[flannel_pajamas]

I think I've always been depressed. It's become worse during the past 10 years, but I feel like I've been screwed up since I was a little kid. I've tried reading books, listening to audiotapes, speaking to therapists, taking meds, exercising, losing weight, eating better, taking vitamins, doing everything I read about that you're "supposed" to do.

But, I feel like I'm just a depressed person who screws everything up and is worthless and lazy and always has been and always will be. I can fight it for a few weeks here and there, but it never sticks. I'm 32, almost 33 and have been living with my parents for close to three years now. Partly due to a situation that is beyond my control, but party because I don't even really care.

I mean, yes, I have dreams and goals and all of them are attainable and within my reach...or would be if I could simply wake up every day and just live life like a normal person. But, instead, all I do every day is eat a few meals, go for a walk, take a shower, masturbate, then go to bed. That's every day. Occasionally, I might get something done, but I just described 90% of my days.

I want to change...I want a better life...I want to do all the things I know I could do if I wasn't a broken person. But, it doesn't seem like I can fix this. So, I just wonder, "maybe I'm not meant to do any of those things that I say I want...maybe all I'm destined to do with my life is work a cash register at CVS or Target or something" even though I have a college degree, and everybody tells me how great I supposedly am.

I just kind of feel like, "f**k it...maybe this *is* me." Maybe I'm not even broken...maybe this is my personality. Maybe I was born to drive people away and sabotage myself and ruin every opportunity I'm presented with. Maybe every attempt to be successful and motivated and driven and optimistic is just a like...just me trying to be something I'm not.

I don't know why I even fight it anymore. Maybe I should just be myself and give up.

[vital]

Originally Posted by flannel_pajamas

I think I've always been depressed. It's become worse during the past 10 years, but I feel like I've been screwed up since I was a little kid. I've tried reading books, listening to audiotapes, speaking to therapists, taking meds, exercising, losing weight, eating better, taking vitamins, doing everything I read about that you're "supposed" to do.

Hi flannel_pajamas!

The fact that you keep trying healthy things is a very good sign. I was like that too - trying many things but nothing really helping that much. I eventually found something that really works amazingly well. Here's one more very easy thing to try:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

and my best general advice:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

Be sure to check for the purely medical/nutritional stuff in the link above too. MD's often won't check unless you ask.

- vital

[LittleEarthquakes]

It's part of who you are now.

[puzzclar]

You put how things are for me in a way that I can't say.... I don't know what it is, but I'm tired of this.

[Fuzzybear]

[CosmicRose]

Well for one, the fact that you have a college degree to me doesn't sound like self sabotage. You realize not everyone has a degree, right? That's a great thing to have and something to be extremely proud of yourself for. So with said degree, I'm not sure why you would assume you'll be working a cash register at CVS? Is that something you actually want to do? No? Then do something you actually want to do. We only get one life, and there isn't a second chance when the goose is cooked. Pretend each day is your last - no really - imagine each day is your last. Really live from that sense of wonder and appreciation. When you're doing that, you won't even have time to think about self sabotage because it won't make sense to you.

[flannel_pajamas]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

Well for one, the fact that you have a college degree to me doesn't sound like self sabotage. You realize not everyone has a degree, right? That's a great thing to have and something to be extremely proud of yourself for. So with said degree, I'm not sure why you would assume you'll be working a cash register at CVS? Is that something you actually want to do? No? Then do something you actually want to do. We only get one life, and there isn't a second chance when the goose is cooked. Pretend each day is your last - no really - imagine each day is your last. Really live from that sense of wonder and appreciation. When you're doing that, you won't even have time to think about self sabotage because it won't make sense to you.

I get what you're saying, and it feels stupid to me to constantly make myself live a life I hate when I should have the tools I need to live a life I enjoy or even love. But, just knowing that doesn't really help me. As soon as something good happens, I instantly find a way to turn it into a potential disaster and convince myself that I'm not good enough and that I'll just screw it up and fail again. So, I throw away a great opportunity rather than risk failure. I do it with work, I do it with relationships. I don't feel I'm worthy, so I just don't show up. And then everything gets even worse because I've failed yet again. I've been following this pattern for 15+ years...it's tough to break no matter how dumb I realize it is.

[Smileonmyface]

been feeling that way lately myself. i had a good job years ago but i can't really picture that kind of success again and i worry my husband resents being the sole breadwinner and supporting me.
i too have a college degree but i've never used it in any way. even my old job didn't really need that degree it just paid decently so i guess i considered that successful.