[Taonuviel]

Hello...
I guess there's so much of this here... kinda hate to add to it all. :-\ First post, too, but I'm never positive so I guess this is all I'd ever post. I'm just in a restless mood tonight, went surfing for somewhere to talk, ended up here. You'd think I'd be somewhat positive since I actually got a job today after 10 months of rejection everywhere(even fast food). But in the long run, what's it matter? I'm sooo messed up... not diagnosed with anything... won't happen either since I don't have money to seek treatment, not that it helped when I did before. I know what's up with me, anyway... I'm 19, been depressed since I was 9, off and on self abuse and eating disorder-behavior, lots of being suicidal, and social anxiety. Think I've developed borderline personality disorder... it'd figure. But I'm so quiet. Actually got desperate enough to send an email to a couple I know a week ago for help, but that was abnormal. While they want to help and I have a few numbers I could call now, I could never call. Hate troubling people. Only way I could imagine calling someone was if I were on the verge of suicide, if I'd do it then. But I feel like I'm getting way too closer to that point. Think I've finally given up hoping for things... eh, probably not. Do feel crappy today... trying not to eat, but ended up having Goldfish and a few pieces of candy... drat. Self-control's hard to maintain when the "it's pointless" demon comes around again.
Eh, well, that's me I guess. Never really been anyone else, can't imagine ever being different. Hello, anyone who bothered to read this.

[WEIRDNESS]

Welcome!

Don’t worry. Everything will be all right. I think here is a pretty good place for you to talk about your problems. You will find lots of ppl have the same feelings and you are not alone.

Never give up! Have faith in yourself!

[SeptemberMorn]

Hi, and welcome to the board.

We've all been where you are now. We understand but we also know that there is always a way out. Most of us have looked for help in one way or the other. My suggestion to you would be to call your local Mental Health Dept. and ask to see a counselor. They usually have a sliding scale on payments for those who can't afford to pay the regular fees. There's no need for you to live this way. There IS help out there.

Of course, posting here and sharing impressions with others helps quite a bit, but it's not like talking to someone who is qualified.

If you aren't on meds, there are "natural" herbs and things that can help you with your depression. There is a member here that takes St. John's Wort and has pretty good luck with it. Her name is Rapunzel. We also eat a lot of chocolate.

Keep coming back to read and post. You'll find we're all ready to lend a helping hand.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[kelbelle65]

Hi Taonuviel,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I just want to suggest a few things that might help. First of all let me say that I was messed up at 19 and thought about ending it all, but I didn't and I'm really glad. Your life can get better and you have the power to make it better. Tomorrow I want you to get out your yellow pages and start calling counselling services. Some of them work on what they call "sliding scale" where they let you pay what you can afford. Don't give up til you find one. You can also talk to someone for free: a pastor, minister or priest-- even if you're not religious. You can also talk to your primary care physician and tell them you are depressed. He or she can prescribe Paxil or Prozac which can do wonders for you. Don't give up on yourself. You are a valid and worthy human being. What about going to your parents? Chances are they love you and wouldn't want you to be dead. If they aren't supportive, what about a favorite aunt or uncle?

Keep posting-- there are some wonderful people on here who have been through so much. You're 19-- you have your whole life ahead of you. You can make your life into something amazing and positive.

Another free resource to help you is the library. Go and check out some self help books and read, read, read. You can give yourself a bunch of free therapy. I did that and it helped me become the person I am today. I don't fight with depression anymore. Just OCD and ADD.

Next, find a creative outlet and go with it-- playing a musical instrument, writing, singing, drawing, photography, acting or crafts of any kind. So many people could begin to conquer depression if they expressed their creativity on a regular basis. There's a great book called "The Artists Way" that is a wonderful tool for people that don't know how to get their creativity out. The library probably has a copy.

And my last suggestion is to get out of the house and do some volunteer work. Even if it's for one measly hour a week. You will feel much better about yourself when you are doing something to help someone else. Just do it, like Nike says.

Please keep us posted on your progress. Now go to it! Use your personal power to make yourself well and then shine your bright light in your community and to the world!

-Kelly

[Taonuviel]

Well... I've been on Zoloft but went off after a year because it was making it worse, though it helped initially. Also tried some herb or something, but it didn't help. I really can't afford to see a doctor at all now, if it's not free, I can't do it. I used to talk with my pastor, but when I'm really bad he's afraid to try helping and tries referring me to a counselor - which went really bad when I went a couple years ago(bad situation with my mom, which resulted in a minor suicide attempt), and didn't work out to see someone a couple months ago when he tried again, when I had another mood plunge. I have some people around me who want to help, but don't know how bad it is, because I only bring it up without being asked if I'm entirely desperate. Too afraid... for lots of reasons I guess. And my parents/family... no... there's some sort of cancerous problem in my family - meaning it's not apparent at all, but definately there eating away. Not close with anyone.
I just really don't feel like I can do much of anything. Effort's a lot right now, and since nothing's worked before I'm not too positive about something helping now.