[IamRover]

I’m new at this forum and this is long. Since this has been going on for years I must give a background before coming to the current situation.

BACKGROUND

• · I was a fairly good student but had issues with body weight with constantly being teased for being fat. I had one or two friends but suffered from communication and esteem issues (not just because of my body image) to really talk with anyone.
• · Both my parents were working and I had to spend a lot of time alone or with relatives who would emotionally neglect me or be really rude.
• · My parents love me but really had so much going on that they couldn’t talk or spend much time with me. They are also not much aware of emotional issues a person can deal with.
• · When I was about 11 there was a change in school timings and I started to strike against going to school and even attempting to poison myself because of the consequences.
• · My school arranged for me to come to the school as per the previous timing and because of my mother’s plight I started going to school again and eventually performing well again
• · By the time I was finishing school I started having problems with sleep. I used to remain awake till early hours and then have difficulty in waking up for the school.
• · I never used to go out to play or meet with friends and hardly exercised. And then something strange started to happen.
• · I started to imagine characters, especially boys, with some specific characteristics (all of them are rich, popular with some great talent, lonely with troubled childhoods or without parental care and take special interest in me).
• · I used to imagine lots of situations as if they actually exist in my school or elsewhere and the kind of interaction that go on between me and them.
• · Once I get to talk with my parents I would tell these ‘stories’ to them and force them to listen even for hours. The ‘awe’ they would feel listening to these extraordinary characters and me being friends with ‘them’ would give me elation as if I’m actually living these stories.
• · Within a year the habit got much worse and I spent all my time on imagining these characters, incidents in their life and having romantic and sexual relations with them and tell the stories (except for the romance and sexual part) to my parents.
• · A lot of time it will be about me being teased or neglected or tested in some ways and these ‘boys’ coming to my rescue and preferring me over others.
• · I even started to wave imaginary goodbyes and stuff and that’s when people around me started getting suspicious.
• · I completely lost interest in studies and underperformed in school finals. Suddenly I decided I needed to change schools and did exactly that.
• · However the issue only got worse along with me exhibiting depressive symptoms such as problems with eating, sleep, anxiety, lost interest etc. Studies got out of hand and I got scared about underperforming and started to strike against going to school again.
• · I would lock myself in my room; constantly imagine stuff by pacing around the room listening to music or something else and never come out until after school hours despite parents almost knocking down the door.
• · I ended dropping out of school.
• · When I was finally taken for psychiatric treatment I was diagnosed with depression and medication was given. However the same problem kept happening and I lost a few years and kept changing schools and colleges.
• · The only thing that improved was my eating habits and sleeping.
• · Now my parents are at home with me and I talk to them a lot on many issues.

CURRENT

• · I’m finishing my graduation via correspondence which means I’m spending most of my time at home.
• · I still invent characters, pace around imagining and talk about them although not as obsessively as I used to. They are still ‘rich, cool and take unique interest in me bordering on a sympathetic ‘romantic-sexual’ thing’.
• · Mostly I follow a couple of movie stars and TV characters. I obsessively read about them online, post on forums relating to them and constantly imagine myself to be in sexual situations and some twisted affair with them.
• · I also pace around listening to some music and imagine myself to be the movie star.
• · My ‘fandom’ is not really about their work but rather on what others think of them or the general opinion about them. Actually that affects me a lot and basically I troll a lot in such forums.
• · This along with fiction reading and an occasional game or two makes up my internet activity which takes up most of my time.
• · Even though attendance is not a problem I still find it hard to focus on studies and get very anxious and distressed during exams. This in turn leads to depressive episodes where I complain a lot and stay upset and feel worthless.
• · Even before the day of exam I would be watching TV or on internet all night just because I can’t stand the thought of taking up exams.
• · I’ve continued seeing psychiatrists and therapists although had to keep changing them. During the last visit to my current doctor my parents were told that – ‘I may have depression but mostly I’m lazy with disinterest in studies or employment for some reason’. This has got me worried because the same misunderstanding is the reason I had to change doctors over the years. It makes me feel more worthless and suffer from guiltiness. They also seem to feel I have some problem but I’m also mostly just lazy and distracted.
• · The thing is no one is forcing me to study or try for a job and I’m doing it for my own benefit. How can that be disinterest? Yes I’m distracted but I’ve never felt I’m being that way deliberately.
• · I’ve never been in a relationship and suffer from diabetes (hereditary).

