Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I couldn't face being at home on Monday morning with nothing to do, so I went on a two-hour bike ride. It was good to get out of the house on a beautiful day. It didn't cure the loneliness and emptiness, but it was better than being stuck in this prison of a house. There were a surprising number of bikers and hikers on the trail for a Monday morning.

Today was a pretty good day. First real day of my vacation for a week off. Went to a museum and then decided to buy some potting soil to plant tomatoes. I used to do that a few years ago and I stopped doing it. So I'm giving it a try again.

I spoke to a few people today; which was more than the weekend. My friend is still away and will be away for another week. Much to my surprise, I don't miss him as much as I thought I would. It's been nice just to do what I want to do.

It was a nice day outside and a lot of people seemed to be in good moods. I think that there should be more days like today!

heartbroken, low energy, hoping to sleep +2 hours tonight.

the radio station i like listening too is down (again)

certain recipie for disaster- it's a coping method of mine to listen to that

but today's not been too bad

Post didn't go through. Not going to retype it. Suffice to say I feel horrible and wish I could just give up.

A pretty good day today. I just went to a place where the museums are in which four museums were free admission. The place has a "free Tuesday admissions" for local residents. I've done it many times so it all looks the same to me after a while. It was distracting being with a class of kids.

After that I went shopping for some clothes that I need. It's been a long time since I've bought any kind of clothes. I wanted to buy a new shirt, but didn't see any that looked appealing for me.

My vacations lately have been spent at home because I can't afford to go anywhere. It's just amazing to me that everybody I told that I have a vacation this week, they all ask if I'm going anywhere. I get sick of having to tell them that I don't have the money to leave town. I would have liked to have been able to go somewhere.

Today is another day of my vacation. It's halfway over now . I headed to a beach, but the parking lot was full. I couldn't park there so I left. I was disappointed. There is a hiking trail along the beach that's really nice. I've done it before. But since there was no parking, I couldn't do it.

After that I had lunch and then came home. As it turned out I noticed that I got charged for a couple of things that didn't seem right to me. So I made phone calls and had them straightened out. I don't have to pay the fees. After that I did some more shopping, but didn't get much.

Today I felt like my depression and anxiety came back. I know that it's too soon to say this, but I was feeling sad about how I would feel when the vacation is over. But there will be another one soon enough.

Hello. I have been absent for quite a while, mainly because I am doing ok even though I still have to battle with side effects.

I am settled in my new job and while life isn't amazing, by and large it is ok.

The vacation is winding down a bit now. I didn't do much today because of rainy weather. But I did little things that needed to be done.

I felt horrible this morning when I woke up and for most of the day. I got thinking of dreadful things. Just all kinds of stuff.

I live in a sort of charity house where everyone is required to contribute to the household and do chores. I'm....really lazy about mine, partly because I don't want anyone around when I do them, but also just because I spend all my time in my room when I'm at home. We have a rule against eating in our rooms, but I do it anyway because I have no desire to sit in a public space at home and eat (eating out is something else altogether. In fact, I've been buying food and eating at the little cafe area at the grocery store because it's better than sitting at the so-called dining room at home).

Well, my landlady, who gives me a reprimand every week about these habits, finally asked me if I need mental help. I probably should have felt something, but didn't. She asked me if I've been abused or hurt, or if this kind of isolation was just my personality. I answered that I'd always been like this - she wants me to go to psych help, and is considering finding me a case manager. She had considered kicking me out for my rule-breaking, but believes there's something wrong. I Was supposed to go to mental health today, but I get there and there's a sign on the door saying that the mental health office is closed today.

And all this happens after I woke up and cried at 5:30am for no specific reason other than some racing thoughts.

Look at that. I'm a true crazie now.

i'm so ****ing alone with everything and i CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUSLY OR UNDERSTANDS!!

Well, this is the last real day of my vacation, although I have Saturday & Sunday ahead of me. I plan to do my usual Saturday stuff tomorrow and go to church on Sunday. The forecast is for rain both days.

