Depression, or maybe something else?

I am going to apologize ahead of time for the lengthy post. I haven’t been on this site for a few years. Last time I had been here, I was still married and had just become a newly licensed RN. I was struggling to keep my depression and anxiety under control. I feel like I’m better overall than where I was back then, but I’m still having issues, and I’m not sure if it is just depression anymore.
My marriage was not good. I was married to a narcissist and survived verbal, emotional and financial abuse. I filed for divorce early in 2014, and it was finalized in July 2014. I was “punished” for filing, from leaving me with multiple bills that hadn’t been paid for months, to starting a guardianship/custody battle with our one child who has disabilities that involved CPS.
Summer of 2014 wasn’t good. Within a span of about 48 hours, my divorce was finalized ( the only good thing, but still stressful), my ex filed to take custody of my daughter from me, I walked out of my nursing job because my manager demanded I work the unit where my Dad was actively dying, and then my Dad’s passing. I fell apart. I didn’t work or even look for another job for 5 months. I questioned whether I wanted to continue being a nurse.
Flash forward to now- the positives in my life are that after a lengthy custody battle, I won sole guardianship of my daughter. I am employed as an RN case manager, enjoy my job, and even though the job can be stressful, I have supportive managers and coworkers who make the stress much easier to handle. I’ve worked hard to improve my self-esteem, and try to stay positive and appreciate the little things in life.
Unfortunately, I still find I am struggling with multiple issues.
I still have huge issues with motivation. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything- except go to work. I have the money to pay the bills, but getting myself to sit down and pay them seems like climbing a mountain. Same with filling out forms, paperwork, etc. that I know are necessary. And the motivation isn’t limited to the adult responsibilities. I’ll make plans to do things with other people that sound great when I’m making the plans, but by the time it gets around to actually doing things, I don’t want to do them.
I find I don’t trust anyone, not really. I am always expecting to be betrayed in some way. I keep pretty much everyone at arm’s length.
I have panic attacks whenever I have to deal with my ex. Usually it is only when I have to deal with him in person, but sometimes it has been just when I have to email him- I won’t communicate with him unless I can have a way to document the conversation (learned the hard way). Would love to go “no contact” with him, but can’t because of our daughter.
I have issues with irritability and anger. It’s gotten better than when I was going through the divorce and custody battle, but it still pops up.
Are these issues just part of my depression and recovering from the marriage, or could I be dealing with something else? I guess the reason why I'm confused is that I feel like my life is pretty good overall. I don't particularly feel sad or hopeless like I usually do when the depression gains too much control.

Ok - well, I know depression can include anger issues and not just the overwhelming sadness, but this sounds like the abuse has had a larger effect on you. Social anxiety and PTSD were the ones that came to my mind. It seems the PTSD is only triggered by your ex himself though - perhaps your therapist could request you get a legal exception causing a "no contact" order even with your daughter being with you. Social anxiety is the one that seems to crop up more often which would be why you find yourself making excuses not to do things that involve going out and not really trusting anyone. Both would be reasonable results from the abuse - your ex was somebody you trusted implicitly and he betrayed you in ways nobody ever should, why then would it be inconceivable that you would find it frightening to socialize or ever trust anyone again? And certainly the traumatic events would warrant PTSD. I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist however so please don't take my word for it - but I do think it is worth looking into. *hugs*

Hi doodlefrog,

It sounds like you have been through a lot of bad things and have done well to come out on top. It seems as though you've got a lot of things working really well and that you're making progress - and that's fantastic.

To me after suffering for many years, a lot of the benefit was in feeling that progress was being made and that supposed 'normal things' were becoming easy. A lot of the biggest issues with depression relate to grouping problems and seeing a whole picture, rather than being able to take an eye off one set of problems and move to each set once at a time, and tackle them individually. For me it was at first about setting small targets, which became habit and then felt easier and 'less heavy'.

What I discovered was that whenever I would think too much about something, I would decide to carry out the action related to that item - this meant I got a lot of things done and did not overthink. I moved from worrying about things to saying to myself "I'll do this and worry later if it isn't right". I found it was about giving myself the room to be wrong and not worrying about something wrong happening, I would do my best and that was all that mattered - I could never please everyone so couldn't try to.

What you describe with irritability, sounds like frustration. For me that frustration came from inside and being very self-critical and not being able to execute and express how I felt. There were misunderstandings, traumas and real feelings of injustice. Eventhough these examples no longer exist, I still get angry quickly.. I think this is caused by the past, where pent up frustration was never addressed and where now I can express myself (it's like my brain overcompensating).

