What is going on with me?? I'm not ok

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know if this is the right place to post this. I don't think it's really medication related, but maybe it belongs there? I have no idea, but depression is my main problem so I'm trying here. I've been a whiny annoying ***** the past few days with all my posts about poor me not being able to afford meds, but here I am again posting about my poor problems when I know other people have it so much worse. Ugh. I'm sure this will be too long for anyone to care about reading anyway.

I haven't slept in 31 hours. I have really horrible insomnia. When I do sleep ordinarily, it's not more than 2hours at a time. I can't fall asleep, I can't stay asleep. I'm not even tired now. I'm usually not tired, but even if I am, I still can't sleep. I had an accidental OD on some sleeping pills, and I feel it still affecting me, but I can't tell my doctors or anyone because would ever believe someone would be so stupid to accidentally take 32 sleeping pills in a 72 hour period because they can't sleep, but that's honestly what I did. I don't think they'd believe that I wasn't trying to hurt myself, but I honestly wasn't.

Anyway, I have also stopped taking my Effexor cold turkey because for now it doesn't seem like I'll be able to afford it, so I just stopped 2 days ago. My doctor knows about this and isn't happy about it, but there's nothing I can do until he helps me with the free program again. I took Effexor only about a month and a half, and it's my first real antidepressant (2 weeks on Celexa, but that doesn't really count I think). I was severely depressed before going on medication, and I still felt severely depressed until the day I stopped taking it two days ago. Something weird happened after, though. I suddenly felt better. My insomnia has been an ongoing problem since January, so I don't attribute that to the medications, though it has gotten severely worse in the past weeks, but that's still before any medication changes.

After I stopped, I suddenly felt like so much better. It was literally like I felt better than I can remember feeling in years, happiness wise. I have no idea why that would be. Even with the lack of sleep, I have had a ton more energy and been more willing to get out and do stuff and be social, etc. I have a few friends online that I chat with regularly late into the night, in fact I'm still chatting with them right now. Even over text they say I have seemed more noticeably happy. It's like.. a high, or something, even though I don't know what a drug high even feels like. It's what I imagine one might feel like, though. Then all of the sudden tonight, about 20 minutes ago, I literally crashed. Like one second I was laughing, and the next second I was curled into a ball bawling my eyes out. I know that what brought out the sadness was that I thought of the guy that I am basically in love with but have a really complicated "friendship/relationship" with that does upset me, but normally I can think about it and it doesn't necessarily even make me sad, or if it does I don't always cry, and I rarely "bawl" over it, but that's what happened. I went from laughing one minute to curled up in ball crying my eyes out the next. I finally got enough of a grip on myself to get up and think about it for a second, and I'm really freaked out by this. Now I have extreme anxiety because I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I can possibly do. It's 4:30 in the morning and my doctor is 2000 miles away and doesn't really care about me anyway.

I don't know if all of this is brought on by extreme sleep deprivation or what. I don't know what I can do to sleep. I can't sleep. It's impossible. I've had pretty bad insomnia since January but this like really extreme insomnia has been about a month. I tried talking to my doctor about the insomnia, but he doesn't get it. He says he'll gladly prescribe me more sleeping pills, as many as I want, but I told him I don't want to be dependent on sleeping pills. He said he understood that, but then he was like "Well I think the depression and anxiety are more important than the insomnia." I told him I didn't feel like it because the insomnia is making everything else in my life 10 trillion times harder, and he was like "So get the sleeping pills." and that's his only solution. What can I do? I can't sleep.

I'm sorry this is a ridiculous post and probably totally incoherent. I don't even know what is going on anymore.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
asylumgardens said:
Ugh. I'm sure this will be too long for anyone to care about reading anyway.

