Intentional Emotional Self Harm

Hello,
I have had major depressive disorder for at least 15 years. One peculiar aspect for me is to emotionally self harm; I will imagine the for two reasons (1) to feel any emotion, even grief (2) to hurt myself. I have not been able to convince my therapist how big a deal this is to me. I need to suffer but I don't know why. When I think about suicide, I can't do it because I have not suffered enough.
Lazarus

I think I do something similar to this. Torturing myself vividly imagining something terrible happening to people I care about or myself. I know that I'm doing it - it's not unconscious. I never thought of it as "self-harm" before but it makes sense to call it that.

I try to change those thought patterns to something else - something happy or intellectually stimulating - when it happens.

Thanks a lot for raising this issue. Given a chronic illness and a disability thinking of my future can be a source of fear, desperation, and mental torture. Sometimes I can get read of those thoughts with changing deliberately the focus in my mind, like an exercise, it improves with the time. I cannot avoid having those thoughts but sometimes I can divert them

I thought I was alone, thank you

I've done that too. I think I do it when I feel numb, to make sure I still have feelings. Like pinching yourself to make sure you're awake.

hi Lazarus

Why do you feel you need to suffer? What purpose does it serve for you? Have you explored this with your therapist? I hope and pray you will be able to come to a resolution of this problem. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

Francis,

I have a perverse need to suffer; it is the only way I can feel anything. I have extreme guilt but I don't know what for. I will discuss again with therapist.

Barry

Hi Barry

I feel that if you could discover the source of the guilt. It would be helpful. A therapist could help you access that. But even if that does not deliver. There is the option of going to a clinical psychologist who does hypnotherapy to see if hypnosis could unearth it for you. The source of the guilt could be a deeply buried memory. I simply accept that I cannot feel anything but have decided to treat everyone with love and empathy and compassion.
When you start to feel this guilt. You could reassure yourself that there is no reason for it, and that should make you feel a little better.

That is a choice open to you. Also. I hope and pray everything improves for you and your weekend is good. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis