Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I'm doing alright, even happy. My back has been bothering me a lot today, but I think that is both where I hold stress and also I've not been getting enough sleep; I just need some rest. I have a three-day weekend coming up this weekend, so I plan to maybe rest a bit Friday and then get some things done over the rest of the weekend.

I'm feeling good today even though I'm bored right now.

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Pretty busy and a pretty good day at work. I feel a bit down that my only friend has gone away for two weeks - going to South Africa. I worked out after work and it went well. Went to the pool area and just met jerks. Typical of my place at where I live. I'll either be alone in the pool area or meet jerks. Nothing better than that. I wonder why I want to stay at where I live.

My friend called me tonight while I was out. I called him back but just left a voice mail. It might be a while to hear from him again. When he calls while away, it's not the same as when he's home.

Feeling sad but not sure who to talk to when everyone is happy and doing their own thing. I don't want to bother them. But at the same time I do wish someone would talk me out of my nonsensical depressive mornings. But I can't expect someone to do that for me since I have to do it for myself. I can't be such an attention seeker. Just need to do it and not whine and not complain and not say a word like I don't exist and it will be for the better that the world doesn't notice a trace of my ephemeral existence.

Trying to get some employment advice on another site. I put down a quick version of my history of the past few years and one reply included advice that one should keep personal problems to oneself. No one cares, they just pretend to, then start planning how to terminate the relationship once they find out you're nuts. I recall I brought up something similar in a suicide thread here.

If that's true, let me be deluded just a little longer. I may drive away every potential friend with my usery, but this forum is a godsend. The feeling on connection and safety is a godsend. There really isn't anything to me except my mental malfunctions, but at least this place is full of other people similarly deluded, similarly lying (I guess?) about caring for others. It's a little less shameful that way.

But how are you supposed to trust who cares? It's horrifying when you think about it - caring is selfish at heart. I've only cared for people a few times, and it was because I couldn't bear to lose them; pure egoism. I didn't want to hurt from their loss. How can I trust anyone though, that no one's just putting up with me? I'm too weak, being alone is too painful. So I hurt others who hate me. And no, I likely won't trust anyone who replies and says they don't care. And in spite of all of this, I want to care.

I'm reading. No one actually cares about you, except yourself. Sure, you have people who help you in life, but no one actually cares about you, for you. You're problems aren't special, so stop whining, you're problems don't define you (yes, actually, they do). Everyone is mainly preoccupied with their own problems. For some reason, I can understand this, but can't accept it. Oh, and if others love you and are helping, you, you're getting in the way of their life and they resent you for it. Or, they only care in order to laugh at you, to build themselves up, which is horrifying. I crave others, but can't give of myself. It's too much. Everything is too much.

Look at these: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/...are_about_the/

https://www.google.com/search?q=no+o...oblems&start=0

Other people try to affirm that there's always someone, even just a couple of people. I pray they're right. The isolation, just to think of it, is too much. Everything is too much.

If it isn't obvious, I'm miserable today. I really don't know if life is worth it. Screw hotlines and their people pretending to care.

Here we go:

- from this

Maybe it's time then.

EDIT: I just can't bear it though. I need it. I force myself to realize that no one cares about my posts here, just like no one cared about my posts anywhere. I want to make people care, really care. Maybe self-isolation will teach me to do that. I want to have a self and have that self be respected and loved - the very thing people say will never happen. I can't stop myself, even if it's the equivalent of talking to inanimate objects. I can't go it alone; I apparently can't fix myself at all.

Some people find the "no one cares, your life isn't meaningful" spiel liberating, since it absolves any shoulds. I find it horrifying and hopeless. God, all I wanted was a happy life and some beautiful things. And someone to love me.

I guess that my depression has slowly crept back into my life. Maybe it's because things are getting weird lately.

It was slow at work today, so the day dragged. This morning, my friend called me at 6AM. I just got out of bed. He called me from JFK Airport in NY, which was nice of him to do. He's waiting for a flight to Johannesburg. I felt depressed this morning because I didn't get much sleep and I was very hungry. I didn't expect to get a call at 6AM; and if I get a call at that time, I get apprehensive because I think that it could mean bad news. Also, I felt emotionally hung over from last night being in the pool area with people who were rude. It means so much to me to be able to meet someone nice at where I live; and it seems like it's just impossible!

My friend asked me, "how am I?" I told him about the bad people I met at the pool area. After all, with a real good friend, I feel that I should tell him what's on my mind. He then said, "I don't want to hear about it." That really hurt me. And then throughout today, I felt guilty for possibly ruining his trip. Well, at least he has his wife to console him if I did.

*edited*

Ups and downs. Recently more downs. I've moved, and I don't have insurance right now. No doctor, no psychologist, no therapy... at least there are hotlines to call, and support groups to join. But I'm tired, overwhelmed, depressed, and feel I have no one in person to turn to anymore.

It's been very busy at work for the last couple of days. Well, my friend is settled in to South Africa and will not be back for about a couple of weeks. Much to my surprise, I don't feel withdrawals with him not here.

I have a week off of vacation and it starts now. This will be the first real vacation I've had within a couple of years. Last year I was off only because I was recovering from a surgery. The surgery I had was done on April 12th of last year. So I think that it will be nice to have some time to myself. No doctor visits next week!

My friend will be gone all of next week, but I planned it that way. Other times when I had time off and didn't go anywhere, I felt like I had to tote him around a lot. I even had to take him to doctor appointments - on my vacation!

sunny day....

trains keep going past my window- and it's triggering extreme feelings of agoraphobia

and the birds singing annoy me too. greatly

i need rain... seriously. and i need these agoraphobic feelings gone

my fave show ends tonight too.

i just know i'm going to cry (i'm a hopeless emotional wreck)

It is so hard, this depression.

Isn't it?

I don't know why I just feel miserable all the time. It's actually getting worse by the day. Everything makes me sad, or scared, or ashamed, or anything else.

Today was a typical Saturday for me. I expected it to be like that. Tomorrow will be the same. But for Monday - Friday, I'm off work. I only have a couple of plans. I'm not leaving town because I don't have much money.

Today was a very busy day. Right now it feels lonely. I was hoping to hear from my sister, but haven't.

Feeling really bad tonight. hope to sleep early.

that heavy, oppressive feeling is back, for whatever reason... here we go again.

Checking in for the first time, I think I have found a good place.

i'm okay today (or rather, a lot better than yesterday).

actually still pretty proud of myself for last night.. i didn't want to watch my fave tv show because it was the final one of the series, but i did.. i ended up watching it and even posting a review of the last episode

it's a good thing i did, i found out that next year it's returning for a new series... so yeah.

still feeling good about that.

cooking a roast dinner today (with lamb and potatoes). should be nice when it's finally ready.

I'm feeling down but I'm thinking it's because of circumstances that's making me down more than just having depression. My vacation has begun but so far it has not been that great. I've been feeling alone and I haven't met any nice people at the pool area where I live. Lately there's been people there, but I have not hit it off nicely with anyone.

Tomorrow I plan to go to a museum. I have heard about it and never been there before. Nothing else planned after that.

This will be the first week off for myself that I've had in almost two years.

broken hearted, sleepy,unmotivated.

Does. This. ********. Ever. End???

I can't keep living like this. Any of it - the guilt, the rage, the frustration, the regret, everything. It never ****ing ends, it's always there. I keep hoping some change will fix things, or at least ameliorate them. But no change comes, and the thoughts and worry remain.

I bailed on my job search class, and probably will keep doing so. There's no point. I'm totally unemployable, and I hate myself for it. I just got rejected from two more jobs. I ran away from home because I'm effing immature and couldn't bear the control anymore. I'm done.

It feels like there's a black cloud over me today. Yesterday sucked, and today hasn't been much better. I'm not so anxious thanks to my meds, but the depression is just dragging me down.

i spent most of the day catching up with tv shows from the weekend.

not much energy for anything else..

My T didn't show up this morning. I called her phone and she didn't pick up. I hope nothing happened to her