I’m from a country where mental health is a costly affair and still considered a taboo. I really don’t understand what my actual problem is and wary of changing doctors (there aren’t many). I would really like advice and opinions on whether I really might be going through something requiring outside help or is it something I’ve to deal by myself. Please feel free to ask for any more information.

Thanks

[lizzyjb]

Wow. I'm reading you and can see a very important part of my life.
I used to scape of reality just imagine a life outside mine. I spent so many times staring at the wall, listening music while I was imagining my own life. That includes loves, friends...
For me is not weird but I know that is not usual. The worst part of it is to know that it is unreal and never will be real. That was the point I started to feel depressed. I can't remember if I started to imagine just because I hate my life or I started to hate my life because it isn't what I imagine...
I have never told this to anyone except my T, who recommended me to start living and forget my imagination. Something that I have never been able to do.
Thanks for sharing this because at least I can understand that I'm not the only one.

[edmerch1984]

Hi IamRover,

Thanks for sharing your background and current situation with us. Although I can't relate too much about imagination, can I just say it's great that you're taking a bold step and sharing this with strangers. Also, just as another piece of encouragement - can I say that you seem very intelligent and you're able to get your points across clearly.

With regards to laziness - now there's something I can definitely relate to. This is mainly at the core of my problem, even when I'm feeling well for an extended period of time. The laziness can build up over important life matters and affect my depression in a bad way.

Recently though, in fact, this week, I came across the following article from vital, who is on these forums. As soon as I tried this I felt empowered and so far I find that it's a great way to combat laziness and depression as a whole.

I was sceptical at first by the whole 'snapping fingers', but amazingly, and bizzarly, I have found this to work. Remember that it's fine to start off small with small decisions.

If you decide to give it a try, let me know how you get on.

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

[IamRover]

Originally Posted by lizzyjb

Wow. I'm reading you and can see a very important part of my life.
I used to scape of reality just imagine a life outside mine. I spent so many times staring at the wall, listening music while I was imagining my own life. That includes loves, friends...
For me is not weird but I know that is not usual. The worst part of it is to know that it is unreal and never will be real. That was the point I started to feel depressed. I can't remember if I started to imagine just because I hate my life or I started to hate my life because it isn't what I imagine...
I have never told this to anyone except my T, who recommended me to start living and forget my imagination. Something that I have never been able to do.
Thanks for sharing this because at least I can understand that I'm not the only one.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm feeling a bit relieved that I'm not the only one going through something so unusual and that at least it’s not something I’m making up on my own.

I can also totally relate to feeling disappointed that those imaginations can never be true. It used to be like this vicious circle where I’m depressed, start imagining and telling stories to others to feel as if it’s real and feel even more depressed and pathetic that none of it can ever be real and I’m leading a wasted life. At this point it has become such an unconscious process that I really don’t know which comes first – depression or imagination. All I know is it’s taking up all of my time and energy, making me feel lazy and procrastinating things that are important to my life. I really don't know what I'm escaping from.


Something like this is also so difficult to piece together and tell someone without guiltiness and shame overwhelming me completely. And I’ve been given pretty much the same advice as you got and it hasn’t worked because I think there are plenty of underlying issues. Unfortunately I’ve not been able to consult someone who can get to them and really understands what it is like to go through depression.

[IamRover]

Originally Posted by edmerch1984

Hi IamRover,

Thanks for sharing your background and current situation with us. Although I can't relate too much about imagination, can I just say it's great that you're taking a bold step and sharing this with strangers. Also, just as another piece of encouragement - can I say that you seem very intelligent and you're able to get your points across clearly.

With regards to laziness - now there's something I can definitely relate to. This is mainly at the core of my problem, even when I'm feeling well for an extended period of time. The laziness can build up over important life matters and affect my depression in a bad way.

Recently though, in fact, this week, I came across the following article from vital, who is on these forums. As soon as I tried this I felt empowered and so far I find that it's a great way to combat laziness and depression as a whole.

I was sceptical at first by the whole 'snapping fingers', but amazingly, and bizzarly, I have found this to work. Remember that it's fine to start off small with small decisions.

If you decide to give it a try, let me know how you get on.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to me because I've always been wondering whether I've been able to communicate my problems in a sensible way for people to actually understand and help me. I must admit how difficult it is to put aside the fear of being judged even for a moment and open up on something so unusual and embarrassing in an honest and coherent manner, so your words are really encouraging.