I'm sorry this is a ridiculous post and probably totally incoherent. I don't even know what is going on anymore.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ..................................................................... I feel for you (((asylumgardens))) hang in there.... hope things have improved since you wrote this... I couldn't read the whole thing but it sounds devastating.. never mind having a whinge...we all need to at times. Im no professional but it sounds like you suffer from more than depression...... I have adult ADD my family has ...bipolar..schizophrenia..OCD..psychosis..and more.. but I have seen some of them suffer like you.... hope you feel better soon luv jjulia

Thank you for at least saying something. I know it's hard, sometimes to know what to say. I find myself struggling with that when I want to help other people here. I don't know, people have mentioned bipolar to me on other occasions, but this has been the only situation that I would describe as "mania" and it wasn't really mania, so I don't know. I will talk to my psychiatrist that deals with my medicines tomorrow, so I will talk to him more in depth. Thank you, again (((julia)))

That is what all the forums are for is to get out what is going on outside...and hopefully we can offer a suggestion that may help?

Your probably right that it may be difficult for them to understand...It seem like a lot...did you go to an ER?

Hard to say about the new feelings - usually most drugs leave the system in 3-4 days - but I would think that varies for each person...

I would take doc up on sleeping pills - sleep deprivation can cause all kinds of havoc.

Thanks Direction. You have been so helpful with everything, I really appreciate it.

I didn't go to the ER or anything, but I've come to the conclusion that my extreme dizziness and stuff is probably due to my lack of sleep because at this point I'm at 36 hours with no sleep, and i can tell I feel noticeably more physically sick now than ever before with nausea, headache, etc.

I got my emotions in check tonight. I've gone through a lot of talking tonight with one of my online friends, and it has helped me immensely. The problems are still there that I had, but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I suddenly felt last night.

The sleep is a major issue. I know it's making everything worse, and I'm not opposed to sleeping pills, but it doesn't fix the problem because as soon as they run out, I already am back to not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep. I was on Ambien for about a month, then after I got out of the hospital, my sleep seemed better, but then just went way off track again, and I was put on Sonata, which I took for one week, and when it ran out, I just bought over the counter stuff. I will get the Sonata again because I HAVE to sleep, but I need something that will help it long term. I can't take sleeping pills the rest of my life

lol, off on another rant.

Who says you can't if you are doing it properly with doc supervision?

But think of it in terms of taking them until it gets better ... instead of the rest of your life.

I traded my ambien in for a temperpedic bed. Just a thought ... is it your bed? or is it all the thoughts in your head?

I guess that's true. The doctor wouldn't keep prescribing them if he thought it was hurting me.

I don't think it's my bed because I've had times where I've slept 20 hours at a time in the bed I'm in now, lol, and the insomnia started in another place. Sometimes it specifically is thoughts, sometimes it's general anxiety, sometimes it's just not being tired, so no matter how long I lay there, I won't sleep, and sometimes it's restlessness.. there's always some reason, it seems. I do want a temperpedic bed anyway, though. Those look great.

The temper bed is not for everyone - it has definately been my saving grace...Ambein at $45/month or interest free 3 years at slumberland at about the same amount...

Anyway it sounds like it is just all over the place for you. Do you have a bed time routine...to help wind down? Shower/bath, journal, favorite relaxing music, etc...

I don't necessarily do anything to wind down. I do in general prefer to stay up late, but I'd prefer a reasonable late like 1 or 2 am lol. I keep a journal and do tend to write in it before I sleep, but I've never put that specifically as a habit to do. I think I'll try that.

You never know?

Hi there,

I really think the high and sudden low was probably from stopping the Effexor cold turkey - stopping meds and can really take a toll on your body physically and mentally.

Sleep is important. I know some of the tips is to:

1. don't watch tv in bed
2. only use the bed to sleep
3. have the bedroom as dark as possible
4. a guided meditation tape may help quiet your mind so that you can fall asleep.
5. take a hot shower first
6. if you don't fall asleep in a half hour, don't lay and toss and turn, get up for awhile in another room and read a book then try going back to sleep

Those are the only other suggestions I can think of that are non-medication related.

Wishing you pleasant dreams
Tranquility