[maskmedaily]

I am more isolated now than ever before. I go to work, pick my kids up after work and then isolate myself the rest of the night. On my days off I can not even bring myself to leave the house. I put on a great mask at work- my brave face...all is good in my world face and it is exhausting. I am working on some heavy stuff with my therapist right now, but what I really really feel like I need is to cry...a lot. I have not cried in years. I also dissociate on a regular basis..I have blocked almost all emotion. Everytime I can feel myself getting to a point where I can allow myself to cry I block it off. I just don't feel like I am going to make any progress until I allow myself to have a complete emotional release....I just don't know how to do that! My therapist has cautioned me not to force it and to take it slow so as to not retraumatize myself, but I am so tired of being stuck.

[TheLifeFantastic]

I went through something like this recently. I had isolated myself from everything it seemed like. We put on these faces that are not what we truly feel. I stuffed so many feelings over the years that I didn't know how I was going to handle it. It eventually happened, and I do not know why it did. I believe that you will get to the point that you will be able to feel these emotions again, and in time you will find a way that will help you!

[gayleggg]

I can understand you being frustrated, but I agree with your therapist. You have to let it come naturally. You can't force it. It will come when you are ready.

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[maskmedaily]

Thank you for your replies. I know it will happen in its own time, but I really need to find a way to let my guard down...even if just a little. I just keep building it thicker and thicker...if they were visible I would have a dang fortress around me everywhere I went. I am not sure how (or if I am capable) to chisel away at it, but I am ready to try.

[Solari]

I totally understand except I cry, but feel nothing when I do. It just seems to happen sometimes. I spent some time thinking the other day about my own walls, and a simple thought came to my mind. The walls I have that keep all of the bad feelings out are also keeping out all of the good. I just wish I knew how to get rid of them...I feel like I need to know how I built them in order to knock them down and I haven't figured that out yet. I have learned that pain demands to be felt eventually, but how to get there is my problem too. I'm thinking maybe I'm scared, but don't feel that either.

[maskmedaily]

Originally Posted by Solari

I totally understand except I cry, but feel nothing when I do. It just seems to happen sometimes. I spent some time thinking the other day about my own walls, and a simple thought came to my mind. The walls I have that keep all of the bad feelings out are also keeping out all of the good. I just wish I knew how to get rid of them...I feel like I need to know how I built them in order to knock them down and I haven't figured that out yet. I have learned that pain demands to be felt eventually, but how to get there is my problem too. I'm thinking maybe I'm scared, but don't feel that either.

Exactly! I know that my walls are the only thing that make me feel safe. So, if I let them down then I become vulnerable. If I am vulnerable, I am weak, If I am weak I can not protect, if I can't protect I have failed and so the cycle continues. I am the only protector in the house and I can not let vulnerability creep in. My T says that a rigid tree will snap in the wind, and I say to him not if the walls are blocking that wind.... Again, blocking my own progress. Wish I could just get out of my head!

[Fuzzybear]

[emijec]

I cry in the shower or if I can't just say out loud, "why?", even if it's something unrelated to the cause of my depression. it's cathartic at least a little bit . sometimes you just need to push it out in that kind of physical release.

[StartingFreshNow]

This might sound silly but have you thought about having a sad-fest? Like renting a few really sad movies and watching them back to back? I have a hard time letting myself cry and I also dissociate but I do let myself cry when I'm alone watching a sad movie. No, it's not crying about your "stuff" but sometimes just letting the tears out can be a start. It's just a suggestion.

Good luck!

[maskmedaily]

Originally Posted by StartingFreshNow

This might sound silly but have you thought about having a sad-fest? Like renting a few really sad movies and watching them back to back? I have a hard time letting myself cry and I also dissociate but I do let myself cry when I'm alone watching a sad movie. No, it's not crying about your "stuff" but sometimes just letting the tears out can be a start. It's just a suggestion.

Good luck!

I have tried that several times. In fact, my T has suggested several movies to try to get to open up emotionally. Problem is when the movies gets too intense, emotional, or chaotic I zone out...gone. I don't even realize I have done it until way way later when I can't remember what happened in the movie. I do keep trying though. I figure one day I will find just the right movie at just the right time and I will be able to stay with the emotion.

[StartingFreshNow]

I figure one day I will find just the right movie at just the right time and I will be able to stay with the emotion.

Like others have said, and I agree with them, I think this shows that you can't force it and you're right, when you're ready and the time is right, you will be able to have the emotional reaction you're looking for.

[spring2014]

Originally Posted by maskmedaily

I am more isolated now than ever before. I go to work, pick my kids up after work and then isolate myself the rest of the night. On my days off I can not even bring myself to leave the house. I put on a great mask at work- my brave face...all is good in my world face and it is exhausting. I am working on some heavy stuff with my therapist right now, but what I really really feel like I need is to cry...a lot. I have not cried in years. I also dissociate on a regular basis..I have blocked almost all emotion. Everytime I can feel myself getting to a point where I can allow myself to cry I block it off. I just don't feel like I am going to make any progress until I allow myself to have a complete emotional release....I just don't know how to do that! My therapist has cautioned me not to force it and to take it slow so as to not retraumatize myself, but I am so tired of being stuck.

hi mask,
I agree w your therapist 100% . give it time don't force it . I have some cry sessions with my therapist even my psychiatrist too. whenever I'm reminded of traumatic event in my life, I start to cry and I call my therapist about it .she tells me to write it down in my journal for my next session with my therapist . she understands what im going through . I had many traumatic experiences in my life and my therapist has been helping me through these traumatic experiences in my life since I been seeing my therapist for a year now . hang in there . it will get better .






Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 90mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

[lima01]

you girls are amazing , i'm 70 i can't cry if i try . and i have tried , you are still operating on a higher level than i can reach . you manage very well where i'm just broke down . Kudos to you all . This old guy is humbled by your fighting spirit and your efforts . I just let life beat me down .