I had a meeting with the Pastor at my church this morning. It went very well at first; but at the end I spoke about my depression, anxiety, and being introverted. I felt like at the end, he was not understanding about my depression and being introverted. He told me that depression comes and goes like a roller-coaster. I guess I have to agree with that. But with my introversion he didn't seem understanding at all. He just basically told me to just get out and push myself. One example is: I work out and he suggested the Gym for me. I prefer to workout at home. I've been to a Gym a few times and I didn't like it that much. Sometimes I feel like I'm sabotaging myself for working out at home instead of being at a Gym with other people. Also, the Pastor said that I seem like someone who does not care to be with people that much. And that making friends can be difficult for me because other people can pick up on that.

I took a walk after lunch at a pier along the ocean. The Pastor could have suggested that for me, so that I would get out and do something and do away with the depression. The walk on the pier was nice but I felt like the depression didn't go away with just doing that.

Sorry that this is so long.

wanting to jump into the future-2 months from now and hoping I'm not depressed anymore

I feel like my sanity is slowly slipping away. I'm becoming upset over more and more ridiculous reasons. I want to laugh at the insanity of it all (ha!), but it's all just so sad.

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Hi
Maybe, from a practical point of view, you can get the "mental health help" just to get the accommodations you need to be able to perform your chores and eat in your room. In our society, it seems we need somebody with a certificate to establish our needs, then we get the accommodations. Hope you feel better today

I've been posting about how positive things have been. The therapy went well. Things were turning around positively. I am in a great relationship. My coping skills for anxiety and depression have been working.

Well, I have a chink in my armour right now. I'm sure more than one of you deal with the same situation.

I am upset that I have gained weight. I had been doing really well in the Fall and managed to lose 15lbs. Just before Chrismas my medications were added to with Citalopram and since then I have ballooned; gaining back the weight and then some.

This is hard for me. I once lead a very physically active lifestyle so I am disappointed in myself. For the first time in my life I am self conscious about my physical appearance. It sounds incredibly self-centred but I find my weight gain humiliating. Frankly I feel terrible.

So too does this remind me and reinforce my sadness about what I have lost because I am sick. My mental illness has come at great personal cost.

I'm dreading work tonight.

Thanks.

The things about chores and eating in one's room is a house rule. Only way around them is to move out. Which I would love to d, but I need a job first. Really hoping that comes through soon.

I'm a bit better today.

Down. Another weekend from hell. Can't eat, can't leave me room. Crying. My poor son has to live with this routine. My husband causes it. I can't change anything. Helpless, hopeless. A triggered mood disorder from my husband's inability to make love to me, he is not capable of turning me on. I am cursed and caught in a living hell that looks like a storybook picture from the outside in.

Fairly busy day today. Did my usual Saturday stuff. I'm thinking about going back to work on Monday and hope that everything will be alright when I get there. I always dread going back to work after some time off because things will be in disarray. It's a shocking feeling to be back in the office. Fortunately I like my job.

I'm battling depression now. All I can think about is potential doom and gloom. I've been through it before; lots of times. It seems like this time is harder than the last time I went through it. I was doing great for a good while. I tend to get depression starting in April and it can last into summer. I don't know why that is. Probably because bad things have happened in the past at this time of year; more so than any other time.

I miss my only friend who is gone. I got a message from him this morning asking me if I could go to the airport and pick him up on Thursday around 9PM. I don't know what to do. I'll be working at that time and won't feel like having to do this. I hope someone else will volunteer to do it. It has happened before that he would ask me and then someone else would do it. I don't understand why he just wouldn't take a taxi; after all, he has a lot of money.

Hello, self-hatred, my old "friend."

Today is really the last day of my vacation. Boy it went by so fast! Right now I'm doing the laundry. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I decided to do it now because it's threatening to rain. But the rains have not come and now I think it's not going to rain. I was going to go on a fairly long bike ride. But now I have to settle for a one-hour ride.

I went to church this morning. It seemed like not many people there. I felt like I was not able to get anyone to like me. I felt like I started to talk to a couple of people and they didn't talk back very long to me. I feel like I'm losing it with people.

Also the minister told me there could be a possibility for me to make hospital visits. I had emailed him after I visited him last Friday saying that I forgot to ask him if there are any kind of ministry I could do. And now I feel like I regretted asking him. But I think that we could work this out.

Lately have been feeling better in terms of deep depression. However, still depressed and no energy or motivation or focus to do anything. Not sure how to deal with this, so used to very deep depression.

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want to come in and give everyone a ((((hug))))

hoping you all have a good week