Thanks again for sharing your insights on laziness. I pretty much go through the same thing you’re talking about. Every time some important thing has to be done laziness and depression affect me together even if I had been feeling relatively fine. This is probably why I always feel like I want to do so many things and start on them but then end up feeling too overwhelmed to proceed with and complete the task. This has resulted in so many wasted efforts and so much loss in terms of money and credibility. It hurts me when even the people closest to me don’t take me seriously when I want to do something but who can blame them? Also the stigma attached to laziness is so terrible that it seems impossible to talk about it without feeling like the least deserving person on the planet.

It doesn’t help that everyone I’ve consulted with feels that I’m being deliberately lazy because I don’t want to do anything but just enjoy the fruits – that I pretend to take up things only to ‘act’ as if I’m not lazy. What they don’t understand is that no one is forcing me to prove or act like anything.

I really appreciate the article. It is really important and indeed brings a significant change in perspective. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I see how my inability to decide on things ultimately leads to doubts, anxiety and imagining the worst. It also has resulted in my inability to identify what I really want to do in my life and thereby prefer to live in grand imaginary worlds. I’ve been previously advised to mentally say ‘STOP’ whenever I start to imagine which did have some effect but didn’t really stop or change anything. However ‘SNAP’ seems to deal with the underlying issue and I will definitely try it. I’m happy to know that it has worked for you and you’re feeling empowered. Even though at this point the whole imagination and other related problems I’ve mentioned are preoccupying me so much that depression has almost become an unconscious ordeal, I will consciously start with the smallest decisions. Thanks again for sharing this and I will let you know how it goes for me.

[edmerch1984]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to me because I've always been wondering whether I've been able to communicate my problems in a sensible way for people to actually understand and help me. I must admit how difficult it is to put aside the fear of being judged even for a moment and open up on something so unusual and embarrassing in an honest and coherent manner, so your words are really encouraging.

Thanks again for sharing your insights on laziness. I pretty much go through the same thing you’re talking about. Every time some important thing has to be done laziness and depression affect me together even if I had been feeling relatively fine. This is probably why I always feel like I want to do so many things and start on them but then end up feeling too overwhelmed to proceed with and complete the task. This has resulted in so many wasted efforts and so much loss in terms of money and credibility. It hurts me when even the people closest to me don’t take me seriously when I want to do something but who can blame them? Also the stigma attached to laziness is so terrible that it seems impossible to talk about it without feeling like the least deserving person on the planet.

It doesn’t help that everyone I’ve consulted with feels that I’m being deliberately lazy because I don’t want to do anything but just enjoy the fruits – that I pretend to take up things only to ‘act’ as if I’m not lazy. What they don’t understand is that no one is forcing me to prove or act like anything.

I really appreciate the article. It is really important and indeed brings a significant change in perspective. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I see how my inability to decide on things ultimately leads to doubts, anxiety and imagining the worst. It also has resulted in my inability to identify what I really want to do in my life and thereby prefer to live in grand imaginary worlds. I’ve been previously advised to mentally say ‘STOP’ whenever I start to imagine which did have some effect but didn’t really stop or change anything. However ‘SNAP’ seems to deal with the underlying issue and I will definitely try it. I’m happy to know that it has worked for you and you’re feeling empowered. Even though at this point the whole imagination and other related problems I’ve mentioned are preoccupying me so much that depression has almost become an unconscious ordeal, I will consciously start with the smallest decisions. Thanks again for sharing this and I will let you know how it goes for me.

No bother at all, great that I can be of support.

Yes indeed - I am majorly struggling financially, and laziness can paralyse me when trying to move forward. There will be light at the end of the tunnel though.

The great thing I find about the article is that it involves making the smallest step and it can be for the most random things. Today I poked my tongue out, squnited my eyes, turned my head - small decisions with no risk, that take little effort, but it really gets the ball rolling!

As for snapping - for me its the physical element that truly helps. Cognitively working my way out of depression is a real struggle and combatting my thoughts with positive thoughts is so so tough. I find it far better to 'fan into flame' positivity by physically reacting. And it doesnt just have to be snapping the fingers - as not to appear weird on the bus I do other sublte gestures like tap my side.

On the other end of the scale, i suppose your 'STOP' works well - even firmly saying it. A strong physical gesture like a fist pump along with it would work well I'm guessing.