of the work for me. I had to participate in keeping myself going. Self harm is just that. Harming yourself. Not a move in the direction you should be headed. I went down that road. Don't betray yourself like that. is the ultimate betrayal of self. I've taken that road too. Who's to say what's on the other side isn't worse? You are your own best advocate, keep fighting for you and don't worry about saving face for the benefit of others close to you. Let them in so that they can help you. If they don't help you go on with out them on your road to recovery.

Thank you but i dont feel like i am worth fighting for i feel like a horrible person and i dont feel incontrol of myself and i cant stay in one place and the whispering keeps scaring me and i keep disassociating and i dont know what to do. I dont know how much/if i want to keep fighting.

Hi

A Horrible person is one who inflicts a pain and not someone who suffers from pain. Believe me emotional pain is insufferable sometimes. keep fighting because its worth every penny

But what if it never gets any better most people i know with mental illness never get rid of it they just learn to deal with it but why should we have to fight for our whole lives.

Hi Friend

All i want is you should try every possible method to alleviate your suffering.

I am just so tired of fighting.

Ugh I feel terrible although I am sure no one will even read this anymore.

Still reading... - vital

I just feel like everyone hates me both in real life and on here.

hey love,

i totally understand how you're feeling at the moment, and i don't know if this message will be of any help to you, but i care. you deserve to live. you deserve to be here. it will get better, i promise you, just make sure you'll be here to see it all.

right now everything might seem undoable, so overwhelming, but try to reach out to people around you that care about you. your best friend maybe, or just a normal friend, one of your parents, an aunt, a nephew, anyone basically that you can trust. and just talk. talk to them. tell them what's going on. tell them how you feel. how you experience things. tell them the truth. tell them that you don't know if you still want to continue living. just let it all out. if they truly care, they will at least try to understand, but it's really important that you trust them too and that you render them capable of listening to you without judging. if there's no one like that in your life, please try to reach out for professional help.

after my previous therapist technically gave up on me i thought i could do it alone and didn't need anyone anymore.. boy was i wrong. i've never felt as bad and suicidal as i did in the past few months, and just recently i decided that i needed to find a new therapist and honestly, i only had my first 'getting-to-know-talk' with him two days ago, but it was such a relief. it felt like someone had taken away a bit of all the worries and issues that i've been struggling with since forever. and it was just one silly talk of an hour!

i really really hope you'll feel better soon, even though it's just slightly better, it's at least an improvement! you can always talk to me on here too, if you want to and if you think it might help. about anything tho. but please don't give up. you're worth it. i believe in you. and the fact that you're posting here is to me a sign that you don't want to give up yet, that there's a teeny tiny part in you that also still believes in you.

don't give up. xx

I don't know if I believe in me or if I just don't want everyone to be mad at me even if I was gone I still think people wouldn't go to my funeral if they even bothered to pay for one because I am sure that would just be a super inconvenience to have to pay for my funeral and no one would want to spend the money. And if I was gone after that I think everyone would just be relieved to not have to deal with me. I really don't think I matter I guess in a weird way I am just asking for permission to do it.

How is it going with the pdoc?

He said he is away for a month but can see me after that but I have been feeling worse since the appointment so he doesnt know it has gotten worse.

((((Eden))))