Thanks for your response. I have had issues with anxiety, but usually they didn't crop up too much unless the depression is/was out of control. Anger was usually not a big symptom with my depression in the past, not like the anger I have dealt with for the past two years.

I guess some of the confusion was also brought on by the fact that I wasn't avoiding social situations at first. He moved out in March of 2014, and for about a year after, I wanted to and would go out with friends, date, etc. And then the desire to socialize just stopped- completely. I wasn't sure if my depression symptoms had changed, or if the depression was intertwining with other issues.
Being a nurse, I know better than to self-diagnose, although maybe that's part of the problem. Nurses have "just enough" knowledge to suspect a diagnosis. And a lot of us dread being diagnosed with something, because we have too good of an idea of what we'll be dealing with.

You don't need to thank me for responding - that's what the forum is for, right? *hugs*

I had an aunt that was a nurse so I understand the conflicting feelings nurses have about self diagnosis
Like I said, I too am no psychiatrist or psychologist so I cannot truly diagnose you - but my ex husband has the "anger depression" where I have the "sad depression" that's how I know about the two of them. It seems to me perhaps your depression triggers off the anxiety or ptsd and vice versa (assuming that's what it is). I have depression, anxiety, ptsd, and borderline personality - and I know at times any of them can trigger any of the others and it ends up working like a domino effect until all of them have been triggered off. It's just something to consider - but either way I would go in and see what the psychiatrist has to say after testing you.

I'm pretty sure you're right about the frustration. For about the first year after my ex left, the anger and frustration were almost constant, and I'm pretty sure it was everything built up from the years of not being allowed to express it. I still get frustrated with myself quite a bit, and I'm working on that. Some days are better than others.

After thinking about it, I guess one big reason why I hesitate to go and possibly get diagnosed with PTSD is that I view what I went through as minor compared to the experiences others with that diagnosis have had. I know it kinda sounds dumb, but it's like the abuse I experienced wasn't physical or sexual, so why am I reacting this badly to it?

Emotional n psychological abuse can be worse than physical or sexual abuse simply bc there is no actual bruise or wound to see - so it's hard to fathom especially bc others seem to help cement it into your head "it's not that bad - it's only words - if it really bothers you just leave, after all there is no physical harm going on" etc - been there, done that, have the t-shirt ... I can get you some information on it if you like

Oh, my logical mind knows that emotional abuse is extremely damaging, and the wounds can last for years. It's that little voice in my head that tells me "quit whining, and just get over it."

Ok - so let's play "imagine if" for a minute...

Imagine if...

Your daughter grows up and when she is 19 and on her own, she falls in love with a man who treats her like a princess. She takes him home to meet you and you see how wonderfully he treats her n how happy they are. You are happy for her.

She goes back home - you start noticing she is calling you less and less. You chalk it up to her being busy with college and her boyfriend, and reason - she is in college now, learning to b her own person - n let it go. But ... when she does call, she doesn't seem to want to talk much or just wants money from you. After a few months of this - you start to feel she is using you simply bc she is used to "having mommy to fall back on", so - you tell her not to call if she only wants money but she is welcome to call for anything else. She stops calling altogether. You haven't heard from her in a few months. You decide to call her. She doesn't answer the first few times - nobody does. Then finally, someone answers, it's him - he tells you he moved in shortly after he came to meet you and he is sorry she hasn't been able to call lately, they have just been really busy - but she is not here right now n he will let her know you called. You agree and hang up. A few more days pass - nothing. You call again - she answers this time, but she sounds almost lifeless in her voice. You ask her what is wrong. She says she is just sick. You try to find out more about what's wrong but she kind of circles around the subject and gives vague answers. This concerns you - so you decide to go over there. When you get there, noth of them are there- but she doesn't really look happy like she did before- you can tell she has a "plastic smile" on her face. So when he leaves the house for a bit you finally get her to talk. She tells you he has been telling her he etc - the tears are falling like rain when he walks back in, and starts yelling at her....

How would you react?
Would you say that is "minor"?

Somehow, I think you would think differently then, right? Whatever you are thinking right now - about how you would feel for your daughter - that is what you should feel for you too

You are important - don't ever forget that

*hugs*

Thank you. I needed that different perspective.

You're welcome - Glad it helped *hugs*