[weirdologie]

I'm almost 20 and I attend a large university which means I'm now at the age where my entire family is starting to find it weird that I've never had a boyfriend/date/kiss and their constant questioning is just driving me over the edge because it's something that I've always questioned and now they're just validating it.

I never show people my depressed side, so it's not like they're sensing that and avoiding me because of it. This is not my mental disorder talking. This is the normal response of anyone who has literally never been told that they are loved, they are beautiful, or that they are a good person by any outside factor (and if you reply, please don't tell me that I'm loved/beautiful/a good person, because you have never met me or seen me, so you're lying).

The only person on this entire Earth who loves me is my mom, and she's a normal person who gave birth to me, so she doesn't have much of a say in the matter.

I just want someone to tell me that they CHOOSE me. That of all the people in the entire world, they saw me and wanted ME.

I LOVE MYSELF and I can't figure out why people can't love me the same way.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I just had to get this off of my chest. I'm going to die alone and nobody's ever going to love me. I'm always going to be my only fan.

[waterknob1234]

Hi wierdologe. I can see this hurts you. I suppose it makes things worse when family members ask questions and pry. Do you belong to any clubs or groups at college? That may be a way to meet people which could lead to all kinds of things.

Some people bloom later than others too. I got in relationships to young. I wish I had used that time to focus more on a career and purpose in life. However, my mother was probably more like you. She went to college, earned a Master's Degree, and did not get married until she was 30 years old. She seems to have had a good, happy life. What I am saying is that everybody is different and each person's timing on things is different. Having a boyfriend to love you is joyful and gratifying, but it is no reflection on who you are as a person if you do not have a boyfriend.

I think someone worthwhile will choose you one day.

[weirdologie]

Thanks. I belong to a lot of clubs in school that I genuinely got into because I like doing the things that they offer. Still nothing. Always a more attractive person that the guys seem to glum onto.

I know it doesn't make me an awful person because I don't have a boyfriend, but it would be nice to have one or to have someone tell me that they choose to love me. Not being loved is a feeling that you don't know until you've experienced it for yourself. It's devistating.

There are 13 year old girls that just happen to have more experience than I do. Being so much older, and not even having my first kiss or a guy my age flirting with me, it's like I'm emotionally stunted and I'll never be able to reverse that. It's like a 50 year old trying to learn how to speak for the first time.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Nineteen is actually very young and you have plenty of time to find yourself and suitable boyfriends. Take your time and be yourself. I know many people who have developed a little, or even quite a lot, later, and found their own pattern in life that suits them. It is their right to do this, and it is your's too.

[Fuzzybear]

[CosmicRose]

Sometimes men might have a difficult time approaching a woman if they're intimidated. This happens very often. Have you attempted to flirt with someone you're interested in first and see what happens?

[i dont matter]

I am a VERY black and white thinker...... so forgive me.

You say nobody cares, then you say your mother does. Contradiction #1.

You say mom does not count cuz she is your mom and she *has to*. Not true. I know a number of people who had a parent or parents who did not care one tiny bit about their kids. I bet you know some too. So - I can not grant you the "she doesn't count"..... She DOES count. Contraction #2.

People are reading this statement and taking time to write responses. Obviously they care or they would not *waste* their time with you. Contradiction #3.

God loves you. Flawed, imperfect, damaged, hurting.... just as you are. Contradiction #4.

I hope you can find a way to SEE some of the positives that you do have.

[festidump]

I didn´t find my soulmate until I was 26. Up to that point I wasted my time and energy on men who didn´t deserve my time and energy. You sound like you have an active social life and you seem to be enjoying university, your creating wonderful memories that you can recall and enjoy on sad days. Have faith, someone worthy of you will find their way to you :-)

[weirdologie]

Cosmic Rose - I've flirted with lots of guys. With every single one, I've gotten what I like to call "sisterzoned" (i.e. "Well, You're like a sister to me, so...")

I'm not looking for a soulmate. I'm not looking for a husband. That's not realistic for a 19 year old. I want a first kiss. I want a guy my age to actually flirt back. I want someone to choose to love me. Not a big favor for a random thirteen year old girl, but apparently for adult me, it is.

[weirdologie]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

I am a VERY black and white thinker...... so forgive me.

You say nobody cares, then you say your mother does. Contradiction #1.

You say mom does not count cuz she is your mom and she *has to*. Not true. I know a number of people who had a parent or parents who did not care one tiny bit about their kids. I bet you know some too. So - I can not grant you the "she doesn't count"..... She DOES count. Contraction #2.

People are reading this statement and taking time to write responses. Obviously they care or they would not *waste* their time with you. Contradiction #3.

God loves you. Flawed, imperfect, damaged, hurting.... just as you are. Contradiction #4.

I hope you can find a way to SEE some of the positives that you do have.

I DO see my positives. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm analytical, I'm caring. NINETEEN YEARS OF ME SEEING THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. I want a guy to see that in me. I don't want to be my only fan anymore.

People taking the time to reply to me does not equal "caring" about me. It means they took the time to reply to me.

My mom caring about me makes her a good parent. She gave birth to me and she has a normal brain. Therefore, she's going to have a connection to me because I'm her daughter. I didn't choose my mom. She didn't choose me. I still love her and she loves me, but our love for each other was never a choice.

I want to be chosen. But, whatever.

[i dont matter]

Originally Posted by weirdologie

.... I want a guy to see that in me. .....

So your happiness is dependent on a stranger's opinion of you? (I say stranger - because even you say "a guy"; not a specific person).

Sorry, but I see your logic as flawed. I do not want to dismiss your loneliness, your pain. I get it. But the stuff us old people say really IS true....

1st you must love yourself as you are.
2nd you can not be "looking" for love; love will find you. The more you look for it - the more you will scare off potential matches.

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